why not 'just adopt' - pg mentioned

(33 posts)(18 voices)
  1. no one else in our lives has said anything remotely that cruel. Most people are very supportive. Dh and I thought about being no tell but we have a 7 year old and she knows so how long do you think that secret would stay a secret. Plus I am just one of those people who can't keep her mouth shut LOL At first it was hard to hear but then I honestly felt sorry for this person for being so stupid. I can forgive but not forget kwim. So this person has been cut out of our lives.

  2. i'm so sorry that you had to experience that Tinkerbell, i do think that a lot of folks say stuff that is inappropriate without meaning to hurt us, they just genuinely have no idea of the hell we're going through. same for your Vesselin, my DH and i are not actually married so folks often make comments that are so not necessary...like i care what they think

    re tell vs don't tell, i read a very funny comment on here a while back. the poster is planning to tell her kids that they were conceived via DE when they are old enough to understand, so probably when they're about 5 yrs old, and then let them tell the rest of the family. so you can imagine over Thanksgiving dinner the child telling the whole family that he/she came from a donor egg and the grand parents choking on their hot potatoes! personally, i'd love that to happen to my family as they'd love the kids so much by then and it would be too late for them to start comparing them to their genetic grandkids etc.

  3. s planning to tell her kids that they were conceived via DE when they are old enough to understand, so probably when they're about 5 yrs old, and then let them tell the rest of the family. .

    wow, quite a responsibility for a 5 year old, who won't even begin to really understand what he's talking about

  4. pilma, what do you think is the right age?

  5. What a great thread! Like many of you, I have of course been the unwilling recipient of various insensitive comments. By now I think I've heard it all. When I m/c I was told by my manager that "it was probably for the best". WTF!!

    I'm still going through the DE process and hope it's turns out to be successful. I'm not sure when to tell a child - if we are lucky enough to have one, but I had a good laugh at the comment re telling the child who will then surprise grandparents :-). The thought did cross my mind.

    I do foster care for a 3 and 5 year old, and they were recently told that their mom has gone to jail. Now they tell EVERYONE! OMG it's so embarrassing when we look after them. They'll randomly (in public) start talking about "Yeah, thats the church where mom used to go, but she can't go there any more cause she's in Jail", and "Yeah, she's gonna be locked up until I'm 9, because she was bad". I that any big news is a lot of responsibility for children of this age. I'm not sure they know how to handle the news at 5.

    Re telling people - I made that mistake several years ago and wish I had kept it a secret. It seems like anyone you tell will later throw some insensitive comment back at you after a while.


  6. When to tell is a tough one and I'm still grappling with the answer. I think it would be ideal to have the child "always know" as in adoption. The concept is so complicated though. It's not well understood by adults either, let alone a 5 year old. I have a friend who told me if I couldn't get pregnant that I should go ahead and use a surrogate, "like Sarah Jessica Parker" (I'm 44).

    I am not exactly looking forward to telling our families. We're holding off on that for now. But I know for sure we'll tell them at the same time we start telling the twins. Having the children tell them would not be the best for them. I want to have the other adults in the family understand how we plan on disclosing to the kids and to support it. I think we can disclose when the kids are a little bit older and my relationship, as their mother, is well established.

  7. Deb - that is so funny about the foster kids, i love how innocent they are! like my DH's grandmother who's 90 and says whatever is on her mind.

    rewebis - you are the twins mother, don't be worrying about establishing that position! who else is going to be taking care of them day & night after delivering them into this world. i agree with you though, we have several family members who were adopted at birth and everyone always knew that they were adopted. they had their own 'i am adopted' books from the time they could remember. i've seen similar books for kids born of DE which is why i assumed kids should be told sooner rather than later, so it's not a total surprise to them when they're older.

    i'm interested to hear what pilma has to say about this.

  8. So here are some of the ways I've been thinking about DE and trying to frame it as a positive choice:1. I've read lots of stories of people who've gone the DE route, and not one of them has expressed regret. Not one. Many say if they had a choice to give back their DE child and have another with their own eggs, they wouldn't do it. Many DE mothers also say the minute they got pregnant, they almost "forgot" that there was ever a donor. It was their child from that moment on.2. DE is a great way to bond with your child. You get to experience pregnancy, feel the baby grow and kick, watch the fluttery heartbeat on ultrasound, go through labor and delivery, and breastfeed. You also get to control the prenatal environment (no smoking, no vodka, crack only on Tuesdays).3. The house analogy: Think of the baby as a house, and you're the general contractor. You may not be supplying the blueprints (the DNA), but you are supplying the site, the labor, and all the building materials. Your baby will be created entirely from your flesh, your blood, your nutrients, your oxygen. Your baby's developing brain will be influenced by your diet, your voice, noises from your surroundings, your waking and sleeping cycles. DNA is only part of the picture.4. Genetics are totally unpredictable. Your biological child might look and act nothing like you. Conversely, a DE child might end up bearing an uncanny resemblance. Only a few characteristics rely purely on heritability: looks, height, and (to some extent) intelligence. The rest is nurture, or a mix of nurture and nature. Also, there's more to genetics than what is coded inside DNA. Cells have different ways of transmitting information. Processes like imprinting, reprogramming, and "switching on or off" of genes are affected by the cellular environment. (I'm no expert by any means, but you can google epigenetics to find out more.)5. Age and FSH are totally irrelevant when it comes to DE. Aneuploidy and miscarriage suddenly become less of a concern. The odds of success are the same as if you were a healthy 22 year-old. It's hard to underestimate the peace of mind that comes with that.6. Shared risk programs for DE usually don't have an age cut-off.7. DE circumvents the paperwork, insurance, home studies, legal fees, and other red tape that come with adoption. There's no waiting list, and no risk of the birth mother changing her mind at the last minute. Legal issues are generally less complicated with DE than with adoption."

    Thanks JennR!!
    I am planning my 2nd cycle in Czech Republic with DE. The 1st time we went and just told everyone it was a vacation. Unfortunately it did ended in m/c. But this time we cannot get away with the same excuse (especially since we are returning to the same place in less then a year). I told my parents and they don't understand why at my age (46) I could possibly want to conceive and carry my first child. Then when I told them we would be using a DE they really became concerned. My father said that the child "would never really be yours" since it was someone else's egg. He said we should "just adopt" or foster a child to see if we really wanted to be parents. I know his concern comes from a place of love, but also a place where he could not understand what I have decided to do. I married at 41 for the first time, and have been trying to conceive for the last 3 yrs. Due to my age, and the amount of time we have been trying, we knew in our hearts from the first conversation of IVF that DE would be the way we would go.

    Honestly, we considered adoption, but with my age we won't be considered by many agencies. Plus, finding a healthy infant in the US is almost impossible. A friend of mine, who is the same age as me, had to go the route of international adoption because she was single, over 40 and her weight was considered "obese" (she is heavy but has been the same weight since we were in college!). She ended up spending $30K and the child was over a year old when she was able to bring her into the country - even though she started the adoption process before the child was born!

    I don't think I should be penalized because it took me until 41 to find my life partner!! I did not want to settle for just any guy - I waited to find the right one. And now that I am ready for children, and my own eggs don't want to cooperate, why should that be a problem for people?

    I know you cannot control how others think or feel. But it is really incredible how people who you hope to look to for support can only frame their support based on their own experience, and cannot try to walk a mile in your shoes. I am not mad at my parents, just disappointed that they are not being more supportive while I make this difficult and exciting choice with my life.

    So thank you Arya for your post - I am printing it so I can reread it when I need a reminder! And thank you every one else here for your support and encouragement!

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