why not 'just adopt' - pg mentioned

(33 posts)(18 voices)
  1. we're all set for our first (& hopefully last DE cycle) coming up in november. i just got back from europe and a visit w my family. they are small minded, bible bashing people at the best of times so i would never tell them that we're doing IVF or that now we're moving on to DE. they do know that we've been ttc for years but they don't know re all the ivf cycles etc.

    two of my sisters are pg and due before the holidays. so the whole family is excited about that, as they should be. i guess i probably shouldn't have gone over there as it was much harder than i had anticipated. obviously i love my sisters and i'm thrilled for them...but i also got a lot of just relax, maybe it's not meant to be, why not adopt questions.

    i had my heart set on DE even though it's so expensive, stressful and the outcome is uncertain, especially as we also have severe MF and i've immune issues. maybe i would have been smarter to jump straight to adoption? at least there's actually a real life baby in that equation?

    our reasons for wanting to do DE are - i adore my DH and want to at least have his dna reproduced, i want to experience a pg, i want to control the babies environment from day 1, i want to nurse and bond w my child...so why am i left feeling so guilty about this DE decision now?

  2. Hi Mair,

    I am so sorry to hear how difficult your trip was. When I read your post, I remembered this list someone put up on a thread long ago (which they got from another thread – I don’t know who actually posted it originally, but thank them). When I was considering DE, this post really resonated with me and made me feel a lot more comfortable with my decision to go forward with that route. I hope you find it helpful:

    "I've been wrestling long and hard with this, and I've now gotten to the point where DE is starting to sound like an attractive backup option. That was an important turning point for me. I knew I'd never be able to face doing DE as long as I viewed it as a booby prize. I want it to be a joyful, life-affirming decision, not a grudging third-best option that gets forced onto me by fate. I'm trying to come to terms with it now, while it still feels like I have a choice (I haven't given up on my own eggs yet, but I want to be prepared in case things go south rapidly).

    So here are some of the ways I've been thinking about DE and trying to frame it as a positive choice:

    1. I've read lots of stories of people who've gone the DE route, and not one of them has expressed regret. Not one. Many say if they had a choice to give back their DE child and have another with their own eggs, they wouldn't do it. Many DE mothers also say the minute they got pregnant, they almost "forgot" that there was ever a donor. It was their child from that moment on.

    2. DE is a great way to bond with your child. You get to experience pregnancy, feel the baby grow and kick, watch the fluttery heartbeat on ultrasound, go through labor and delivery, and breastfeed. You also get to control the prenatal environment (no smoking, no vodka, crack only on Tuesdays).

    3. The house analogy: Think of the baby as a house, and you're the general contractor. You may not be supplying the blueprints (the DNA), but you are supplying the site, the labor, and all the building materials. Your baby will be created entirely from your flesh, your blood, your nutrients, your oxygen. Your baby's developing brain will be influenced by your diet, your voice, noises from your surroundings, your waking and sleeping cycles. DNA is only part of the picture.

    4. Genetics are totally unpredictable. Your biological child might look and act nothing like you. Conversely, a DE child might end up bearing an uncanny resemblance. Only a few characteristics rely purely on heritability: looks, height, and (to some extent) intelligence. The rest is nurture, or a mix of nurture and nature. Also, there's more to genetics than what is coded inside DNA. Cells have different ways of transmitting information. Processes like imprinting, reprogramming, and "switching on or off" of genes are affected by the cellular environment. (I'm no expert by any means, but you can google epigenetics to find out more.)

    5. Age and FSH are totally irrelevant when it comes to DE. Aneuploidy and miscarriage suddenly become less of a concern. The odds of success are the same as if you were a healthy 22 year-old. It's hard to underestimate the peace of mind that comes with that.

    6. Shared risk programs for DE usually don't have an age cut-off.

    7. DE circumvents the paperwork, insurance, home studies, legal fees, and other red tape that come with adoption. There's no waiting list, and no risk of the birth mother changing her mind at the last minute. Legal issues are generally less complicated with DE than with adoption."

  3. Adoption is very expensive too, and it's not really a guarantee! I have a friend who has had 2 adoptions fall through. Heartbreaking!

    I am all for adoption. My sister is adopted, and I feel that she is my "real" sister in every sense of the word. However, I just felt that I wanted to carry a baby. I am doing my first DE cycle now, and praying for the baby that we both want so desperately! Don't feel guilty for your choice. I don't! Good luck!

  4. I agree with Heather.
    My husband and I are just in the begining phases of a DE cycle, just selected our donor today! We weighed our options regarding donor and adoption and felt like donor was the option for us with the back up of adoption if necessary. I thought we would have gotten resistance from some of the family we told however surprisingly enough found everyone very supportive.

    I wish you luck luciabogoni!

  5. Arya love the list, very logical and thoughtful, thanks for posting it.

  6. Maeread- i think the feelings and emotions you are having are very normal. Just when you think you are completely comfortable and ready somebody upsets the apple crate. Here is my #1 advice- ONLY discuss your fertility issues, choices for donor egg or adoption with people you KNOW will support you 100% no matter what your decision is. Sometimes it takes a while to narrow that list down- it may end up being only a handful of people- it may not even end up being family. Sometimes- those who love us- just don't know how to be appropriate about these things- i believe most "want" us to be successful- but they also want to help "fix" the problem- and their advice in their eyes is what may "help" you get there.

    I have decided that only a few people in my life are worthy of knowing my decisions. I have looked into both traditional adoption, donor egg and donor embryo adoption. I was gungho about international adoption- and then I realized how overwhelming it was- and that i had NO control over what that child would have gone thru in their life before coming to my home.

    I ultimately decided that, like you_ i want to have control over that environment- and the only way to do that is try donor egg or donor embryo.

    You don't have to tell anyone you are doing donor egg unless you want to. Some people close to me know i am waiting for donors- i plan to disclose later in life, if i become pregnant- BUT- i am going to let the majority of the world think it happened the old fashioned way. IT"S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. People see what they want to see- and I BET if you have a DE baby- people will still say- "Oh he or she has your (fill in the blank), or he or she looks just like (fill in the blank)" b/c so many people are so CLUELESS about advanced fertility- they HAVE NO IDEA that their next door neighbor, or their doctor, or their kids teacher has a baby from donor.

    And remember- all those old fogies in your family who don't think this is right, WELL alot of them will be dead by the time it comes out if you choose, so you won't even have to deal with their opinion.

    Protect yourself, protect yourself emotionally, surround yourself with the people who want you to be happy in the way you choose. Stop feeling guilty for wanting to be pregnant and carrying a baby, most of us want that too, if it doesn't happen then cross that bridge when you get there.

    Some stupid person told an infertile friend they thought it was "wrong" to do IVF, or donor etc, that if it "was meant to be" it would have happened. WELL my reponse would have been, "well i guess if you have cancer you shouldn't treat it either because, well it was just meant to be, RIGHT?" WRONG. Infertility is a disease- and their r treatments available to help us couples conceive children.

    NOONE has the right to judge us or our decisions- they have no idea the pain and suffering we go thru- and they have NO IDEA what they would do if they weren't able to have children the old fashioned way.

    HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS from the people who know how you are feeling and care about you.

  7. i REALLY like your cancer analogy..what a perfect response. that would go for any health condition, such as diabetes, a broken leg, the flu...would we say "don't treat, it was meant to be?!" of course not!~ i recently read an opinion piece about the Ontario government pondering covering IVF as basic health care (canada) inc. donor cycles, this would include same sex and single persons. this columnist stated it was 'selfish' of single women to do a planned IVF cycle and bring up kids without dads...but she understood if women were PG 'naturally' and then partner left. i was fuming and sent an email. of course she had kids of her own, conceived naturally. i have heard the 'just adopt' thing too, but why is it the responsibility of infertile persons to adopt the world's orphans?

  8. Mairead -

    You only have to listen to your heart to know what is best for you and DH - you don't have to justify your reasons or explain anything to anyone. Wanting your husband's DNA to carry on through a child, carry and nurture from day 1, all your reasons are perfect to want to do DE. And as some one said, nothing is certain, adoption least of all. We had decided that we would turn to surrogacy if our fet wasn't successful - as it was a better option than not having a child and if I couldn't carry then at least the child would still be ours. We were forturnate with our fresh to have high quality and quanity of embryos and had 12 frozens so we could try a fet and then turn to the other.

    Make your plans and go with them - you deserve nothing less than your hearts desire.

    Hugs -


  9. i have heard the 'just adopt' thing too, but why is it the responsibility of infertile persons to adopt the world's orphans?

    Yes, ITA here. Was going to say the same thing. I was talking to my friend who lives in Denver and I was talking to her about her options (as she is 41, DH 10yrs younger who's not ready to have kids yet...well...and look where she lives). Anyway...I was feeling guilty when talking to her and mentioned if the next IVF doesn't work we'd have to look into DE etc... And then I said "I know there are so many kids out there with no homes" and then she said "its not your job to save the world and you need to do what is right for you". And that is the smartest thing anyone has ever said to me.

    I suppose for me, its hard to understand families that don't understand this. My Mom has been telling me to do DE for a year now and my SIL is constantly asking me if she can do anything (like give me her eggs or carry etc..). But, we live in a world where people judge people.

    You need to do what you need to do and don't let anyone's opinion (or what you think their opinion is) tell you differently. There's nothing wrong with wanting to give your baby life. And none of us should feel ashamed or guilty for wanting that.

    I constantly think "thank goodness someone invented DE". I actually do not know who this person was.

  10. I shut a friend up rather quickly one time. She asked, "why are you doing all this. There are lots of babies who need parents. Why don't you just adopt?" All I had to say was, "Why didn't you?" I think maybe she saw the point then.

  11. hi ladies, thank you for all of your thoughtful responses. i think more than anything i just needed the virtual hugs as i'm so tired and jaded by this whole process. i am comfortable w our decision but it's great to see all of the details below because there are plenty of great reasons listed that i hadn't even thought of yet! thanks again. xx

  12. I just popped on this thread for DE support. Jen ~ I too loved your cancer analogy. My DH & I have gone through years of surgeries and failed IVFs. Since April we put in all our paperwork for our domestic adoption. And yet, somewhere in my mind even though I know it is very expensive I want to try DE. I have stage IV endo & I have been told I can still have a successful pg. I'll be 41 soon, which I cannot believe that we are still hoping to become parents together. Somedays I feel like giving up, that I am too old. We have been trying for 8 years! luciabogoni ~ I know I get so jaded too with all my IF stuff. This stuff is so hard on a marriage & on our souls.
    Hang in there & I only wish the best success for you.
    Take care,

  13. i was reading posts again and reflected on the word 'just', in 'just adopt', like it is so easy? i can not speak from the experience of adopting but assume it to be a costly, time consuming process which requires a person's life and assets to be thoroughly scrutinized. this is why i chose to try DE first, the whole process was smooth, non judgmental, (i am single and 43) , timely and cost alot less than an adoption would have (because i went overseas). but the main reason i chose DE was to achieve a pregnancy, grow with a baby, and have a healthy newborn to breastfeed. i know i probably would have gone down the adoption road at some point if DE had not been successful. who knows, i still might.

    fromrose, i will be 44 at baby's birth, you are not too old!

  14. I agree....there's no such thing as "just adopt". As someone who's trying to do adoption and DE simultaneously, I can vouch for the fact that adoption is no easy road. DH and I have been homestudy approved since May and since then we've had several birthmoms contact us a few times and then drop from the face of the earth. We've also been "matched" twice.....one time was with twins that turned out to be a scam and the other time was just recently where the birthmom refused to sign her medical release. The latter situation was much more of a blow because we had really invested ourselves emotionally in it as it had been a situation that went on for 4 months.

    So now we are trying DE one more time.....like "Vesselin" said, it's much smoother and less judgemental. You also don't need to rely on someone else so heavily (we are doing anonymous donor)....so there is no need to "touch base" with the donor every few days, not feeling panicked when you don't hear back from her in a few days....etc. It's more of an "individual" process, if that makes any sense

  15. I agree with everyone here. Those who say "just adopt" usually don't have a clue as to how complex and expensive it is. Domestic adoption was something that, for me, didn't feel right, for a lot of reasons International adoption is hard as you get over 40. Not sure if those who haven't investigated it understand that you need to consider seriously how a child who is very likely to have delays due to poor prenatal care and orphanage living will fit into your family. It's not for everyone.

    We ended up up pursuing DE and adoption simultaneously and are currently pregnant with twins and are approved for international adoption but are on a lvery long waiting list. I don't feel any regret that we pursued both at the same time. It's been a 4 year long road for us and we have spent far more time thinking about what it means to be parents than someone who "just gets pregnant."

  16. Congratulations Vesselin and rewebis! And thank you for the lovely posts from both of you that I can still achieve parenthood via DE. How far along are both of you? Did anyone on this thread have endo? I have stage IV. I worry that it won't work but I think I would never also be able to let go if I did not at least try 1 DE cycle. Here's to supporting each other!


  17. fromrose, I am entering my 27th week, as i write my babe is kicking. i reflect back to when i started posting on this site, all my questions and decision making to finally 'just try it!', and it worked. the support here is great and i wish you all the best.

  18. Meegs,
    Vesselin is so right. This is a great place for support. I am glad to have found it. DE is such a complex process and emotionally tough. It's been so helpful to know that everyone goes through similar experiences and feelings.

    I'm 24 weeks right now and am starting to be more focused on the pregnancy than the whole DE aspect. I almost feel "normal" ; )

    Best of luck to you with your cycle!

  19. I just want to say thanks to everyone who is chiming in on here. Its so nice to be covered in support. DE for us was a simple choice. We have a child and wanted another and it was taking so long so we tried 6 rounds of clomid and 2 rounds of ivf NOTHING moved to de and got pregnant 1st try with ID twins. We lost our girls at 11 weeks. It was the worst moment of my life. I became mostly a hermit for 3 months. Everyone was so supportive then this one person told me something that inflamed me. Well she said it must be easier knowing they weren't your children. WTF! That thought never ever crossed my mind. My point is that once that egg becomes an embryo the knowledge that the egg didnt' come from you goes by the way side. We are doing an FET in 2 weeks and I still feel the same.

    Oh and why is it that us infertiles of the world are made to feel bad about wanting to carry a child and made to feel we should be the ones adopting. I know there are millions of kids who need homes and it breaks my heart and maybe one day we will adopt but just because I have the disease of infertility and thats what it is a disease I am not solely incharge of the adoption world.


  20. Everyone was so supportive then this one person told me something that inflamed me. Well she said it must be easier knowing they weren't your children. WTF!

    OMG...that is horrendous! for myself i have faced people's questions, and i have to remind myself that i have been doing the research for a long time on IVF and DE but most people do not know about it. so I need to be patient with people, but that comment is so unthoughtful. i also field questions about the 'father', ie. "is the father involved?", "do you have a partner?"...etc...but most people are very encouraging and think it is great for a woman to move forward to try to achieve her goals of having a baby.

  21. so why is it that people who get pregnant naturally never have people just randomly ask about their husbands or partners but if you use IVF with DE they just assume you don't have one or look down on you because you are taking charge of your own life husband or not? I have been married for 12 years and my husband was 100% behind it. its just odd how people who find out you are doing IVF think that makes everything in your life their business.

  22. People will say really insensitive things. Tinkerbell, can't believe someone said that to you. I have prepared myself for how to respond when people make comments about my age (and they do), which I can deal with. I don't tell most about donor at this point.

    I think I would have screamed at the person who made that comment or started crying. How horrible.

    Vesselin, sorry you have to deal with all those nosy people. People really don't get it sometimes. What you are doing is amazing!

  23. Hi,
    This is one of the reasons why we are in the "No Tell" group.
    We decided we didn't and couldn't take all the comments and explanation when we started IVF. After three heartfelt BFN, I was so glad we held out. Last Thanksgiving the after dinner generic topic was ...my DH neices telling the family they were soliciting college kids at school yada yada and how she could make money since she was smart and could help "old" people! I barely got thru without kicking them all out of my house. Everyone had their niave two cents.
    We are not sure of after our DE cycle what we will tell our child but 1 step at a time.

    Thank everyone for commenting on these boards. They have really helped me

  24. Tinkerbell,

    I am so sorry for your loss. That person should be shot for that insensitive comment. Some people just simply do not think or think their comments will affect us. I know my mom is a fatalist and believes that "things are meant to be." So with each of my BFN that is basically the comment she makes! So we have decided to totally protect ourselves with using DE this next cycle. It feels so unsafe to share what is really going on with loved ones or friends for that matter.

    Thanks for the support on this thread. You ladies ROCK!

    Have a good rest of your day ~
    =) Megan

  25. Tinkerbell, I am so sorry - that is ubelieveably cruel. I hope you are successful in your FET.
    We are doing also DE right now, I because of insensitive comments like that, we are not telling anyone. I can even think of of couple of family members who just don't get it and would probably say something stupid. If this works, we will consider telling when the child is 3 or 4, but right now it just me, DH, the clinic and you guys. Good luck everyone!

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