Who are you telling about DE?

(35 posts)(33 voices)
  1. We went to a support seminar and the lead speaker said it was good to let the child know and as they becoming aware (growing older) then the outside family will too. Well that is one approach. The same counselor said something to me that I thought I would share with any of you over 40. I too, have gone through my share of beating myself up for waiting too long. "how could I be so stupid" I thought. What the counselor told me was that in our generation, we were not told as often by our gynecologists and the media,etc .that we had such a biological clock situation. I honestly can't remember anything except how they were fighting to get a little bit of sex ed into my high school, and then from girlfriends on how NOT to get pregnant as a young adult. But as far as "biological clock" I don't really recall anything on it. We grew out of the "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan" (remember that commercial) generation. And, I don't know about you, but I can remember in my late 20's at best, certainly mid thirties first hearing "biological clock" discussions. So, my feeling is, we are just one more generation of women who are pioneering for our reproductive rights. I know it's kindof dramatic, but then again, isn't our journey to have children dramatic anyway?

  2. Sarah-I agree....no one ever told me that starting to TTC at age 29 was too late, and surely not my OB! And I always felt like DH and I were rushing things as it was..met at 26, engaged at 27, married at 28, TTC at 29! Although my OB did say that he thought that even if I had started earlier, I would have run into this same abormal egg problem anyways bc he thinks it's genetics, so who knows!

  3. I should have spoken to my DH before answering this poll. He is adamant about not telling the child (although our relatives and close friends all know). I guess if no medical reasons come up, we may not tell the child. I don't think our relatives would ever tell. Only thing is that Im 5'6", brown hair, hazel eyes, husband is 5'8", blue eyes, brown hair and our donor is 5'10" blonde hair, blue eyes... Luckily my husband is from Italy, so he's dominant (I'm English as is the donor), so she may look like him, which will be good. We'll see!!

  4. what a great post. I was wondering the same thing. I am doing DE/DS feb. 24th is my transfer date. my sisters know and that is it. I have been wondering if i will tell dh's family. his mom is mean. It will be hard for me if she says anything negative to me. I have a child with down syndrome and she always says cr*p about my eggs now. boy this is a hard i think about it a lot.

  5. I am surprised to find myself telling a lot more people then I planned to initially. Its taken us a while to get our first donor cycle going, with an unplanned pregnancy ending in an m/c and loosing the next donor over the last few months, we've had a rocky start and I have found myself unable to talk about my fertility issues with anyone without mentioning the DE aspect. (note: I don't always mention that I am doing it, I just mention that its a consideration for anyone in my shoes, etc...) I guess what I've been feeling is that for anyone who is my age (42) and has had as many m/c's as I have (6 in the last 3 years) to not be doing something else just makes me seem naive. Plus, I am finding that sharing the idea helps me become comfortable in recognizing how I want to talk about it. I fully intend to tell the child(ren) and tell them as they are growing up rather then waiting for a specific age... I am pretty much an open book too, but when I first started this process I was horrified at the thought of talking about it to others. I am happy to report that its becoming much easier as time goes on. Our families, actually, seem to be the most difficult area to address, but friends are much easier as they are all around my age and grappling with similar issues.

  6. THe other thing is with home DNA testing, and all the experimenting they do with that in high school science chances now a days, how could we prevent a child from not finding out? I would rather they hear from me as a baby than from a test tube as a teen.

  7. We are in the beginning stages of DE/DS. We have picked an egg donor and are looking at donor sperm now. We have one son through domestic newborn adoption who we will obviously share his story with him as soon as he can understand (he is 9 months old - we have a couple of books that we read now to him about it) and we plan on sharing our (knock on wood) 2nd child's story with him/her. I guess I don't see it as being really any different than our son's story when you get right down to it.

    I think that while we're pregnant we will let our immediate families (our parents know already) and close friends know. I think that I will say something to the effect of - it isn't a secret, but we're not going out of our way to tell people that we don't know. It just isn't their business.

    Of course, that could change as I get more into this.

  8. My plan is to tell ONLY the child except for one very close friend that I can implicitly trust not to tell anyone else. The reason being that if, god forbid, anything happened to me (I'm single) when the child was too young, I would want someone who knew to be able to tell the child the truth.

    Other than that, my personal feeling is that no one deserves to know the circumstances of my child's life before my child.

    But everyone has a different family dynamic and it may certainly work differently for them.

  9. I was told by our donor consult that as many as 60% of families keep it a secret from everyone, including their child. I was stunned. In this day and age, with all the evidence out there on what happens when it's secret, I don't see why? We have already told close friends and family. We are not ashamed, and will work with anyone who exhibits any difficulty in accepting our future child as a part of our family. Our son is a product of donor sperm, as a lesbian family it is obvious he has some genes from somewhere else. We have been open with him from day one. Of course everyone knows, and we keep the donor information private with him, as it is his story to tell, and he should be told things before anyone else. So as he gets older, more information is told.

  10. Interesting thread. I think it's sad that we can't tell everyone and just have everyone be happy for us.

    I have one side of the family who will not be supportive. I watched the way my 1/2 brother was treated and it was really terrible. I don't want that for my child. As a kid I didn't even understand why my brother was treated so differently but it was upsetting even then.

    My problem is I don't know how you tell the child without it getting back to the family? Kids talk, ya know. So this is a real issue for me.

    I agree I wouldn't want my child to find out as an adult or as a teenager, so what do you do?!

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