When enough is enough

(4 posts)(4 voices)
  1. Hi All,

    After thinking about my infertility struggles for years now, I've decided to post on this board, mostly to state how I have felt for close to 5 years now. I am also posting here because I know most of you can relate to this journey that we've taken; some have been successful and other like myself, have not been successful to date.

    Background
    DH and I met in 2003 and got married 2004. Prior to marriage, he knew about my endometriosis, at that time, it was not an issue. We would proceed right to IVF after marriage. And so we did, in 2004, I had surgery, a myomectomy to remove fibroids and clean up the endo. We did our first IVF which was a BFN. O.K. so we moved on. Second IVF was scheduled. My RE states that another fibroid was seen and it needed to be removed. So I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy to remove the fibroid. Second IVF was not good for me. I almost lost my life. My RE was not honest about a lot of things, it hid information from me. I started to feel severe abdominal pain after the retrieval and ended up in the hospital on massive doses of pain meds. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days then was released home. I was still in pain. I tried to see my RE but could not get an appointment despite me being in pain. His office stated each time I called, that he is over book. During this time, I had lost about 15 lbs in about 2 weeks. I was unable to go to the washroom for close to 2 weeks and upon visiting my family doctor, she referred to a GI specialist. This GI specialist was great. He ordered CT scans and various tests on me. He then told me that things did not look good and he referred me to a top specialist. At this time, I was told it might be cancer. I had several CT's, MRI's where they noted an abdominal mass which no one seemed to know what it was. Anyway, to make a long story short, in the end, it was proven not to be cancer. Thank God.

    I finally got an appointment with my RE. He did some testing on me and decided that I needed surgery to remove the mass. I waited 7 mos for that surgery (I'm in Canada and wait times are crazy). At this time I was off from work. Eventually I did have surgery. The mass was removed and also abcesses. The only reason I even found out about the abcesses was the fact that my DH insisted my RE tells me what he saw "inside". I spoke to my DH and told him that I don't think we should cycle with this RE anymore. DH said since we have 4 embies on ice, we should cycle with him one more time. And so we did, became pregnant on a FET April 2007. Major problems with the clinic, nurses quitting, couldn't get appropriate followup and in the end I MC at 3mos. Couldn't get RE to do D/C, eventually I ended up at the hospital and had a D/C performed by another doc. We decided not to go back to this RE. When I called for a copy of my chart for another clinic, I was treated very cold and they never returned my phonecalls. O.K. I moved on.

    Now I'm at a new clinic. Totally different, competent physician. I found out that my former RE had hyperstimulated me and he caused problems during my second IVF retrieval. This RE states that it's best for me to have no more surgeries. I also found out that my former RE was not the best surgeon, but that's another story.

    With all that I've been through, DH still wants me to continue with IVF treatments. I'm at a point that I've been through so much, although I know there are others who have been through more that myself. I'm the one with the problem in this relationship, DH has no problems. He insists that he wants 3 biological children. I've tried one Fresh cycle July 2008 and got a BFN on my birthday. Now he wants me to keep trying and trying and trying. I feel that my body has had enough. I've done everything, organic eating, surgeries, accupuncture etc. and all I had is one m/c in 4 years. I want to adopt, he doesn't. I feel that I want to move on from this relationship. It has been stressful and depressing. Most times I feel like DH and I are roommates. We hardly communicate. The only person I have to talk to about this is my mother. Everyone else I know has kids. I feel that I have accepted my infertility and it's time to move on. I am comfortable with adopting. I am at a cross road right now where I feel it's better for me to divorce DH so that I can find my own happiness. I also feel that I am willing to "set DH free" so that he can find his own happiness in a new fertile spouse that can give him his 3 children. I spoke to him about this on several occasions, he doesn't seem to want to take me serious, but I feel I need to move on in order to find some peace of mind.

    Thanks for listening

  2. Thanks for listening

    Hello,

    I am new here and learning the site, not quit a lurker. It sounds like you have been through a lot ttc and I really praise you for sticking with it this long. If your feeling as if the relationship is not transcending without having biological children then you may be right and possibly avoiding the inevitable of a lengthy break up if you were to have kids because over time it would take more than children to sustain a healthy relationship.

    Adoption sounds great and you would be able to do this knowing that you gave ivf and other options your all so you won't be stuck with the "what if's." Overtime, my dh may feel the same way(the shoe is on the other foot in this relationship-ttc with MFI) but I always dreamed of adopting and don't give two hoots if my children are biological.

    I think whatever you decide will be the right choice...

  3. With all that I've been through, DH still wants me to continue with IVF treatments. I'm at a point that I've been through so much, although I know there are others who have been through more that myself. I'm the one with the problem in this relationship, DH has no problems. He insists that he wants 3 biological children. I've tried one Fresh cycle July 2008 and got a BFN on my birthday. Now he wants me to keep trying and trying and trying. I feel that my body has had enough. I've done everything, organic eating, surgeries, accupuncture etc. and all I had is one m/c in 4 years. I want to adopt, he doesn't. I feel that I want to move on from this relationship. It has been stressful and depressing. Most times I feel like DH and I are roommates. We hardly communicate. The only person I have to talk to about this is my mother. Everyone else I know has kids. I feel that I have accepted my infertility and it's time to move on. I am comfortable with adopting. I am at a cross road right now where I feel it's better for me to divorce DH so that I can find my own happiness. I also feel that I am willing to "set DH free" so that he can find his own happiness in a new fertile spouse that can give him his 3 children. I spoke to him about this on several occasions, he doesn't seem to want to take me serious, but I feel I need to move on in order to find some peace of mind.

    Before you read my response, I want to give the disclaimer that I am an ivf vet who has 2 years of cycling and 6 failed ivfs under my belt and we are male factor. I may have a different spin on things. With that said...
    If you are done, you are done. It is your body. No matter how much your DH wants his 3 bio children, your body has different plans. I am in the opposite situation in that my DH wanted to me to stop after the first few failed cycles, but I wasn't ready. I had to get to my own stopping point. That point came when my last box of meds arrived in the mail and just looking at it made me sick. And then when I got in the car to drive to the city my RE was in I burst into tears and said "this is the last place in the world I want to go."
    Our marriage suffered greatly. We seperated for a short time. If you go back you'll find a post from me on this board around the time we seperated. Eventually we worked things out and honestly we are still building back to something similar to what we used to be. I will NEVER be the person I was before this which means 'we' will never be the couple we were. If you are unhappy and you are sure this is how you feel and not residual from the meds, the failures, depression, (all of which contributed to our seperation) then finding your own happiness may be what is right for you. If you want to be a mom and adopting is the path you choose and your husband is not on board and he only wants bio children then it doesn't sound like their is a compromise for you. Something to think about though, I have very close friends who also battled infertility and had did not have success with ivf. She wanted to move on to adoption and her DH said absolutely not. She went forward with info gathering and got him to attend an info meeting and he came around. They are now matched and 4 months from the birth of the baby and he is so excited. BUT...if do not think you are going to be happy being DH's wife, adopting together is not make your relationship better. I am stealing this next part from another vet, but here goes. Adopting does not cure IF, it simples cures baby in the house and fulfills the need to be parents. Your IF and the journey that leeds you to adoption will be with you forever. Granted it will fade into the background, but it is still there.
    My husband and I did decide to adopt and are a couple weeks away from the baby being born. We had a very quick and easy adoption process and I can say that much of what of the sadness I felt over IF has subsided but there are still things that bother me or something someone says that throws me for an emotional loop.
    You have to find your own happiness. And only you know what that is. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. Be kind to yourself and do what makes you happy.

  4. hi babyjane,

    what a journey you have had! wow...you've been thru so much. i hope things have taken a good turn for you since you posted this.

    i read Shaktipande's post and she made so many excellent points.

    i especially agree with the difference between you being ready to move on to adoption and your dh insisting on biological children. my dh was also hesitant and we went to a therapist to help us move forward. sometimes that's what it takes.

    i also agree that it's your body and your limits in that regard - he should respect that.

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