what would you do? (dd ment\'d)

(4 posts)(3 voices)
  1. Here's the deal: Ever since dd was born, dh has been utterly unhelpful with any form of child care, housework, etc. Basically he wants to sit on the couch during all of his free time, weekends, etc. and play his computer game. He tells me he's "depressed." He refuses to get counseling, which I have asked him to do many times.

    I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of dragging him out with dd and I to walk in the nice weather, do errands etc. I'm tired of doing 100% of the childcare. He's starting to depress me and I feel bad for dd, who is an easy baby and a joy to be around.

    Do I just keep letting life limp along? Do I give him an ultimadum? I don't want to get divorced, but I want a husband who will seek some enjoyment from life and be a good father.

    Any thoughts you have would be welcomed.


  2. CM - I swear that the doctors who deal with us post partum should take a closer look at our DHs!!! My DH was severely, clinically depressed after our boys were born. He was useless to us as far as childcare and was barely able to cope. We were in for a well-child check when the doctor asked me how I was doing. I flat out told him that DH needed help...long story short, our doctor (he's our family doctor, kids & us see him) prescribed Lexapro for DH, along with some sleep meds and convinced him to see (and helped him find) a good therapist. IVF is really, really tough on men, but it's almost impossible, IMO, for them to tell us that. I think men are pre-programmed to 'take care of their wives' - and if they can't get us pg (whether it's them or us who has the problem)...then in their minds somewhere they have failed.

    I\'m happy to say that two years after our boys were born, DH is helpful and happy once again (and still on Lexapro!!) It's worth talking to your doctor about.

  3. Thank you for responding kalerante_2! I will definitely see if I can move dh in that direction. It helps a lot just to know that I am not the only person who is going through this. It was so unexpected - I thought we were both thrilled to finally be pg etc. and then he acts like this. I hope he will listen when I make your suggestions.

    Thanks again!!

  4. i dont know any woman who hasnt had this complaint at some point!
    our dd is almost 5, we are trying again.
    dh does different things to \'provide\'.
    gender equality we had before children... now??
    i step in and ensure dd has what she needs.
    friends dont bother inviting dh to social events anymore, dd and i go on outings together, she is my priority.

    advice? get a sitter, try bi-weekly date nights to try to open the conversation and get him off the couch. see whats going on in him. often men forget their lives have changed... what were his parents roles like?? ask him to catch up and pick some way he can contribute. logic only goes so far (as in - i've been awake for hours taking care of baby, you get up and make yourself a coffee, now is that fair> im thirsty too). men like practical lists, so try that...

    my dh does tons of housework, its his escape, so i let him. but its different than feeling like we are on the same page.

    good luck - you are not alone!
    find some mom friends nearby and create your own network as well to bolster you

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