What to say to people??

(18 posts)(14 voices)
  1. My husband and I are doing a FET with donor embies cycle in July. We plan to be very open about using donors, but when I actually try to picture a conversation with someone, I can't seem to think of what to say. Our coloring may not match very closely, so it could be very obvious.

    I don't want to be obnoxious about and fit it into every conversation, and I don't want our (hypothetical) children to feel like they are any different from any other child. I want to celebrate how they come to us, but I don't want it to define them.

    How did you find a happy medium?

    Thanks!

    Andrea

  2. That is a good question. One I hadn't thought about yet! We are planning on doing a donor embryo cycle early next year. The embyros are already on hold for us. We have a DS adopted from Guatemala. So, it is VERY obvious that we are not biologically related. When people do ask, I always say my son was born in Gautemala. We will always be very open about adoption to DS and any future children. I hadn't thought about how to address the question with others about our possible future children from embryo donation.
    I would love some advise also!

    Laurie

  3. Interesting ?

    As a mother of twin girls through Donor Embryo it's a hard call, it's a very personal decision. DH and I have discussed what we will tell our girls one day, but as far as what we tell other people, we have kept it very private. It's not that we are ashamed or anything of that sorts or not really even caring what others know or how they feel, it's getting people to really UNDERSTAND what you went through and why you chose this path. People do not look at Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, Donor Embies like they even look at adoption now. Too many people are so clueless about IF issues, it's not something we want to relive with people, as people already ask enough stupid questions about why one twin has one color hair and the other twin has another. I can't even imagine going into a conversation about DE with a stranger.

    Good Luck with whatever you decide.

  4. Thanks for your input girls!

    I don't really mean strangers, but more acquaintances. We go to a large church and while I am will be more open about our situation (we're totally in the closet about our IF), I don't know how I feel about it being common knowledge that we used donor embies. On the other hand, I don't want it to feel like a secret to those who will know. We're not ashamed of what we are doing, but it is very personal (I know you girls understand that).

  5. i completely understand. we didn't tell even our families until we had decided to adopt after the first failed donor embryo cycle. our first son is adopted (domestic), and if the donor embryo cycle works this summer, then we will explain to people that that child(ren) was adopted too, but adopted in a different way. i explained to my friends at work when we did the cycle last yr that they were other people's leftover embryos that were so kindly donated to us because the original parents wanted to give them a chance.

    i have a friend here in town (from my old IF support group) who has 2 yr old twins from donor embryos. she is totally open to her IF friends about it, but keeps it private from family.

    everyone has to do what is right for themselves.
    good luck!

  6. I think the hardest part is that most people really don't understand IVF, and, sadly, many people really don't even understand what an embryo is. I've found many people think it's the same thing as an egg. So rather than have a 20 minute conversation about the birds and the bees, and ART, I think I just won't bring it up with people outside immediate family, and a few extremely close friends. I don't want it to be a secret either, but don't want to turn a normal conversation into a complicated discussion and really, it's no one's business except myself, my husband and my kids.

    I have actually been having trouble with my sister. She's a very young almost-22, and no matter how many times I explain to her why we can't just adopt, or why I won't use her eggs, she thinks the whole thing is weird and she's very judgmental. I'm sort of glad I've run into her attitude so I know to be more careful about who to tell. I wouldn't want my children to be exposed to that.

  7. I have a 2 yo dd from donated embryos and we've only told a few select people, who we felt deserve to know the truth and can keep their mouths shut. With everyone else, we don't say anything. If they comment on DD's wild curly hair I just say I don't know where it comes from. Not really lying, not being completely honest. I agree with others who say this is different from regular adoption, it's just too much info for most people and some people would be embarrassed even hearing about it and don't know what to say. I don't want to go into a biology lesson with people, even acquaintances. I also don't want to go into our own fertility problems so that people understand why we didn't use our own eggs and sperm to get pregnant. Really, do acquaintances need to know that Dh has a low sperm count and my chromosomes aren't quite normal? With regular adoption most people would probably suspect there were fertility problems and not ask for specifics. But donor embryo gets a lot more complicated and people don't understand what would lead someone to do that. Even a lot of people going through IVF don't understand it.
    We will tell DD when she's old enough to understand reproduction, and she can decide for herself who she wants to know and how much. If she wants people to know, we'll help her tell them, or tell them for her.
    Rachel

  8. I don't want to go into a biology lesson with people, even acquaintances. I also don't want to go into our own fertility problems so that people understand why we didn't use our own eggs and sperm to get pregnant. Really, do acquaintances need to know that Dh has a low sperm count and my chromosomes aren't quite normal?

    OMG....this had me rolling!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself, it's the HONEST TRUTH of it all, it was hard enough for most of us to even get here w/o having to EXPLAIN all of the REASONS too. As I think I said before with my twins, I already get enough stupid comments, I can't even imagine if I threw in the fact that they were from DE, what a whole other "can of worms" would that open up???? GEEZ.

    K

  9. I guess I'm the exact opposite of most who commented here. We have a 9 1/2 month old from donor embies and a 4 year old from domestic adoption. The 4 year old looks EXACTLY like us, but the baby does not at all. People know I was preggo with the baby so I tell anyone who will listen that he was an adopted embryo. There's no other way to make people aware that its an option for people with IF.

  10. My husband and I are doing our 2nd FET with donor embies in July as well. We have a 20 month old son from our 1st successful attempt at FET with donor embies. We have 2 left. I am scheduled for Thursday, July 10th. We are pretty open about how I got pregnant because we love to share our story. It is such a miracle. We just think it is pretty amazing that we were able to get pregnant this way. We hope we can help other couples who may be going through the same thing and have never heard of embryo donation.

  11. I am adopted myself and have a seven month old from DE. I mentioned it on an adoption board where I was looking to get some support and I got loads of negative and appalling comments. Be careful who you tell. They even told me I was too old, at 44, to parent and was selfish. Mine is an open arrangement but apparently some adopted people think the whole thing is disgusting. I personally think that people who think they own their children because they have a genetic tie are more disgusting. Many people do appalling things to their genetic offspring. I think that parenting a child not genetically related to you shows selflessness and lack of ego. I feel like our daughter links us to more people in love and we need more of that in this world. Sorry I'm so emotional, but I got really upset.
    My husband and I got his whole family together and told our whole fertility journey so they would know. I'm not sure who else to tell but it is her story to tell in the end.

  12. MaiaMcCarron,this is so awesome to know that it does work with frozen embies!

    We did a FET with 4 embies donated to us,2 didnt survive the thaw but the 2 others were blasts,good grades and tomorrow is my beta,scared to death!!

    yatook,this is terrible,Ive been in your shoes before,I went for a psycology evaluation and she asked me if i was sure I was doing the right thing and all the ****,but I told her Im very sure!!

    Im 46,going on 26!!I dont care what people say,there will always be nasty insensitive people that will stick their nose where it doesnt belong,so don`t even bother with them!

    Good luck and enjoy your precious little ones!

    Natasha.

  13. yattoo - i'm so sorry people are so incredibly freaking rude. it's no one else's business. if you ever need support, we're here.

    by the way, the donor embryo cycle didn't work this summer but for a few days. we are now waiting for a beta on a donor embryo/surrogate cycle. THAT will be fun to explain.

  14. amy, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I totally agree with you about openness, and that ultimately it is the child's story to tell or not.

    And 44 is not too old! I'm 45, and if my donor FET takes (2.5 weeks to transfer!), I will be 46 when I give birth. So far I have not had to deal with stupid remarks and judgment, but I anticipate that I'll get my share.

  15. Hi girls,

    DH and I are about to do a donor egg cycle, and I personally don't feel that I need to explain our situation to anyone at all.

    People like gossip, love stories, like to have things to talk about....and I refuse to have my family be the center of all of that, kwim? I am not telling anyone, except for my parents, simply because I don't feel that I owe anyone any information. It is our life, our choice, our future.

    Because people who haven't walked in our shoes don't understand, I worry that they would judge us and moreover, judge my child.

    As I always hear, fertile people don't divulge their stories, why should we feel like we have to talk about ours. For a good gossip amongst "friends"? No thank you!

  16. One of the pros as I see it to either explain when asked, or to say adoption, is that people aren't going to be thinking wow, she was pregnant, and the baby looks nothing like her or her husband, wonder if she had an affair? That kind of gossip is poison too and you won't hear that stuff generally, it just circles behind backs. Though to be honest, I think that it really is no one's business about your children and I don't know about leaving yourself open to comments from others. Once it's out there, you can't take it back. I never understood why people feel so free to comment about things like that, as though they feel they have the right. I have triplets and man, people felt free to tell me all sorts of stuff, commenting on my fertility (must be drugs right? so you brought it on yourself right?), "I'd shoot myself if I were you," or the man on the street who stopped me to say that my husband should have used condoms. People would *stop their cars in traffic* to roll down the windows and shout at me "Did you use FERTILITYYYYYYY???" Like I'd tell them my story. There are stupid people everywhere. You can always put it on them: why do you ask?

    Embryo donation is at the forefront of the ART world - even more than donor egg or sperm. Our families don't deserve to be talked about, but people talk regardless. We can direct some of the talk where we want it to go, or ignore it, but people are going to talk either in front or in back of us. Grr.

    The good news is, people tend to stop commenting about children once they are older, I find. It's the babies that get all the attention and the brunt of the rudeness and opinions. If you wait to tell, you'll have less interest and more time to think about it. And the gossip will be much less interesting to spread around - as kids get older, people tend to care less on the details.

  17. leilab-Agree with you 100%. Shame on those people who make comments about your triplets. They have NO idea what &^%% we go through to have children and like we asked for this diehababdelgawadse in the first place?!! I agree, just don't open the door, and then people have no room to get in their opinions! A psych told us "be careful what you put out there bc you can never take it back"-if you don't put anything out there, then no one has any fun gossip to spread!

    When we cycled with my own eggs, I told a couple of close friends about it and it was SO much pressure. Since then, I've kept my mouth shut and it's a whole lot easier, but believe you me, they are seething to get any info. out of me that they can about our "next step" and I am not leaking anything!

  18. I have 2 children through domestic adoption, and then my youngest is from a DFET cycle. We tell everyone (well, not most strangers) our story. It gives people hope, and they get to learn that miracles do happen. I have had quite a few friends who know people who are going through IF and then they tell them our story, and it helps them. I have even had two couples come to us to hear our story firsthand. I am very rpoud of how we created our family. My kids think they are pretty special since they have sooooo many people who love them and look out for them, (and spoil them)! One of our adoptions is completely open, and the other is completely closed, and our DFET is mostly open as well. I kinda wish they were all open as I am afraid that the one that is closed will frustrate my son since his siblings have contact with their "other families" and he doesn't. (But then again, I don't have to share him at all!!!) My kids are actually going to be in an HBO special that will be airing in Dec '09. It's about families created through IVF, and what the kids image and understanding is of how it all happens.

    Carrie

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