trying to wrap my mind around DE

(20 posts)(12 voices)
  1. How did you get to the point where you were excited about donor eggs?

  2. laraine- sorry you haven't gotten any responses. i really don't know what to say about it- i probably got excited when they handed me the baby in the delivery room. not kidding- i'm not really the type who bonds with my baby in the womb (whatever bonding is) and the whole pregnancy didn't feel real to me much at all (it was our 9th cycle, so i may have been protecting myself). but i knew i would fall in love with my child when i saw him and i did. so i just went through much of the process kind of detached. not sure it's the healthiest way, but it's the truth.

    fwiw, i have an older naturally conceived son- and i remember feeling the same way- not excited till i actually had that baby in my arms- i also remember being somewhat surprised when it turned out to be an actual baby in there.

    pilma

  3. I agree with pilma. It wasn't until the babies were born that I got excited, I think it too was a defense mechanism. I didn't bond too much in the womb, was even afraid to get a 3 or 4 d u/s b/c I wasn't sure I was ready to see what they looked like (since I knew they didn't look like me). But once they are born, you just fall in love and although I haven't forgotten I used donor eggs yet (I've read here that many parents do) I don't feel anything but love and excitement for raising my girls and I know in my heart they are mine.

    I remember when the RE told me over the phone that I flunked my clomid challenge test and I would need donor eggs to conceive, he said, "I've never met a mother who used donor eggs that regretted the decision once they have a baby in their arms." At first I hated him for saying that (I was bitter!) but now I totally get it.

    Good luck with your decision, it's hard and one that can take up to birth to get your brain wrapped around.

    Yahia
    g/g twins (3 wks old)

  4. Thank you both.

    I was curious since I've read posts from people using donor eggs and they seem so excited during the retrieval fertilization process. I was wondering how a person gets from the shock of knowing you need donor eggs to being excited when those eggs are harvested. What the both of you said makes sense to me.

    pilma- you cracked me up with the being surprised that there was a baby in there. thanks

  5. Hi Laraine,

    I have not done my DE cycle yet, but I am excited bc I feel like this is our first real IF treatment where we actually have a good shot at it working! It wasn't until our 2nd IVF that my RE diagnosed me with abnormal eggs...so I feel like all of the Letrozole, IUIs, and IVFs with my own eggs were a total waste! And now I finally have something with a better chance than 5 or 10%. I am grateful that there are women out there who will donate their eggs to me so that DH and I can start our family and have a child. After all of the treatments, it has come down to the fact that we just want a child, we want to raise a family, and be the best parents we can be. It no longer matters if it's my DNA, DH's DNA, etc. We need "a few good eggs", as the book goes, and want a baby!

    Good luck on your journey,
    mariofreitas

  6. I became excited when I realized it would probably really work, unlike the IUI & IVF cycles I'd done... it was wonderful when I realized that I had a real chance of success! ANd it did work - I had twins on the 1st DE cycle.
    GOod luck to you!

  7. Hi LaRaine! I got excited when my first DE beta was positive. DH & I had already had 3 m/c with my eggs. With the first pg, the m'c came at 16 wk and was a HUGE surprise (I had done CVS testing and the baby was OK). So for the 2nd pg, I didn't believe it, didn't think about it, tried to block it out of my mind. When that m/c happened around 11 wks, then I felt bad that I had missed all that time with my "baby". So for the next pg, even though it only lasted a few weeks, I decided to enjoy every minute of it, and actually let myself be pg and happy about it. Those two m/c were caused by chromosome problems (Doc tested the placentas on both, after D&Cs and there were numerous problems), so at that point I KNEW my eggs were finished.

    We went to counseling for a year, trying to mourn the m/cs but also trying to decide about DE. Once I decided to go for it, I told my doc he would get 1 try at it and then I was done. By this time, we'd been undergoing treatment for 5 years, I was 43 and TIRED! Bottom line, they retrieved 10 eggs, 8 fertilized, put 2 in and TAAA DAAA! DD is now almost 3.5!

    I did POAS 7 days after the 5 day transfer, got a positive result. Went out and bought 4 or 5 more kits, did POAS a buncha more times. Positive every time. WooHoo! So when I went for my beta, I knew it would be positive, but didn't know how good it would be. When they called and said it was 300, I went BABY SHOPPING! I know that sounds nuts, but for me, I was determined to make every minute count no matter what the outcome was!

    I had a very hard pg, with high BP and fibroids in the uterus with the baby, and nausea 24/7 for the entire 8 months. But I tried REALLY hard to enjoy it, playing music to the baby, DH read books to her, etc, and we celebrated every minute with her until she was born 3 weeks early by a C-section. I bought one of those monitors so I could listen to her heartbeat, and was lucky enough to go every 2-4 weeks for U/S, so I got to see her a lot! She came home at 4 lb 14 oz, so we had to wake her up every 2 hours round the clock to BF. That lasted the first three months, so I basically just tried to survive that time. But once she started sleeping 3-4 hours at a time, so I started feeling like myself again, I was right back to being in LOVE with her!

    She turned 3 in Sept and I am home 2 days/wk with her, and DH is home 1 day/wk, and then the weekends are for the three of us! We are still having a wonderful time being parents and it is definitely the most AMAZING thing I've ever done. There are times that are hard, and times you get crabby with her, but they are far outweighed by the good times. "Oh, Mommy, you're my favorite" makes up for a lot, ya know??!

    One thing that stayed in the back of my mind til DD was 2.5 or 3 is that I always had a teeny part of me that wondered is she really here, is she OK, is she staying here, will she actually survive & grow up and be OK???? Part of that was the m/cs, part of it was her size, and part of it was my anxiety, but a few months ago, I noticed that I never thought like that anymore.....

    Good luck on your journey! The one thing I've learned over the past 8 years is that everyone has different thoughts and feelings, and they are all OK. You don't have to feel any certain way at any given time, just go with it and be yourself. And if you don't get excited til your DC is here, or is going to kindergarten, or graduating from high school, that's OK too!!
    Suz

  8. I think it's a little hard to get one's mind around the second child regardless of whether DE or not. When I spoke to friends/family about expecting the 2nd, I don't think anyone expects to be able to love another child as much as the first. I was in the same boat - all about 3yoDS (naturally conceived), even while very pg with DD. (And DS looks just like me, too, which I was very aware of while pg.) It was amazing though when she was born. I do love her just as much as DS. Now I am thankful I needed DE - without it, I wouldn't have had this particular amazing child. There is no doubt that she is as much mine as DS. I am in love with both of them.

    Good luck to you!

  9. This is an interesting thread. I've not yet talked to anyone who's done DE. I have made a lot of connections in the 2 years that I've been on IVFC and most of the women I've met/talked to are now mothers. DE seems like such an interesting choice, esp. for us who do not want to tell anyone.

  10. There is a yahoo group that's very helpful w/ the issue of DE. It's at pved.org ~ only DE moms or moms to be.

  11. when i worked on obstetrics (nursing student) i fell in love with every baby i held, and they certainly were not mine! i am going to do DE/DS in 2 months and am really excited. having been through a few m/c's by the age of 43, I decided to give myself a better chance to have a healthy baby, which is ultimately good for my baby too...

  12. I am just going through my 3rd m/c after my first IVF cycle and waiting for the bleeding to start and I've been considering it since last year after my 2nd m/c. I'm 42- will be 43 in couple of months and just tired of not making it past 6 weeks and I really want to have a child and start being a Mom. Sure I could keep trying for another year- but I don't want to wait and go through the heartbreak of each failed time. This 3rd pg I didn't get excited and at the US this past Thurs she said there was nothing in the sac so I knew. My DH had not been thinking about needing DE as he was still hopeful so he's still processing it but willing to go that route. He has a bio child from a previous relationship and very understanding and supportive about me wanting to have a child of my own.

    Needless to say, after a couple of hours I was excited at the prospect of using 20 something year old eggs and having a successful pregnancy! I still am and can't wait to "get on with it". My odds go up to 60-70% shot! I seem to get pg easily but m/c early so I'm feeling very confident this will work!

  13. Hi looking forward, welcome to our thread!!! I'm sorry about all of your setbacks. It sounds like you are trying for child #1?

    Anyway, we've been trying since I was 31, and still no baby, so finally decided last year to get an egg donor. Enough is enough. I was in denial about it for a long time, but the truth is, some women do go into early DOR. I don't present as the classic DOR patient as I stimulate well, but my egg quality is horrible.

    I'm so sorry about your m/c. It must be so hard to be sitting and waiting for the bleeding to start.

  14. I am in my 2 WW of my 3rd IVF. I am a poor responder, but some cycles my egg quality is better than others. My doctor thinks I should be able to get pregnant. But at what point do you give up and make the decision for DE's? I am turning 37 and my husband is 52. He is very anxious for this to happen if it is going to happen (he already has 2 children).

    I hate giving up on my own eggs..but I just don't feel I can take the disappointment, time, and money to keep going when the odds are not that high.

    I have gone on several DE websites. It just seems so weird to me..picking out the "baby's mamma." I am trying to get my mind around DE's.
    I just want to be a mom.

    I wish everyone luck in the process and the path they take to bring home a baby!

  15. Yes, you are correct that I'm trying for #1. Last year when I was thinking about DE- I looked at a donor pool book that my clinic has and wasn't very comfortable with the idea but as time went on and with this preg. I actually started looking into more to prepare myself and talking to my DH so I would be prepared in case bad news (which it was). Now I'm much more comfortable and just decided that life doesn't always turn out the way we think and I'm sure I will love a DE baby as my own bio child and I want to be a mother more than I care about the biology.

    What stage of the DE process are you at?

    Hi looking forward, welcome to our thread!!! I'm sorry about all of your setbacks. It sounds like you are trying for child #1? Anyway, we've been trying since I was 31, and still no baby, so finally decided last year to get an egg donor. Enough is enough. I was in denial about it for a long time, but the truth is, some women do go into early DOR. I don't present as the classic DOR patient as I stimulate well, but my egg quality is horrible. I'm so sorry about your m/c. It must be so hard to be sitting and waiting for the bleeding to start.

  16. maria_z- Yes, you are correct that I'm trying for #1. Last year when I was thinking about DE- I looked at a donor pool book that my clinic has and wasn't very comfortable with the idea but as time went on and with this preg. I actually started looking into more to prepare myself and talking to my DH so I would be prepared in case bad news (which it was). Now I'm much more comfortable and just decided that life doesn't always turn out the way we think and I'm sure I will love a DE baby as my own bio child and I want to be a mother more than I care about the biology.

    What stage of the DE process are you at?

    Hi looking forward, welcome to our thread!!! I'm sorry about all of your setbacks. It sounds like you are trying for child #1? Anyway, we've been trying since I was 31, and still no baby, so finally decided last year to get an egg donor. Enough is enough. I was in denial about it for a long time, but the truth is, some women do go into early DOR. I don't present as the classic DOR patient as I stimulate well, but my egg quality is horrible. I'm so sorry about your m/c. It must be so hard to be sitting and waiting for the bleeding to start.

  17. Hi m_anast,

    I think you just know when it's time. Don't worry about the process being uncomfortable. It is. Think back to when you did your first IUI or had your first RE consult. Didn't it seem overwhelming? Did you have any idea that you would even consider IVF? I didn't like looking at the profiles either... weird! Totally weird. I remember in the beginning stages even crying and logging off. In the end, I picked on prior cycle history and NOT other characteristics. It stopped mattering.

    Hi looking forward,

    How is DH handling everything? AFM, I'm in the stim phase of my DE FET. I never got to do the live cycle. The cycle got canceled for bad lining.

  18. Hi ttm0172 -my DH is processing- it will be several months until be actually get to it so he'll have some time to let it sink it. He's still in the disappointment phase that we won't have bio children together. He had a really rotten marriage that lasted about 5 years which he has a daughter from and we both just wish we'd met each other soon so we could have bio kids together.

    But, fortunately, since we both are a bit older andd have had life's bumps- this is just another one and we'll push through it.

    I bet you are so excited! When is the transfer date scheduled?

  19. "I have gone on several DE websites. It just seems so weird to me..picking out the "baby's mamma." I am trying to get my mind around DE's.
    I just want to be a mom."

    This is exactly how I felt when beginning the DE process. Now that DD is almost 6 months old I will say, completely, I am this baby's mama. Someone donated genetics, but I grew her, I delivered her, I nurse her, I stay up with her at night, I take care of her when she is sick - and best of all, I am the one she looks for in the room and smiles at. I am her mamma.

    Scour every website, every board, I doubt you will find anyone who regretted the DE decision or feels less about that child. It's difficult to comprehend at this point in the process, but have faith that you will get there!

  20. Very well said! I have noticed that I feel strange when talking with donor egg coordinators about "how much does she costs"- kinda like I'm going to the store shopping or something! I've gotten more comfortable with the idea of it with the more research I do.

    Also, I'm on a website that is specifically for donor egg Moms or Moms to be:

    pved.org

    Check it out!

    "I have gone on several DE websites. It just seems so weird to me..picking out the "baby's mamma." I am trying to get my mind around DE's. I just want to be a mom."This is exactly how I felt when beginning the DE process. Now that DD is almost 6 months old I will say, completely, I am this baby's mama. Someone donated genetics, but I grew her, I delivered her, I nurse her, I stay up with her at night, I take care of her when she is sick - and best of all, I am the one she looks for in the room and smiles at. I am her mamma. Scour every website, every board, I doubt you will find anyone who regretted the DE decision or feels less about that child. It's difficult to comprehend at this point in the process, but have faith that you will get there!

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