To Tell or Not to Tell - *Warning* Kids Mentioned

(4 posts)(4 voices)
  1. We are in the early stages of doing a donor egg cycle, and we are very excited about it. I have been reading as much as I can to try and gain some insights from people who have more experience with this process, and who already have children via DE. I know there is a lot of discussion about whether to tell the child about his/her genetic origin and my own view would generally be that telling is best and secrets are harmful.

    BUT... we already have two DDs via regular IVF, using our own egg and sperm. Does that have an effect on whether we should tell the child about his/her origin or not? I would feel terrible if the child were to feel "different" or somehow compare him/herself to our DDs and wonder ... Most of the articles/blogs I read about this topic don't deal with that issue.

    I would very much appreciate any thoughts or links to sites that deal with this issue.

  2. of course this is personal- i have a ds from first ivf- almost 4 years ago. We are moving to DE- and PRAYING we can use dh sperm. My plan is to disclose, simply b/c i don't want my child or children to find out later and think it was something to hide. I think that a child is more equipped to handle this if they know from the very earliest that "This is just how it is" there is no secrecy, no shame. The hard part is determining "who else" you want to know b/c if you tell the kids, they will tell everyone else. How old are your children??? I would suggest talking with a child counselor who has dealt with this issue, but I still think honesty is the best policy. I will not keep this a secret at all- I won't get on a mountain and yell it- but many of my co-workers know i am planning on doing it- and when asked about my ivf journey i usually just can't keep a secret about it.

    I think for me we will tell the child and our son and not make a 'big deal about it" in hopes our ds will be like, "just another story".

  3. the short and simple reason behind our choice is we have a dd from well just a miracle and she is almost 8 and knows we are using donor eggs and refers to herself as mommys one good egg lol. So we have been kind of forced to be open because she tells people. And we don't want our child(ren) to find out from their big sister one day and think its something we are ashamed of.

  4. i plan to let my child know that I used 2 donors and i have told some people, maybe too many but from this i have had a few women ask me for more information about the process, so maybe it will help others. i respect the decision of parent(s) not to tell the child but what makes me uncomfortable is the fact that i can read people's posts and know about their use of DE but their child will not. i realize this is an anonymous site and people want to discuss this issue but it feels to me like i am in on a secret the child may never know.

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