some rambling and finally a question about finding a donor

(8 posts)(6 voices)
  • Started by markantonis ago.
  • Latest reply from natasa.mudresa.
  1. **warning, bio children mentioned

    Hello everyone,

    This is my first post on this forum. I'm pretty close to deciding to go forward with donor egg. I've got two bio children from IVF (3 and 5), but I'm approaching 42 and realizing that working with my eggs is not going to be productive anymore (and maybe scary anyway given the risk of abnormal eggs). Just failed a FET with the only two embryos we ever had to freeze. Wouldn't that have been nice if it had just worked?! I have to admit that I'm annoyed with DH because his (partially undisclosed) health issues delayed our journey to parenthood and now I am just old. But I also know deep in my soul that I am not finished.

    I see that many of us in this situation search long and hard for the right (maybe perfect) donor. Do any of you not care that much about the donor? Okay, maybe that is some kind of indication that I'm in denial, but I'm not that picky with major criteria (race, eye color, etc.). I don't think matching the criteria that I need to match will be that difficult. I don't really want to see pictures. Of course, I could be convinced, but I'm afraid that seeing them will put some sort of image in my head that I won't be able to forget. And I kind of want to forget. And if I really get to searching, then I'm afraid it will become more difficult rather than less difficult to find the right person. Because what I really want is me, right?

    I haven't resolved my position on disclosure. But I can't imagine that I could NOT tell something like this, no matter how much I wish I could keep it to myself. I don't like the kids books that talk about something missing in mommy or something being broken. That's not really true. Hopefully there are some books out there that will work for us to help with sharing our decision with the child if we are lucky enough to have one.

    I am sad, I am bummed, I am disappointed that age has gotten in my way. I am freaked out about "changing the dynamics" for my existing children. But I also want to be a parent to another baby. I think DE is more appealing than adoption right now (for lots of reasons, but mostly because my DH is actually VERY specific about his need for a genetic link).

    So, back to my question. If I am willing to go forward, is it okay that I trust the clinic to match me? I don't even know all the rules at my clinic yet, just now making my appointment. I'm pretty sure you don't get to see pictures and that they have a decent in house donor pool. Are all of you saying to yourselves, oh yeah, another newbie who needs to get a clue?

    What if I am just happy to get a reasonable donor, rather than the perfect donor?

    Thanks for all the great contributions to discussions already available on IVFC. I don't know what I would do without this place.




    I am 43 and DH is 39. We are going for DE IVF in January in the Czech Republic (at that time we will be 44/40). We both have prior success (first marriages) with grown children. I have an FSH of 52. Going OE is not realistic. We plan to use DH sperm unless something catastrophic happens to his SA between here and there. I have contemplated whether there would be any difference for me between my bio children and DE children. I firmly believe that this wouldn't make one smidge of difference for me. I want to parent with my DH. I want the day to day joys of raising another child--not a genetic link.
    The clinic in Zlin does totally annonymous DE/DS programs as per Czech laws. I will never be allowed to see any pictures of the donor. I send pictures of me with a list of preferences and the clinic chooses the donor. Two things that I can say that I like about that arrangement is this:
    1. I will never have an image in my mind of the donor to compare my LO's features to. I will never compare my LO's looks to a picture I once saw.
    2. I will not agonize over the decision and second guess everything---I will leave it in the hands of fate (or God).
    I don't think there is a problem with letting clinics choose--I am doing exactly that . Jeni

  3. HI, I came across your post and hope I can help. In Canada you have to KNOW your donar. I actually had to do a failed ivf in order to get on the d/e list. After my failed cycle, I asked one of my friends is she'd donate her eggs. It took her a few weeks but she finally decided yes. Have you thought about asking someone you know? like a cousin or younger sister? or even a friend you trust. It was a long process. We ALL had to meet with physcologist and get screened. Dh and I had to talk to them about how they felt about this and that. I actually had to phone the clinic and talk to a nurse and ask how should I get this conversation started as I had no clue. I feel that I did a pretty good job. For us, we'll always have that close connection with my friend/donar. I am currently 19wks pg with a girl. She came with me to the u/s on Monday and it was such a special day and I will admit it can be emotionally charging. I wouldn't change a thing though. I do or am thrilled that she's got a good head on her shoulders and she's smarter than I feel I am. I think my dh is a smart cookie When I made my decsion to do d/e, I feel and still do, that I'm grateful that someone's willing to donate no matter what, I mean I look at it as having the oppertunity and I don't or feel womwn shouldn't get hung up on weither donar's "proven" or "unproven"

    Good luck and feel free to pm me if you'd like someone to talk to about d/e!

  4. Wow, thank you both for your thoughts on this. Both very different experiences and ideas you have to share and both very helpful. I think I can see that we will all have to make some peace with our choices along the way and that there are all kinds of ways for our own stories to play out.

    natasa.mudresa, let me tell ya, I am heartbroken that I can't ask my sisters. I have FOUR of them. Two are still young enough to be in the game (not yet 35). One just gave birth two months ago and one is due in October. I just can't ask them in the middle of beginning their own families (and both will breastfeed forever). I think they would do it if they could. But my family is also deeply Catholic and even if they disagree with lots of it (the theology, that is), it might be just too complicated to resolve Catholicism and IVF (but who knows, I haven't asked them). None of them know about my IVF history because I have not been able to bring myself to risk judgement (particularly from my parents). They just don't understand IF.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy. You have intrigued me by asking the questions you did. I don't know if I have a friend who can do it or not, but I am going to mull it over in the next few weeks.

    Alex, thank you for sharing your experience. I know that I am not capable of that kind of travel for IVF right now. I think it is an excellent option, though, and if my circumstances were different, I would do it in a heartbeat. Thank you so, so much for explaining your take on pictures. I am just so freaked out by the pictures thing. I have browsed donor sites, and I just can't get past how the image would be burned into my head. You know, I believe that almost every kid is cute given the right circumstances. If you put a Mini Boden dress on a girl and braid her hair, how can she not be cute? (I hope that came out right -- my point is that I believe that environment is more important than genetics, given no serious genetic flaws, which a picture can't rule out.)

    I did make my appointment with the clinic today, but I have to wait 6 weeks. I hope to take care of some of the required tests and paperwork before then, so I can actually get on the wait list then and get matched asap. I'm sure we all want that, right?!


  5. well, markantonis, would you like an in-between response? we picked our own donor, have seen pictures and know about her educational and family history, but we don't know her- although she is open to getting to know us and we will probably do this when the kids are older. i believe pretty strongly in telling the child, and in having that opportunity for him to know his egg donor (i agree iwth you on the books, broken, thing- i'm not broken, but i am old). anyway, my kids (2 boys) have a lot of the donor's features and i like it- i can see her chin on one, both have her full lips and big cheeks. it really doesn't bother me- sometimes i'll go and compare pics of teh boys with her pic.

    anyway, guess i want more control and i know too much about genetics to let somebody else pick (esp somebody like my RE who basically said, "an egg is an egg" well, i think otherwise). and i prioritized other things over looks- which is what i think the clinics tend to match on-

    so i guess there are all kinds of ways to do it...

    best of luck to you, pilma

    ps mine were born when i was 44 and 46. my OB said there is no medical reason why i couldn't do it again. all that extra time is the beauty of donor eggs.

  6. I agree with pilma about knowing the genetics of the donor. There are health issues that I look out that is present in my DH's background as well as serious health issues such as diabetes, etc. I also prefer an attractive donor whose features would match my DH b/c frankly he's good-looking so it would be a shame to not see that passed on. I definitely prefer knowing the bio on my donor although I would probably not meet or have a relationship with her for fear of future legal issues. (If I'm not mistaken, there was a case re: a sperm donor who maintained a relationship with the resulting child which lead to a child support lawsuit.) I hope this helps.

  7. WOW! Barge just to say hello to Lacy! I have missed you and your crazy exciting posts! Hope you are well. I have thought about you a lot the last year.

  8. pilma- yes that's a good point too! But I just hope the baby look similar to me that no one can tell. I have read somewhere on here that using donar eggs can also mix mother's who carrying the eggs too, which I thought was facinating.

    Also, we've allowed our donar to be involved in this pregnancy as much or as little as whe wants. I think she'll try and make it to the delivery, but we've left it up to her, she went with me last Monday for my u/s and when I met the pri and genetics. I just feel blessed that she was wiling to give such a gift like that Without her, I would never be a parent unless I presued adoption which we may further down the road.

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