So Sad and Angry

(6 posts)(4 voices)
  1. I just got a negative yesterday - I was 7 days post 5 day transfer.

    None of our previous cycles got this far - the first time we got to Day 12 of stims before they told me that it wasn't working and they canceled the cycle - with no previous warning that there were any problems. The second cycle was canceled almost straight away because I had cysts (that were formed from the follicles from the previous canceled cycle) and now this - the furthest we got.

    My husband was sure all the way through that this was our successful cycle - he foresaw twins, boys. He saw our future. I didn't feel positive about it from day one - I think I was tired from the long cycle we had just been through and I relied on him to keep my spirits up and keep us going. As things progressed further and further I dared to believe that it just might work.

    But when the bleeding started I knew it wasn't right. And reading other people's experiences, I knew it wasn't the spotting that they were talking about from the embryos attaching.

    After the bloods were taken yesterday morning, we went to see our nurse and I could see from her face that it wasn't going to be good. So we took our time and sat whilst I cried until it had sunk in a bit.

    I feel so bad for my husband. Whilst it was me taking the drugs and expanding, and trying to do everything I could to make it work, he has had to stand by me, support me and watch me. What more could he have done? He looks so tired and I don't know what to do to make him better.

    And I feel so tired and I don't know what to do to heal myself. I know I am still full of hormones and it's going to take time for them to leave my body, I have no idea how to carry on and get ready for the next cycle.

    How do you get hope back?

  2. Jvr
    I am soo sorry for the loss. Try to find other things today that you and DH are thankful today.
    I do not have any magic suggestions, just know that there are people who know how you feel and getting it out is a start.
    I have left the boards, went to the theripist and went back to my IF friends.
    Time helps, ((Hugs))

  3. JRV,

    I am so sorry.

    I completely and totally understand. After more than a decade, and many many cycles (all failures)....I am not even sure I have an answer to how you get hope back and how you deal with the heartache and anger.

    Hope can be painful after so much failure, but I guess I think to myself, if I don't continue to try, there is no real hope at all, and because I long for this so much, I have continued (well "we" Dh and I).

    Be good to yourself (well both of you), support each other-but reach out for support from safe places too (counselling can be reall worthwhile-even just one or two sessions).

    Take care.

  4. JRV - I too understand how you feel. I have been through 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles. With my last fresh I got a BFP only to miscarry at 7 wks. I am not sure which is worst getting a BFN or getting a BFP only to miscarry. I am frustrated and angry. I feel like the worst kind of joke has been played on me. My biological clock is ticking loud and feel all kinds of pressure that if it doesn't happen soon it won't happen at all. I have 4 frozen so we will try FET in either January or February.
    I am also a christian and right now IVF is testing it like nothing else in my life. There are days when I question my faith. I have to take a step back from my life and try to get things in order. Easier said than done.

    Take care of yourself.

  5. This process drives me to sometimes think that we are being punished for something by a higher being - that's what infertility feels like. It is just so unfair.

    We saw our dr this morning and have decided to do a FET late January 2010. It will be our first FET.

    I went to see my therapist today and that really helped - there's just nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better in any way.

    But here are some of the things that my friends have said to try to show me they are identifying with me: -

    - one friend told me she knew how I was feeling because she once had a termination
    - another told me that the IVF process was very similar to him and his girlfriend getting a puppy from the pound - he was serious
    - and I also get men friends telling me that they are sorry, and then tell me how many of their past girlfriends they have got pregnant, who then had to have terminations.

    Really, could these people understand any less what this is like?!

  6. JRV,

    This is exactly why we have been in the "no Tell" camp! No offense to all the women who share your journey...I don't really think people mean to say insensitive comments but there is no true understanding on the struggles that we encounter.
    Try to shrug it off and start trying to heal.
    Thinking of you

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