remarriage, stepkids and IVF nightmare

(8 posts)(6 voices)
  1. decided it was too painful to have this on the web

    lets just say I am terrified of my adult step kids causing further problems and later revealing to our baby that it was from donor eggs and sperm when my husband want to not tell the baby

  2. I don't know if you are still reading here. Sorry you are terrified. Seems like you have two choices (and combinations thereof): Don't tell the step kids and/or do tell your DE/DS babies.

    I don't why you are terrified. Sounds like your relationship with the stepkids may not be so great. But really, if you want more kids, that's your choice, and you can get them however you can. And who knows, maybe the stepkids will surprise you by being more tolerant/trustworthy than you expect. In any case, you can always -- truthfully -- tell your kids that you went to the DE/DS extreme to have them because you wanted them sooooooooooo much!

    Best of luck,
    fabio

  3. I tend to expect the worst with my step kids. They are all around 30. When their father and I married they had a fit because they wanted him mourning their late mother's memory forever. I did IUI while we were engaged and was pregnant when we married. They didn't know about the IUI only our wedding. We were waiting to them until they had gotten used to the idea that we were married but the fuss they made about the wedding was so awful I became very stressed and I miscarried.

    When my husband told my stepdaughter that I had miscarried, she screamed that she was glad that I had miscarried and told him he had no business having a baby. Then she and her brother's girl friend went out and got pregnant.

    Having the baby thing it is biologically his is very important to my husband but I am so afraid they will spill the beans in a nasty way. He keeps assuming the best with his kids and I do not want our baby to pay the price when they prove him wrong again.

    I guess part of it is that they see a child born to my husband and I do be a reason for them to recieve less handouts. The "needed" over $50,000 last year. So that is another stresser. They keep wanting money or to move in and I it is cutting into my IVF budget.

    Stupid, stupid, stupid stuff.

  4. Hi.
    I don't have any great words of advice except that you should remind your DH how lucky he is to have found you. His children sound like they have many "challenges" (that kind of immature, manipulative behavior at 30ish!) and many girls would have passed him up for not wanting to deal with it. I hope your DH really supports how ever you decide is best to handle this.
    Good luck.

  5. doing it again, I'm not sure if you are still reading here. I share your concerns. DH has two kids from his previous marriage. While they are a bit younger, they also demand more and more as a result of their previous life w/ mom and dad together coddling them every step of the way. And, I just watch my finances drain. They are resentful of me because I married their dad. And, I'm sure if they knew we were using donor egg, that they would tell our kids (if this ever works for us).
    Your DH is lucky to have you. Not many women would put up with all of this. At times I wonder why I do.

    Our plans are to not tell his kids that we used donor egg. We will start educating our kids about reproduction sooner than most to pave the way for them to understand if they hear about their conception from someone else before we are ready to tell them. That is, if we tell them.

    I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.

    RSP

  6. Thank you all for replying. I'm sorry I didn't post back sooner but this issue has been getting under my skin to the point that I had to just stop thinking about anything baby related for a while. (three months is a pretty long time so I guess it probably seemed like I'd left the site for good)

    There is a lot I would say but its about stuff that isn't entrely IVF related. Its just the things that make it so difficult to cope with and I don't want to upset people by dragging in issues that might cause others feel stressed but in the end its all about wanting things to work out the right way in a very complicated situation.

    I know what I want. I know what my husband wants. Unfortunately it is going to make my stepkids very displeased and I don't know what to do about it. I'm just not sure what to do to make them feel enough better that I will think of them as being emotionally safe people to have in my childs life. Imagine if the stepdaughter with the viperous tongue decided to tell my child that "He can't feel the same about you because he isn't your real father" What does one do with that? I could deal with the issues of sibling rivalry if it was on an even playing field but with the 30+ years age difference how can a child be expected to cope with adult siblings who are jealous. The woman's mouth and brain are just not connected and if she is angry anything she thinks just comes out without any concern for what it does to others. Then she can't understand why people get upset with her. Its just about impossible to imagine allowing the child to be around her.

    Feelings ran really high when it all came up before I lost the first baby. I hate to think what will happen if they are actually confronted with a living baby. Maybe they will fall in love with it and all will be well but I doubt it.

    I guess one just keeps on going and hopes for the best. Its just that IVF takes one to the point of making a choice. It would be so nice to pretend to myself that I just woke up pregnant one morning without having to deal with the effects my choices have on other peoples feelings. Man oh man, as if hormones, the cost of treatments and all the rest wasn't enough I have to add knowing that there will be a dysfunctional family situation to the mix. Arrgghhh!!! One day I told a friend about what was eating at me and she said "Maybe God is trying to tell you something and you are not supposed to have a child because of the situation" but I can't believe that. I don't think that being unable to become pregnant has anything to do with God saying not to combine a baby with the stepkids issue yet it hurts that I have to think about my baby being unwelcome.

  7. Avraam
    After reading your post it seems like your situation is almost the same as mine. I too have stepchildren in there late 20's and early 30's that act like they are 5 years old. There mother is still in the picture and does not help there attitude at all, she only adds fuel to the fire. Im just as scared for the emotional well being of any children I may have that may be exposed to them. Please send me a private message on this board and we can talk more in private if you like.

    Hugs
    salimtigre

  8. Well, sounds like we are all in the same boat... I have a step-daughter who is a complete b*&$#. My DH has put her in drug REHAB I know ten times and she is still doing METH. The step-daughter gave birth to a son 2 1/2 years ago and I miscarried. We waited three years to see if we could have a baby and no luck on our own. We did IVF and conceived on the first try and I miscarried 8wk5days. We was so devasted about the loss but my step-daughter who NEVER CALLS wanted to call me the day of the d/c and tell me she was sorry about the baby. WHATEVER, I know that she was happy because she kept tell me at Easter that it was going to be hard getting use to having a brother or sister.. I know my DH ex-wife was happy about the m/c but the thing they don't know is that we did IVF and they both would be ****** off about how much it cost.... If the Step-daughter don't keep her mouth shut I sure will tell her and will let her know that I will do IVF again..

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