Question for those planning to disclose....

(30 posts)(29 voices)
  1. So far we've told our daughter, close family members and very close friends.

    I told m daughter when she was 6. I read her a kid's book about how babies are born and then I said "Remember the part about the egg? Well, sometimes people's eggs don't work so well and someone can give them a gift of an egg. Mommy's eggs weren't working so well and someone gave me their egg as a gift and the Dr put it together with Daddy's sperm and we put it back in my tummy and then you grew and grew until I pushed you out! And you were the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen!"
    I made it very light. She just wanted to hear again how beautiful she was
    Hasn't asked me about since. I'm not sure when to bring it up again. She's 7 now..

  2. Hi everyone I am 14 wks and 5 day with twins. We did donor eggs and when my pregnancy is discussed I let them know that it was ivf and donor eggs. I also express that I didnt want to pass on my medical to our baby and that I dont have to worry about everything in my family being passed down.

  3. We origanlly didn't want to tell our child but some family already knows.

    But as we started reading recent studies concerning adults who found out at later point in life it became very apparent that when children are told at a young age and it is a regular part of life that there is no resentment... but when they found out at an older age there was always some painful, resentful feelings.

    Also, from talking to several counselors they say that a child can always tell when there is a deep dark secret whether extended family knows or not. There always seems to be something there...

    We have decided to have very open conversations with our children... while not easy we think it's the best decision for us.

    Not an easy decision for anyone.

  4. I have found through the infertily struggle of the past five years that it is easier for me to be open with family and close friends because I get more support. Our immediate families and our close friends know we did DE; therefore, we plan to disclose to our boys when they are old enough to start understanding a bit. For me, I think it will show them just how much mommy and daddy wanted to have them and how much they are loved!

  5. i have a story of my own life to share...
    my mom was a single mom, and i didnt have much contact with my father. he died when i was 13 overehababdelgawads. when i was in my young 20's and finishing art at university, a relative brought over my fathers sketchbooks. it was as if the same hand had drawn these lines. it was profound.
    it resonated that we carry our genes deep in ourselves, that they come with us.
    donor eggs or sperm are much more than just one starter 'cell'. they are a footprint, a foundation.
    if, as an adult, there was a different footprint between me and my parents, i would sure know it. maybe unconcious, but the disparity i could not imagine not knowing.
    you know, this conversation thread is much like the adopted families went through in the 50's - to tell or not tell. now pretty much adopted kids know, wether they find their birth parents or not is the evolution of the conversation. (i love the 'natural child grows in my belly, adopted child grows in my heart' description to a child)
    since IVF is such a concious way to conceive, wouldnt it make sense to aim for full disclosure, at least to the child? so you can have an honest relationship. and tell them what lengths we went to because we wanted to welcome them here so much.
    i understand withholding from (and protecting yourself and your child from) extended family, judgement from other parents, etc who havent travelled the IVF journeys where you find yourself doing things you never thought you would do!
    but i had to put out my own story, because it convinced me that, even those that were donors, do leave characteristics that need avenues to pursue. (eg - a love of astronomy? tennis? classical music or what have you)
    IVF is so new that we havent seen too many adult opinions of IVF conceived people, but im certain this will be a big issue in 20 years. i heard a radio interview and i beleive there is a 'rights for reproductive offspring' type group already.
    as IVF becomes more mainstream, maybe the openness will as well.

    i agree that waiting and telling the child when they are an adult is too late, that years of resentment can erupt as it would explain lots of underground emotions. so i would give my child the gift of developmentally appropriate sharing, that they know they were loved and wanted, and that they will have some differences to allow and work through. that seems most loving to me.

    not an easy topic, but there to consider. im glad i know my dads life story (not that it was all pretty). it gives me context, continuity, a fuller picture of my roots (and explains why i am not like my moms high school sweetheart she remarried 40 years after their fist date - but that's another love story!)
    (and i tell DD everything, i dont worry what she tells others too much. so far, she can handle almost everything intelligently, shes 5)

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