Question for those planning to disclose....

(30 posts)(29 voices)
  1. What extent do you plan on disclosing?

  2. I'm not really sure. We want to tell E right from the beginning--I'm thinking that will mean everyone will know. Kids tend to tell all, yk? Most people know, except aunts/uncles, but now that E is 17 months and we have another baby (naturally, go figure!) everyone has forgotten. They are constantly comparing both our girls and talking about how each one looks a little like each of us. D'uh. It's kind of tough right now, but we'll see what happens. I used to want to be completely open and tell everyone, but more and more, I see it as our business, E's business, no one elses. But that is just right now. Who knows how I'll feel in a few years.

  3. I'm not even pg, yet; hopefully doing a cycle this fall/winter.

    So far, my plan is that if someone asks, I won't lie, but I'm not going to shout it from the rooftops. I'm taking a very "wait and see" attitude about this.

    My family already knows and so do a few friends (and most of the internet). I'm keeping this cycle on the down low, not because of DE, but because I'm just really tired of talking about it.

  4. We'll tell our daughter. Our family along with close friends already know. We adopted our DS and he knows about his BM. When someone says 'how lucky you are to be having a baby', I just smile and say 'yes we are'. No need to offer any more information than necessary.

    Laura 29w4d

  5. I'm pregnant and we're planning to tell our child. We've told 4 close friends who are good at keeping confidentiality but have not told anyone else and don't plan to. I'm not sure how it'll work since our child will probably tell people but we figure that it's his/her information and want him or her to get to choose what to do with it.

  6. We also told our ped - critical when they are looking at health issues that could be genetic since I "don't count" when it comes to those things. I do love it though when total strangers tell me how much dd looks like me - if they only knew!

    Sara

  7. We plan to tell our child when the time will come. Of course he will probably disclose this information to a lot of people but its his right to do so. ( Anyway im pretty sure a lot of people wont even understand what hes talking about or wont pay attention). My father, step-mother and 2 friends already know. As for other family members, well see.

    CA 34w3d (writting this i still cant believe theres only 5w to go)

  8. We have twin girls as a result of DE. We've told all of our immediate family (parents, sibs) and some close friends. We'll tell the girls as they grow up and leave it up to them who else to share with. I'm sure it will not be a secret to anyone by the time they're 5.

  9. We are 39 weeks, 6 days pg with a boy from DE (yes, i am getting those phone calls saying "are you still around?"). we have told most or maybe all of our close friends and two of my siblings. our teenage son was involved in donor selection (not too much, but he is pleased that she looks like Alyson Hannigan from Buffy). we haven't told anyone else, but plan to (but when exactly is the moment right?). we will begin telling the child as soon as he has some understanding. i'm not a big fan of "it's his story to tell" because kids will tell at ages like 4 with absolutely no understanding of the implications. so i figure its our story to tell.

    pilma

  10. I chose "other".
    We plan to tell the children (twin girls) in stages and language they'll understand. We've already told selected, trusted family and friend, but not others. There will be a few more we'll tell after the girls are born, but most will not know. Not because it's anything we're ashamed of, but because it's private.

    Oh, and we'll probably tell the pediatrician, too.

  11. other...we dont plan to tell anyone except my mom and dad who already know..I feel I am the mother, he is growing inside me now, my donor was just a donor thats it...no need for my little boy to know..I am his mother..period...if something medical comes up in the future the donor is willing to be contacted but we will cross that bridge when it comes..why tell my child that another woman donated her egg for me? i dont get it..but those are my and my dh's decision...

  12. Other: at this point no one knows.

    We will probably tell the child at some point (though we may not), but it is impossible to say since we are not even pregnant yet. We feel it is private and want to be sure the child has fully bonded with extended family before disclosing. (My DH's family may not understand since male line inheritance is very important in his culture. They do not even know about the IVF.)

    I have learned that this decision is very personal, and even though I also asked others what they did, ultimately each couple has to assess their own unique situation and make a decision that works for them. Not an easy one by any stretch!

  13. My husband and I are trying our first IVF now. We've had 4 failed IUI's with DS. This is a tricky subject. We're not sure how to deal with it to no one knows about the DS. I'd like to tell my sister, but this is my husband's choice and he doesn't want anyone to know. His mom is older and coservative, he doesn't think she'd understand or approve. When it's DS, it's so tough because your husband is going through something private and challenging that you can't help with. Our first pregnancy tests came back possitive last week. He's excited, but you can tell, he's kind of sad too. We're waiting for our ultrasound this week. I'm very nervous and anxious. It's so scarry, we don't want to tell anyone until it's safe.

  14. For those planning not to tell, my counselor suggested that such women should consider assimilating their donor's medical history as their own (at least the history that was disclosed). So for example, my donor's grandfather (now deceased) had a blood issue, so I would tell pediatricians that my grandfather had this issue. I am generally not too concerned about this since my family was pretty secretive/ignorant about their medical issues, so it's not as if I would have much history to share in any event.

    As PPs mentioned, the disclosure issue is very complicated and very personal. Wishing everyone the best.

  15. I haven't even done my first IVF. (2 more months) I am leaning towards using donor eggs because I want it to work the first time and have money left to spend on the baby. I know without a doubt I will not tell anyone. I would be the biological mother even though I wouldn't be the genetic mother. The baby would come from my body so there is no need for the child to suffer any confusion over the donation of a "cell". (not to minimize the magnitude of that gift by any means..but it was a gift...mine now)The donor egg route is hard enough to bear...i just want "my baby" and go on with it. Other than health history, why do they need to know? I like the idea of disclosing the donors health history through myself. It is so interesting to read the varying opinions..this is just my humble one

  16. Even if I thought it was right to hide the truth from a child (which I don't) I believe it is going to be virtually impossible to hide genetic connectedness/differences by the time our children grow up (or are even growing up). All a kid has to do is send off a DNA sample to an online genealogy site to know that they are not the same genetic make up as their mother. And genealogy websites are incredibly popular now with DNA testing still in its early stages. ALL the evidence from donor conceived children suggests that not telling children, and having them find out later in life , is extremely damaging for the child. there's more about this at the donor conception network - which is a group advocating for openness among DC children and parents. donor-conception-network.org

    (As for the extent of my disclosure. I have told most people - apart from some people at work for cultural reasons. they will probably know eventually. all my family and friends know. what i've found is that it is very uncomfortable being around people who DON'T know. I find the secret a burden. my girls - conceived with my eggs with donor sperm - will grow up knowing - they are still infants but I tell them even now as I grope around practising the words).

  17. We are in the tell camp.

    We have a 3 year old through DS and he already knows, we have a childrens book and we talk about it, not all the time, but it's the "CHILDS" story. We decided to bring him into this world to parent and how would he ever trust us as parents if we kept this from him. I feel its the same with adoption, people adopting and pretending they birthed the child. every child has a right to know their full story. Yes, this is just my opinion, but imagine if you were that child. Plus they will find out, that's guarenteed, and imagine that converstation when they are 16 finding out and never knowing, if you make it part of their story from the beginning, they don't think any thing of it and it's just who they are. trust me I know.

  18. Hi
    We are in the "tell camp" as well. But, I must admit I am alittle nervous about it. My daughter is 2 1/2 and I do have one book that I have tried to read to her but she lost interest rather quickly. Any advice on books?

    thanks

    alismit8

  19. Some friends and family already know but I'm not sure how we'll explain it to DS when he's older (he's 15 mos now). I think a gradual introduction to the concept of fertility treatments - lots more doctors and "others" helped - might work but who knows. I want him to know all about it but I don't want it to hurt him...I'm scared he'll tell everyone in kindergarten and they'll make fun of him. I just want to protect him.

  20. O my gosh!

    I have the same Kindergarten fears. I am nervous that my daughter will run around telling everyone and people wont understand. I guess I just want to protect her and me as well. I mean DE was the best thing we ever did but still a sensitive topic for me.

    alismit8

  21. Quote:
    Even if I thought it was right to hide the truth from a child (which I don't) I believe it is going to be virtually impossible to hide genetic connectedness/differences by the time our children grow up (or are even growing up). All a kid has to do is send off a DNA sample to an online genealogy site to know that they are not the same genetic make up as their mother. And genealogy websites are incredibly popular now with DNA testing still in its early stages. ALL the evidence from donor conceived children suggests that not telling children, and having them find out later in life , is extremely damaging for the child. there's more about this at the donor conception network - which is a group advocating for openness among DC children and parents. donor-conception-network.org

    I completely agree. I think it's very important to listen to what adults who were conceived using donors of any kind have to say.

    we are planning fet with donor embryos (from a known couple) this fall. we are telling some very immediate family based on their closeness to us and our knowledge of their acceptance level of ART. We will absolutely tell everything to the child(ren) and expect some contact between them and their genetic family. However, I will not be telling friends and extended family. I find the details are honestly too much for some people to understand, and having an extensive conversation about the entire concept is more than I want to deal with on a regular basis. This doesn't mean I'm hiding it or that I'll tell my child to hide it, if it comes up eventually, fine, but I'm not advertising it to people who don't need to know.

  22. Hello- I have my DS from donor sperm and two DD's from a previous marriage. I do not plan on telling anyone that he was "donor" baby. Only me and my husband will know. I don't want him feeling he is "seperate" from my other two kids and we both feel he is our son and it does not matter that he is not biologically tied to his dad. I keep all the records of course for health reasons but I just think that my outside family is very judgemental and I don't want him to be treated any different...

    Sam

  23. I know this discussion is old, but this very topic has been on my mind recently as we may be going down the DS route soon. My feeling as of now is that if someone could promise me that (1) the child would never find out and (2) the child's health would never be compromised, I wouldn't tell a soul.
    But ultimately, no one can make that guarantee, and I think it would be very traumatic as a child to find out later in life that your parents had lied to you about something so integral and personal. So I think we would tell the child. There would never be a big "reveal" - we would just talk about it in age-appropriate concepts and answer questions as they came up.
    And because we would tell the child, we would have to tell certain close family members, so that it wouldn't come as a surprise if the child started asking questions. Beyond that, I would let the child decide who to tell.

  24. we are 7 weeks pregnant with DE. Pretty much everyone knows and it hasn't been me telling everytime. LOL We have a 7 year old dd who likes to tell people she is mommies one good egg. We have sat her down and explained to her that mommys body broke and so a very loving kind lady is giving us her egg so we can have another baby but the baby will grow in mommys tummy and mommy will give birth to her and nurse her and she will be our child and she seems to understand as much as a 7 year old can understand something this complicated. The one thing that makes me laugh is that my child knows where babys come from. The doctors office! At the age when kids are asking those sticky questions about sex my child just thinks all babys come from the doctors. We felt when we made the choice to do DE that it was important that neither of us have any reservations about people knowing because our daughter knew and we didn't want to ask her to keep this huge secret that is to much for a child to handle. Its such a personal choice and I have nothing but respect for everyone regaurdless of their choice. My only thing is and I never hold this back those in the don't tell camp PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell your childs doctor. Your childs health is so important and the doctor isn't going to judge or tell anyone.

  25. I personally would not tell anyone and it would be between my DH and myself. My main concern is that the child would be treated differently with family since my family is very gossipy, old-fashion and judgemental. My opinion is that protect the child so that feel secure and don't have identity issues.

    Although kids probably can find out their DNA- how common is it for them to test themselves on-line?? I don't think that is a common ponderance of teenagers or adults to do their own DNA testing!

    I don't think a child would think that unless they suspected something or someone told them. If you don't tell anyone - then don't take the risk child finding out.. As far as the pediatrician goes, I'm in the medical field and understand what's involved in well-child visits and provided there is no serious medical condition like leukemia or other cancer- there is no reason to disclose DE status. Now I would if necessary but in most situations you already know basic family history which is what most people only know anyway and can relay that as you own as suggested earlier.

    Honestly, would be better for me personally to tell my child so I don't have to carry around "secret" but I think better for the child not to know.

    My DH and I feel the same way so that's how we'll handle it if we go that route.

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