Nonexistent Sex Life -- Don\'t know what to do

(7 posts)(6 voices)
  1. DH and I have been in and around the World of IVF for many years now. DD, who is 4, is an IVF baby, as is DS, who is 2 (FET cycle).

    Suffice it to say, we are tired much of the time. We are 100 percent grateful for our IVF successes and count our blessings. We both work, full-time. And we have great childcare.

    We had lots and lots and lots of sex while TTC #1. Before TTC, we had a reasonable sex life, but nothing out of the ordinary. Some time after DD was born (in 2005), we had sex once. We have not done so since. For me, it's a combination of incredible fatigue, not feeling at all desirable, and probably some part is attributable to my being on antidepressants (which are known to depress libido).

    I just don't know what to do. Is this common? Sound familiar to anyone?

  2. Are you saying you have not have sex in 4 years?

  3. If that is the case, perhaps sex counseling would help to re-ignite the flame. Good luck!

  4. I can relate. Same thing here. Twins are 22 months and I have ZERO sex life. I swear it was all of the trying for them. Now I feel the same as you do. I still lay there once in a while but am TOTALLY 100000% not into it. PM me if you want to talk. I don't know what to do!

  5. Do you ladies want to come over for a margarita fueled hot tub party? It isn't healthy to go so long without a little affection. Let me know.



  6. my take - you are tired - 2 kids under 5, both working full time, no wonder.
    that and ivf can mix sex all up

    try reading 'just do it' - about parents trying to ignite the flame (and do it for 100 days straight).
    passionate marriage is another therapy heavy book - its ok

    we have almost 5 year old dd, trying 3rd isci cycle now.
    sex is better than ever in our 20 yr history. that said, we have gone long stages without or with little or with boring sex. times i worried about him drifting away but i decided that trying to keep the flames and furnace of our rel'p alive were critical to our marital success...

    it takes time, energy to keep it going.
    can you work part time and keep the homefires burning better? 2 and 4 yr olds is alot, no wonder you are tired, but you have to decide to put energy into igniting this part, if you are ready. it took us until dd was 3+ for our sex lives to sparkle again.

    also - we wrote lists of what we would like in bed and read them to each other. that helped alot.

    also - not to scare you, but to illustrate how important this is, and not to let it become normal for numerous years - my moms friend never had sex with her dh after child #3. they divorced as soon as the kids were done school. sex is the glue, the furnace, we all need intimacy...and can withstand droughts, but not as a lifestyle. with little kids, all my friends have trouble in the sex department. as they get older, it crops up on the 'todo list' as more important to be with our spouses. makes sense, those little ones command our attention for good reason. as they get older, its time for some sleepovers and dates again!

  7. Here has been my experience.....

    You mentioned that you are on some anti-depressants, which can be known to lower libido. This is absoultely true. Both my DH and I suffer from mental struggles. (I am BiPolar 1 with OCD and he has Anger Management Control issues.) Since we both take anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications, both of our libidos suffer tremendously. Before children (and before meds), we had an incredible sex life. However, we have not have had sex in over a year. I am currently pg (from a FET) & we do have 2 young children (2 & 7yrs- both from IVF) which also inhibit. We both see the same phych for med management, and since discontinue of our meds is currently absolutely out of the question, our doc has recommended that even if we do not have the desire to be physically intimate, we can still be emotially intimate with each other. (She has explained to us that "forcing" sex when neither of us wants it can actually be worse for our relationship because it will cause feelings of obligation and eventual resentment. There won't be any intimate connection if there is no desire, which mostly makes sense to me). She recommended a weekly "date night".... not necessarily going out anywhere, but after the kids are in bed and chores are done (MAKE TIME!) to sit down and talk openly and honestly with each other. Sometimes we forget that some of our best, most passionate and intimate times were when we were dating, BEFORE the sex started. Is that something you can try? I can honestly say that my DH is my best friend and I can now tell him anything... I have faith that at some point we will rekindle the physical, either with new psych meds that don't affect libido, or with the ability to stop taking them at some point in time.

    Don\'t think any less of me now either, but if you're up for it and you WANT to try to ingnite that physical flame now, there is a WHOLE WORLD of "help" out there. There really isn't as much stigma attached to it as there used to be. Sex is a natural and wonderful part of life, and the public is starting to realize it. Consider a "Passion Party" ( You can host a home party with friends, or order online discreetly and privately. They have a whole line of products to help ignite that flame!

    Just know that you are not alone in this struggle. I have a good friend who is happily married for 9 years and she and her DH have only had sex once since her DD was born 6 years ago. (They both also take meds.) I hope things work out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Hope any of this helps.

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