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(12 posts)(3 voices)
  1. Hello all,
    I am new to here, I found it on another site (resolve) My husband and I got the deverstating news that we can not a child with his sperm. He does not have nay. We have no idea why. He had the teestes surgey (sp) and the results were 0. So now we are looking into donor sperm. I am 38 years old he is 35 so we don't have a wholoe lot of time to decide. We started seeing a infertility therapist who is trying to help my husband get to place I already am. I was wondering a few things:
    -How long did it take you to decide to used donor sperm?
    -Did you disclose? My husband does not want to to anyone. (He has a child thankfully from his first wife) So the idea thath she would know (only 6) and then tell everyone else-does not give good feelings.
    -Anyone from around the RI area? Our therapist suggested we talk in person with people who used donor sperm and get their experiences. There doesn't seem to be a lot of groups on SE I have found a lot more with DE.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated

  2. Hey- well we tried donor sperm- and it didn't work for us- doesn't mean it won't for you either- but at the age of 38 you are working on a very limited clock. Have you had all your testing done??? such as AMH_ anti muellerian hormone- tells you what your ovarian reserve is. Because IVF is so expensive you want to have the BEST indicator of your success with donor sperm.

    We chose to do donor sperm last cycle b/c, i have a low AMH at the age of 34, meaning not alot of eggs left and questionable egg quality, my amh was 0.5, NOT GOOD, anything under 1.0 isn't good. We also have severe male factor infertility. We only ended up with 3 mature eggs- and it just made sense to try donor sperm with them to SEE if my embryo"s looked any better- they didn't, they were worse and it was BFN.

    Embryo quality is 90% due to the egg and 10% due to the sperm- so even if you get perfect young sperm - you may still not have success. I just don't want you to think that donor sperm equals happy ending. It doesn't.

    I would think b/c your dh has a child that is his genetically that u using donor sperm wouldnt' be a huge deal- we have a son from our very first iVF- so that made it much easier for my dh to handle.
    NOW we are at the decision of using donor egg- b/c obviously mine are ****, AGAIn at the age of 34, with previous successful pg at age of 30 using IVF.

    I think it is important to think and consider all of your options- research donor sperm- look at some of the websites, I used fairfax cryobank- you can sign in and review profiles, and at california cryobank you can even see pics for free.

    Also- make sure you have a THOROUGH history and labs on yourself, that you are at a GOOD fertility clinic with high success in YOUR age category- you can find this at

    Very important info to know. You should have an amh level done to see where you are sitting with egg reserve.

    There are other options out there, such as embryo adoption. Would your dh feel better if neither of you had a genetic link- or is it absolutely important to you to have a genetic link, or is it more important to have a child.

    To me making the jump to donor sperm wasn't hard- it was the DEVISTATION knowing I couldn't have my own child from my own egg that knocked me off of my feet. But i am over it now, and i want a child more than anything- so it is either donor egg or donor embryo.

    If we do donor egg we will plan to use hubby"s sperm, but will also have back donor sperm and if we have a baby that is neither of ours genetically it will be okay- b/c i know that love comes not from genetics but from the heart.

  3. Oh- a good place to look might be in the pg by donor egg/embryo/ sperm those women will probably have a better "feel" for how it feels after the fact vs someone like me who is still wading through the mess of it.

    I think that donor sperm isn't a big deal these days- i know it isn't what you had planned- none of this is what we plan for ourselves- but in the end you have to figure out what is more important to you- and sometimes it is as simple as having a child or not having a child- and THEN you have to figure out HOW you are going to do it. There are many ways to have a family- and having SEX is the old fashioned way these days.

  4. I know we have a biiig road ahead of us. More like a mountain- I have read so many discouraging IVF posts. that I am getting more and more frantic. Thanks for the info. If we decide to go this route. I have some questions I can ask. never thought it would be like this .....

  5. Diane- my advice is just to move as quickly as u can reguarding testing and getting started- don't even consider donor sperm iui. Push your doc to get u going with your own eggs if that's what u want- again make sure your clinic has good stats for your age.

  6. My RE already told me if we do donor sperm we will be doing IVF. Because of my age and other factors. But still a big IF because husband can't decide

  7. personally- i don't think the decision should be weighted very heavily in his corner- he has a biological child from a previous marriage- if you want a baby- then he really should grant you that wish- and let you do whatever necessary- but that is my opinion.

    Yes- i know they have ego involved- but- too bad- he has had the opportunity to be a parent- and from what i have gathered you haven't.

  8. Hi Diane,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. My DH and I found out about 9 months ago through the same avenue as you that we can't have our own children. My DH also has 0 sperm. I am 30 and he is 36. They also had no idea why. It took about four months for my DH to become okay with using DS. He started talking to a psychologist who put things into more prespective for him. Fortunately, after a few months he decided that he would rather us have a child that had at least some of my DNA then neither of ours and that he would never want to be the one to tell me I couldn't have my own child. Since he knew how hard that was for him to deal with. He's a good one.

    Be patient would be my advice. I know it is so hard and every time my DH would come home from an appointment I would ask him if he was ready yet. It was a little stressful and hard time for the two of us. It's really good that he is talking to someone. There's something more impactful about a stranger telling you that it will feel like your child then when your wife does it apparently.

    We also decided to go right to IVF simply because of the higher chances for success and not wanting to continue to put ourselves through IUI over and over.

    We just finished our first cycle and while it ended in a chemical pregnancy our embryos were great so we are starting a FET now (so stay + because you may still have great eggs and donor sperm should give you good embryos) Even though our cycle didn't end well the one huge thing that came out of it was that my DH is truly on board now and I feel like he wants that baby just as much as I do (I didn't think he did when we started.)

    Anyway, sorry this is so long but I wanted you to know that your DH can come to terms with things and I know its tough to be in limbo while you wait for him to make a decision but it is so much better when he is on board.

    We told our very close family and friends. Basically my parents, his parents and our best friends. We have decided to tell our child though so at some point I am sure we will tell others assuming we are successful.

    We live in PA but if you want to continue to talk or private message me I would be happy to chat. Best of luck with everything.


  9. Heather,
    thanks so much for your reply. It was nice to see someone say relax and stay positive. I have been getting so stressed because of my age and I know it will be hard but my therapist said a few months will not make a difference. I am pretty sure he is going to say yes to donor sperm but he gets so hung up on the negatives that sometimes I have to remind him their may be a positive soon (we hope). We are going to a conference in Mass. that has a topic on donor sperm through Resolve. It has lots of other themes but that is the one we are really going for. I feel that most of the info here on resolve is for donor egg so it is very hard to find info that relates to us.
    I wish (I pray) this did not happen to us but it did -we are so close and so in love that we truly wanted to make our own baby-which crushed him and me -I love that he is thinking of doing this for me. Soon I hope I will have an answer.

  10. Hey Diane,

    I just wanted to check in and see how DH was coming along? How was the conference in Boston? Was it helpful? Hope you are well.


  11. Hi Heather,
    So after much discussion and tears...My Dh has ageed to donor sperm. It is still now 100% but our therapist says it does not have to be. As long as you can see a pregnancy without thinking it isn't yours biologically.

    So now I made an appointment with my RE for Dec 9th. It seems like forever. I am 39 so I am not even sure I can do this with my eggs so we have to have a real talk about that. If that is the case we will move to donated embryos. So that is where we stand. I feel I am still standing in place. I just want to start the process.

    Thanks for writing

  12. Hi Diane- I am really glad that DH has become okay with using DS. I'm sorry that it had to work out that way for you both but once there is a baby in your lives I am sure it won't matter how it got there. December 9th will be here before you know it. Good luck with your consultation and let me know how it goes.

    Well, I have my beta on Wednesday for our FET cycle that we just completed but right now I am feeling pretty good about it. I have been testing + on HPT since 5dp6dt. As of the morning my line was as dark as the control line(nothing like last cycle). I am just praying for a good beta and something to be really thankful for this week.

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