Need help moving on (warning: upsetting story ahead)

(10 posts)(6 voices)
  1. Hi everyone,

    I've been reading your posts here for a while, and they were such a source of help to me leading up to my s/r. I was pregnant with twins, and knew from the moment I found out about them that I couldn't handle it--carrying them, raising them...it was all so overwhelming. My husband supported my decision completely, and the only other person we told was my mother. And really, when we went in for the procedure, I was at peace with the decision. We did a CVS, determined one baby was normal, and planned to reduce the other.

    Because of scheduling and other issues, a different doctor did the s/r from the one who did the CVS. When we got into the office for the procedure, the sonographer doing the u/s looked at me and said "We're reducing the one on the right, yes?" I really thought that was wrong--they had put the needle in on the right for the CVS--and I said, "Wait, no, I don't think so...But don't you know by my chart?" Then, she got huffy with me and honestly, I don't remember what she said next because I got so upset. Then, the doctor came into the room and I told him that i was concerned because I thought the CVS was done on the one on the right and he said, "Well, I can't explain that. We're reading the scans." He was really defensive about it. My husband asked if maybe he meant the fetus on the right on the screen vs. on my right, and that just made the doctor get more defensive and even threatening. He was like, "Y'know, we don't have to do this right now if you don't think we're doing our jobs correctly." At no point, did he take us seriously or reassure me in a calm way. It was awful.

    But, we went ahead and let him do the procedure because like he said, he was the doctor and it's his job to know what's what. I was already lying on the table with my stomach exposed. We both wanted it to all be over so we could finally get excited about this pregnancy. I thought maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me about whether it was the right or the left and figured there was no way I could know more than the professionals in the room.

    Afterwards, the genetic counselor had told us we could find out the gender if wanted and so we did. The doctor said, "It was, I mean is, a female."

    I went home and rested as they instructed me to, but couldn't shake the feeling that something went wrong. So, after a couple of days, I called the genetic counselor, told her what happened and asked her to check that they didn't make a mistake. She told me that they do this all the time and it's highly unlikely they did. A week went by, and I didn't hear anything. So, I called again. Ten days after my procedure, the doctor who did my CVS called me personally to tell me--they did make a mistake. After I'd gone through all of this, they reduced my healthy baby girl.

    I'm sorry this became so long. I haven't been able to tell the story to anyone from start to finish and the only people I can even talk to are my husband and mother (both of whom have been amazing). But now I can't move on. I was okay with doing this when I didn't know anything about the fetus I was reducing. But now, I had 10 days to sit with the idea of "her." And now, even though I traveled to have a CVS and missed work for all of this, I don't know if the baby I'm having is going to be okay. I know that's what anyone else at this stage in a pregnancy would be feeling (I'm 14 weeks), but I just feel like after all of this...it's all so hard to take.

    Did any of you grieve after your s/r? I didn't expect to need to ask this, but do you have any advice about how to move on? Right now, I just feel so awful. I alternate between feeling sad about the daughter I would have had, to feeling so angry and betrayed by the doctors, to--at my worst moments--blaming myself for letting that monster do the procedure when I had an instinct telling me it was wrong.

    Thank you all so much for listening.

    tasnimerob

  2. Hi - I have no direct experience with SR, however I did consider it when I was originally pregnant with triplets (lost one at 8 1/2 weeks). Anyway, you have every right to feel whatever you feel. It is perfectly normal to want to grieve. I can't even imagine what you are going through. It just doesn't seem fair that as IF women, we are even faced with such decisions.

    I have a question - did they do a CVS on both or just one? I pray that your baby is healthy and perfect. As for the doctor and staff - I would contact a lawyer ASAP. This is not the kind of procedure that they can just make a mistake and get away with it. How dare they treat you like that!!

    You are very fortunate to have a supportive DH and mother. Lean on them...they are there for you.

    I hope you can heal emotionally and begin to enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy and that you go on to have a happy, healthy and wonderfully perfect baby.

    Best of luck to you.

  3. tasnimerob - what happened to you is horrifying and I am outraged on your behalf. I would contact a lawyer - as well as whichever medical board overseas the doctor and office - ASAP and register a formal complaint at a minimum. I am not litigious by nature but this is simply unacceptable - every part of your experience is wrong and NOT how a professional skilled at S/R (or his office) should conduct himself. For example, I cannot BELIEVE the sonographer asked YOU whether you were reducing the one on the right. That is absolutely ridiculous - your right? Their right? The right on the hard copy of the scan? On the screen? I mean, WTF, how are you supposed to be certain when you are not a trained professional? It is wholly inappropriate for them to ask you this - please, PLEASE try not to blame yourself.

    The doctor admitted the error to you, and this is an absolutely egregious mistake. Yes, I know in theory this can happen, but I believe among the drs who do this procedure often and are skilled at it, it is very rare. I also think that the conduct in his office evidences that they did not know what they were doing and IMO disciplinary action (at a minimum!) needs to be taken. I think you should also post here the name of the dr. so that women doing research into this procedure will have all the facts.

    Since you did not do CVS on both, there is a good chance that the other is fine. I guess you have to hold on to that, since I am sure you won't want to do amnio after all of this. But I am also very confused as to why this dr. didn't advise you to test both - that seems wrong to me too (unless he was not able to based on positioning, etc).

    As for my experience, I had CVS done on twins and determined that 1 was healthy but the other had down's and I reduced that fetus. I went to one of the top drs in the nation (Stone), and had her do both procedures, and still, until I got the final confirmation that the reduced twin did, in fact, have down's, I lived in absolute fear that either the wrong one was reduced, or that the CVS was incorrect and that the reduced fetus was actually healthy. I cannot imagine how much pain you are in, and my heart goes out to you.

    In answer to your actual question, yes, I did and still do grieve. I think about the fact that DD would have had a sibling, and although I do think the decision was the right one for me based on the medical condition involved, I am still very, very sad about it. It's hard enough just seeing siblings; seeing twins or hearing people talk about them especially hurts, and seeing a child with down's is also hard. I don't think you "move on", you just trudge forward, and with time, the pain becomes less and less or at least more manageable.

    ~bornat

  4. tasnimerob,
    I am so sorry you are going through this on top of everything else.
    Yes, it is OK to grieve after s/r. I grieved before, during, and after. I saw the therapist at my clinic both before and after the reduction because of the feelings I had about it. When a woman has been through as much as most of us here have just to attain pregnancy, going through s/r is not something anyone wanted.
    It helped me a lot to honor our reduced babies in the memorial service that we had for our son. It gave me some closure. We put all of the ultrasound images of the twins in a box, and buried it under the hydrangea bush that we planted for all three babies. By the time I lost my son (11 weeks after s/r), I felt like I was done grieving over the twins but I still get tugs at my heart whenever I see ID twins out and about.

  5. OMG, that is terrible!! cyber hugs to you! i cried reading this, imagining your pain. how could they dismiss you gut and intelligence & then after the fact step up, like that is going to make it ok? you didnt want to know about the reduced baby and that makes it 10x's hareder for you, if not more. so sorry, those jerks

    take heart that most likely your other baby will also be completely healthy, and who knows, could be your little girl to!

    me personally am going thru this horror right now, but i'm early..just over 6wks. i know if both do stay around, which i pray every day, every second, that God, will just take away one, so i don't have to do this, it is killing me, but i know in every single way, having a demanding dd already, a not super secure at the moment marriage, an older sick husband, not so good finances, previous losses, fear, my mental state of mind, just says i cannot handle twins. we played it safe, trusted our dr that we had 1 good egg, and BOOM, so i feel bambuzzled as well. we wanted a baby, but two just i can't begin to even imagine any of it, the pregnancy. the birth, the beyond..i know we'd be divorced, and if something happened to hubby?

    soo hard to make such a choice to start with, having it go wrong like this i can only imagine. you are in my thoughts and prayers! shelly

    ps- i agree on the lawyer subject. don't let him get away with this!!

  6. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree, sue the pants off them!

    Also, I have a question for anyone that would know. Why did they do CVS with only one baby? Why didn't they do the both? Reason why I am asking is, what if the one the did the cvs wasn't normal, then the person would have to go back through the whole thing and have the CVS done again on the other baby. Is this commonly done this way? Does anyone know?

  7. snow white, very good question. maybe she wanted it only done on the one, or perhaps that is how this person may do it?? but ME, i'm insisting it is done on both, so i can make the clearest and BEST decision possible based on all of the information. i couldn't know just one and not other other, or other(s).

    maybe it's just a personal choice, idk, but my heart goes out to you, tasnimerob, and i hope you sue and get the compensation you deserve. i have many regrets in life of being too nice and letting things go., where people were at blame, do not let that happen to you..PLEASE!

    shelly

  8. hi everyone,

    thank you so much for your comments and your understanding. dh and i have talked about what we can do legally. i'm just trying so hard to move on and be happy about this pregnancy--a big part of me is afraid to have to get into it and deal with legal stuff on top of everything else.

    for those of you asking about why we did the cvs on only one: the doctors recommended this because they said there is less of a risk of infection if there are fewer needles involved. if they had discovered the one they tested was abnormal, we would have reduced that one and tested the other. if they discovered it was normal (as they did), the plan was to reduce the other. it all made sense to me at the time...

    i'm not sure i feel comfortable yet posting the doctor's name here since i've tried to keep all of this so private, even from my closest friends. however, i really don't want anyone else to go to this monster. if anyone is considering seeing a doctor in nyc, please feel free to pm me and i'll send the name. or, bornat, if you're just curious, i can share.

    the story about the doctor does get a little worse. we went back for our follow-up u/s and to see the doctor i was planning to see for the rest of the pregnancy. i had asked the genetic counselor to make sure the sonographer and doctor who did the procedure were nowhere near me, and she said she'd take care of it. when we got to the appointment i found out that the doctor was actually the attending dr. for u/s's that day. so, i started crying (something i haven't been able to control much lately). they moved my room and told me the dr. i was seeing that day would definitely be the one to come in, not the one i didn't want to see.

    then, i'm lying there getting my u/s, and the monster comes into the room. i told him it wasn't the time to talk and he started saying, "no, i think you really need to hear what happened. first of all, it wasn't the sonographer's fault. it was my fault..." which just made me more upset. i was totally shaking and crying and just kept repeating "please go away" and dh said "you need to leave." or something. so the dr. asked to talk to dh outside. it was just such an abuse of power. he knew i had asked not to see him. plus, that u/s could have been a nice moment in the midst of all of this because we saw our baby, heart beating, jumping a little bit...

    when dh came back he seemed shaken, but said that he'd tell me about what the dr. said when i was ready. we talked about it a little last night and apparently the dr. said that he was "in a bad mood that day" as though that's an excuse for treating me with zero respect. and then, he went on to explain that the cvs u/s was labeled differently from how they usually do it since i went to a different site. again, that's not an explanation! they had told me to do that. so i think i've entered the anger stage of grief, if it works like that.

    i just keep praying that my baby is healthy....

    and yes, i am trying to find a new doctor now so i don't have to go back to that office at all.

    once again, thanks for letting me share all this here.

    -tasnimerob

  9. tasnimerob..what a nightmare. when will it get easier on you? so glad you saw your beautiful bean, but so sorry the way it went down.

    bad mood, OMG... he's basically a surgeon, you can't let bad moods, get in the way of your job, or simply don't come into work..lives are in his hands quite litterally, grr... he makes me so mad. just to make sure he didn't do this again i'd go through with a suit. God knows how many others he has botched along the way *sigh*. courts would NOT be very empathetic to his bad day, vs your baby trust me. the whole thing is emotional enough, now he's left you traumatized!

    i totally understand wanting to stay away from the limelight of a court case, i would THINK it would be handled discreetly based on his own profession, and i doubt he'd want to be tossed into the public eye so harshly but of course there are no garuntees in this. it would take a bold choice for you guys to go forward. i hope God leads you in the best possible direction for you. you need closure eigther way you slice it.

    i\'ve backed down in situations out of fear, and though in the long run, years later i regretted it, that is cause the fear of the moment is no longer with you, so in hindsight, it always appears as though it should have been easier then it actually was, to make such a choice, like you should have, and if only.

    don't torture yourself. you did everything right here! i'm sure your lil bean will be fine, and healthy. good luck to you, and when you write about the cvs that way, it makes sense to me to, lol. i'm petrified of the needles & pain but i think i'll go for the two anyhow, just because if i know one is not healthy, it would be so much easier. but at least in your case, you could have always said, welp one may have or may not have been, without KNOWING both were healthy, my GOD is this a double edged sword. there is just no perfect way it can turn out. idk, i can't think too much or i'll go crazy but please, rest, enjoy your pregnancy, know your bean will 99% for sure healthy, and get this monster out of your head for a little while. you have time, your choice on the matter legally, doesn't need to be made right now, and may become clearer with a little time in the interum.

    i can't say im not curious to know who this guy is to make sure we do not cross paths since i'll also be going to NYC, but respect your right to privacy in the matter as well. maybe when i KNOW who is doing it, though im trying to get stone, i'll ask you via pm and you can let me know..good or no good.

    good luck honey. you will get through this. you are so strong!

    shelly

  10. tasnimerob - I sent you a PM.

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