Need feedback about DE. . . please

(9 posts)(7 voices)
  • Started by ronald_ddungu ago.
  • Latest reply from athaneducator.
  1. Hi there. I am 39 with endometriosis and "hydro" tubes. My DH is 35 and everything is fine with him. We just had our third failed IVF attempt with my eggs. My hydro's were never surgically delt with because I had already had abdominal surgery and they did not want to risk opening me up again though we have recently discovered that they can block the hydro's by going up through your uterus.

    Long story short, I'm not exactly sure why the last attempts failed (my egg count got lower and lower and my FSH was as 12 on this last failed attempt). Basically, was it my eggs are just not good anymore, or is it the hydro tubes? I'm not exactly sure what the problem is but my DR is saying that (given the cost and my FSH of 12) the next step that makes the most sense for us is DE. I am really struggling with the loss of having my own bio child and and wondering if others have any insight on making this jump. I'm afraid that the baby might seem more like it is my husbands, or that others may find out and make hurtful comments about it. Will I be able to see a picture of the egg donor? ect.

    Sorry this is such a long many faceted email. I just have so many issues and am not sure what to do or how to feel.

    Thanks so much for any input you have.

  2. hi Pecks,

    i'm at the same stage as you and having similar thoughts. i'm worried i won't love the DE baby because it's not mine..not sure what we're going to do yet but this www has lots of great info. GL

  3. Thanks mariead. I will definitely check out that site. I understand your fears about love with the DE. How did you come to where you are in the process?

  4. Hi ladies,
    Sorry to hear about the struggles you are having with having a child with your own eggs.

    I have struggled with the same. I am 43 and have been trying to conceive for 3 years and after 4 failed IVF cycles and 1 failed FET, I am moving forward with DE. I have an elevated FSH but have consistently produced 8 mature eggs resulting with 5-6 grade A 8 or 7cell embies (one 9-cell during a previous tranfer), but none ever took. In my most recent IVF cycle (last month) at CCRM we transferred 6 8-cell embies and none took. I was devastated and feeling hopeless.

    Make no mistake, I too feel saddened that I will most likely not have any children with my own eggs -- unless a miracle happens and I get pregnant naturally!

    I am now able to move forward with DE,primarily due to my age and from being tired of being let down with each recurring failed IVF cycle with my own eggs.

    What pulled me out of my funk was when a good friend of mine told me that if I really want to be a mom that I should move forward (either with DE or adoption). He told me that he did not want to be sitting with me a year or two from now hearing that I have regrets over not trying other avenues to be a mom.

    I am going forward with DE as I want to experience pregnancy on the road to motherhood. I personally feel that it may create a better bond for me than adoption if I feel the baby growing inside me. As well, I am hoping it does the same for my husband (since he really wants the baby to be genetically mine instead of donor, but I told him that my own eggs is most likely not going to happen given the failures)

    It took me 3 years of trying and seeing everyone around me getting pregnant (like it was as easy as going to the atm to get money). I am still saddened deep inside but have found a way to get thru this as I am equally excited at the possibility of being a mom.

    I have easy attachment to children (nieces, nephews and my friend's children), which is why I know for me I will be abelt to love he/she if I am blessed with a baby of my own.

    Best of luck to you both and feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk more.


  5. It has taken me a while to accept that I would have best chance with DE. I had already given up finding a partner and was using DS. After some losses at 41/43 I decided DE would give me best chance for genetically healthy child. My first cycle was successful. I am planning to tell my child about using donors and I will roll with it. I believe we are spirits made flesh our origins beginning long before cells meeting. But I know at least part of my genetic line. I don't expect my child to accept this easily. Hopefully s/he will look at me as a brave woman who travelled alone across the ocean so that I could love her/him. And while this child will not have my blood type they will have my blood and all the nutrients needed to support growth. I may not have drawn the blueprints for this baby but I did organize it to be done and then am providing everything else.
    I hope you find what you need. Lots of threads to read. Check out "trying to wrap my head around de" in debating donor options

  6. Hi,

    My wife and I are in the egg donation cycle right now. Tomorrow will be day 3 for us. The donor retrieved 24 eggs, 22 were mature and 18 fertilized. We are extremly pleased! In 4 failed ivf cycles with her eggs we had about 20 embryos fertilized combined, so donor is a great way to find success.

    As far as the process, the first step woul d be finding an agency, which will allow you to see some pictures, as well as some bio info on them like height, wieght etc.. as well as if they have donated previously.

    I understand the whole genetic part and I had always told my wife if I ever had a sperm problem, I would be open to using a donor, but would never adopt. in a weird way, I would feel like I was in the cycle. She has had no problem with the cycle and is very excited. I often think some feel adoption is a cure for infertility- I truly believe that the only answer to infertility is having a child!!! Whether it is by egg donation, surrogacy etc..

    As far as telling the child, I see the point the child has the right to know who their bilogical parent is. But I also believe it is fine to never tell them . Remember, the donor is donating an egg, not a child. You will carry that child. That is pretty special. We went to a therapist who specilixzes in egg donation. She said she has never had a client that ever felt like the child was not their's, and never has heard of that, but has often heard of that from both parent of adoptive kids.
    Thats where it is important to remember agai, they are donating an egg, not a child, no different than if you had a liver problem and they found a replacement , you would never know the difference, and the baby won't either.

    The fsh might be abit elevated, it doesnt mean you can't have kids, just means the ivf process sometimes isn't the easiest to overcome that. Even donors fail cycles! Their is nothing wrong with any of you on here, best of luck

  7. Thank you all so much for your feedback and encouragement. It is so wonderful to hear about positive experiences with DE. It makes the path (which is the path my RE is now recommending) feel like a good one.

    I guess there is still that little vain part of me that is holding on to using my own eggs. I think, "maybe my past BFN's were a result of having hydro's and not really because my eggs are poor quality. And if they fixed the hydro's I would have success with my own eggs." But then I think, there is still the stage IV endometriosis, and my age (39), and my FSH of 12, and the and the additional cost of another failed cycle if the problem really is that my eggs are poor quality.

    I am leaning towards just moving forward with the best possible chance of success (DE) so I can get off of the roller coaster nightmare and start my family. I think that once I have a baby I will not care if it is part dog (though I am a dog lover).

    Again, I really appreciate your feedback and experiences!

  8. I conceived my daughter on our first cycle via DE. She turns 1 on Sunday. Do I ever think that she is not "mine"? Absolutely not. She is most delightful little one and I love her to pieces. Do I ever wish she resembled me? Absolutely. We do have a picture of the donor and in some ways I wish that we didn't because I think that I perceive more similarities than are probably there. At the same time, I see so much of my sister in her physical and emotional makeup, it's a little bizarre. Does a part of me think that she is more my husband's child? Honestly, yes. But most of the time, it stems from a daddy/daughter bond rather than a genetic bond.

    We turned to DE when I was 40 and given a less than 5% chance of concieving with my own eggs with a FSH of 17.9 after 3 losses. My three years of trying with my own eggs were very stressful personally and within my marriage and I'm glad that we didn't try any further.

    Lots of people know about the way that my daughter came to be (including our 5 year old son) and I plan to start telling her the story when she turns 2 or so. However, even the people that know the truth sometimes say that she looks like me. People see what they want to see.

    Bottom line... This is the child we were meant to have. And we are the parents that she chose.


  9. I understand your concern. I have a huge decision myself; as I am seriously considering using my sister for DE cycle. My sister just turned 39 and has FSH of 7. I really want the genetic connection, so i will take my chances. I'm 41 and have FSH of 11. I tried IVF#1 and got preg but M/C at 9 weeks in Dec'08. Tried IVF#2 in Mar but cycle was cancelled due to poor response. I desparately want to try again but with limited funds my sister's eggs is a better option for me then using my own eggs. Also she has two beautiful, healthy, and smart children. Does anyone think I'm crazy for considering my sister at 39 y/o?

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