Just heard My Sis is considering leaving her dh

(11 posts)(7 voices)
  1. I'm a bit jaded about it to be honest.
    Her dh is a lovely lovely guy. Funny, physically attractive and a no bad habits.
    He has been self employed for 12 years and never hit the big time.
    She has been able to stay at home with her 2 little girls.
    They live in subsidised rented accommadation and it is a really lovely home.

    My sister is very like my mother and both are fantasists.
    My sister believes she deserves better than her dh has given her.
    She has a diploma in IT (got pg on purpose the year she was to do her degree at 30)
    But says that she wants to be home with her kids and therefore refuses to get a job to improve their cash flow. They are not in debt and have savings and have been on two foreign holidays this year. But she deserves "better"

    I sense much of this is bench marking herself against me and my dh.
    But the honest difference is that neither me nor my dh ever p1$$ed about.
    We both worked hard in school, went straight to college, got jobs straight away and progressed straight in our respective careers. So we are better off than they are. They on the other hand p ricked about during school, got poor exam results, pricked about after school, went to college as adults and had kids straight away before their careers got a chance to evolve. So they have less than we do. This is my analysis that my sister perceives she "deserves" the same as me. I believe this is at the root of her dissatisfaction with her dh.

    I am angry with her as I feel she is watching him struggle to support them and will not get off her ar $e and get a job. She could get a good well paid job....but no...she is afraid...she always feels she is bullied at work...and she is afraid of going back to an office environment. She uses this SAHM thing as an excuse. I would rather be a SAHM than a WM, but I'm full-time working now as that is what the economic climate and our circumstances demand.

    If you've got as far as here, well done, cos I think I will loose the plot with her when I finally talk to her about it. It was one of my other sisters who told me.

  2. I am sorry I only have a minute but I would tell her that straight. Maybe hearing it from someone else will make her see how stupid she is being, if indeed that her reason for considering leaving him.

    claudia

  3. Sad reason for leaving someone if that's the case. Maybe you can talk some sense into her. Focusing on material things is never good, there has to be more than that.

    Good luck, keep us updated.
    Renee

  4. When my sis was having marital troubles, I also believed it's because she is one of those "romantic fantasy" type people. I told her her husband was busting his a.ss and that sometimes it's not so "romantic" having three small kids....doh!

    She and he went to counseling and I have noticed that they get along swimmingly now and seem to really enjoy each other. I am so glad!

    If you can't be honest with your sis...kwim?

  5. I kinda went thru the same thing with my DH....took me a long time to realize a few things....
    1 - I wasn't going to change him or his idea that his self employment was just fine
    2 - he deserved to be happy in his employment
    3 - there are upsides to his self employment and he takes advantage of them (more time with the kids being the biggest payoff)
    4 - I'm perfectly capable of working, in fact am happier when I AM working, so that's what I did - got a part time job - v. lucky I am well paid for my part time job which helps
    5 - the grass is rarely greener, I never considered leaving, but I've known people in this position who did and if she really thinks that as a single mom who hasn't worked in however many years her financial situation is going to improve, she is dead wrong. If he doesn't make enough to support her now, he isn't going to be able to support 2 households.

    I believe a reality check is in order.

  6. Thanks girls!

    My problem about telling her straight is that I live about 200 miles from her and it's difficult to talk on the phone about these things.

    One of the problems I see about her dh's business is that he keeps changing it, to meet the needs of the market, which is fine. But he also changes the names and emails etc, therefore he is not building up a client base.

    Bottom line, if she wants more material sh1t she needs to go out and earn it herself.

    Its reassuring that some of you have gotten through a phase like this.

  7. My next thought is this??? a SAHM with kids, who has no "money of her own coming in" thinking about leaving her DH????? SOMEONE must be paying her some attention somewhere- i don't know very many women with a "nice" husband at home who don't work who would leave unless there is a "potential" other option out there.

    I MAYBE reaching- but i would think maybe she has got the eye of someone- and is getting attention, and maybe thinking "hey the grass COULD be greener" etc. OF COURSE we know it isn't but she maybe thinking this. WHO KNOWS.

    Otherwise- she is crazy- My DH is a physician- and i have ALWAYS worked- not like most of the MD wives i know who stay home doing "social" things. I love my job- but wouldn't mind a dh who would like me to stay home with my son and soon to be baby- but he doesn't- he wants me working.

    Jen

  8. Interesting angle Jen, that I hadn't considered.
    I doubt it, but one never knows I guess.

  9. Sometimes things can be a "shocker"- but just wanting to leave him doesn't really make sense- if she made money- or wanted to work, but doesn't sound like the case- she has to know she wouldn't get much in child support/ alimony if he is personal business owner, doesn't sound like he makes much. SOmething sounds off, but that is my opinion.

    jen

  10. Interesting angle Jen, that I hadn't considered.I doubt it, but one never knows I guess. I think Jen is on to something here... it just doesn't make sense otherwise, you know? Jeeez, I really hope this isn't the case.
    Would you feel right asking her about it?
    (I had a friend that did this, right down to lying about it to me- for some reason I still can't fathom)

  11. I will ask her and try to advise her to work on her marriage.

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