Is there any way for it to be easy?

(6 posts)(5 voices)
  1. I just had my first IVF cycle...actually, lets call it my first "learning experience."

    I went into this thinking that we would need 2-3 cycles because it would just be too "TV" to have it work the first time.

    On day 3, we only had two middling embryos. I knew that their chances were not good.

    I didn't "feel pregnant" (well, I had some symptoms but I was on a heavy dose of progesterone so I knew those didn't count.) We were planning for our second cycle before the beta.

    I was not surprised at all when we got a negative. I had already accepted that this was a multi-cycle process.

    So why does this stink so much? Why did I spend President's day staring into space and crying? Why have I lost my appetite? Why do I not care about my job or graduate school anymore? Why did I have to double my asthma drugs? Why can't I sleep through the night? I thought I was in the perfect place, but instead I'm a mess. And that was only the first cycle. I'm going to completely melt if #2 fails. I feel like such a weakling where I can't even deal with the first cycle failing.

    What do you do so this doesn't crush your life? Should I just give up and accept that I'm going to be a pathetic mess for the next year?

  2. Vladimir, there is hope. I've learned that how you start out the path towards parenthood, may differ from how you end up... This journey is very tough, I know, but the rewards can more then make up for the struggles. Since I was over 40 years old when I started this journey, 4 tries with w/my own eggs - including 2 miscarriages, 1 ectopic and 2 BFNs, we gave up and went to donor.

    I now have a 2 year old son... I have to tell you that when I started this journey, I swore that I would not go down the donor path... Well, I had to eat my words and I willingly eat them every day, as I look at my beautiful baby "mama's boy"... There are times when I see others/friends who are lucky w/their own eggs and feel a tinge of envy, but all in all, I'd choose my son over a child w/my own eggs anyday.

    So I'm not really trying to endorse donor here, as much as I'm trying to convey that there is always hope and sometimes we might get to the end game in a manner differently then we intended... Now all of this said, you've had 1 try and chances are good that your 2nd try WILL be successful and I truly do wish you all the best with this next try.

    xo, WB

  3. Vladimir - i know the exact feeling and have been down this road of disappointment too many times! on valentine's day i got my BFN for IVF#2!

    Even though you did not have much expectations for your first IVF cycle, you STILL went through an emotional and dramatic process. you invested so much time and feelings into this so it is very normal to feel sad and helpless.

    don\'t give up! i am angry and sad right now and i do feel hopeless too but i am not giving up. i am going to take a break from cycling.

    you WILL get through this even though you feel like you won't. take it day by day. do something nice for yourself.

    i am here if you need someone to talk to!

  4. veradi, so sorry to hear this news. Sometimes this whole thing seems so unfair.

    xo, WB

  5. Snowball - I like you! I read your other post and will respond there, but I 'get' it. I went through 5 bfns...I came up with a mantra/ritual - "break something, cry about that, buy something, maybe do something drastic to the house or self (loose weight, gain weight, do a long bike ride, hike something, etc...)"

    Our dog absorbed a ton of tears from both DH and me.

    We had days where we would have to forcibly remind each other that there were 'good' things in our life and in our world. Sometimes the 'good thing' was just the view from our house, but we made a pact to try to find something good in every day and we stuck to it. It was NOT easy sometimes.

    We drank....sometimes a lot, after a BFN. We wallowed in self pity, self loathing and places we'd rather not visit ever again...but we earned our places there, as have you. It's ok to do that - you'll come out of it eventually and the wallowing will do you good in the meantime.

    We switched REs and clinics - we live in a pretty rural part of VT - we used the 'local' clinic for three rounds. Moved on to NYC to a larger clinic that handled a ton more IVFs than my first clinic. Whole new dx, etc. But what really sticks with me is when my new RE told me - 'if after 2 bfns, I don't have something new for you, then you should go elsewhere' - many people might think she was just trying to protect her stats, but she was a college roommate of a close buddy of mine so we had a level of honesty that surpassed your usual patient/dr relationship.

    Hope this helps - although I know not much does right now. Do what you need to to make yourself feel a bit better....even if it's just a little bit better.

  6. snowball - its not easy and subsequent failures never get easier - it gets more familiar, but not easier.

    Sorry about your BFN. Always remind yourself that when you hurt, it means you cared. The more it hurts the more you cared no matter how much you try to protect yourself from the start.

    Do whatever you can to mourn the loss of you last cycle and the loss of the hopes and dreams that cycle represented. You'll know when you feel strong once again and when you feel strong enough to try again.

    In the meantime, many hugs.

RSS feed for this topic


You must log in to post.