I need to vent a little

(24 posts)(20 voices)
  1. WARN: DEATH/FUNERAL MENTIONED, PREGNANCY MENTIONED, CHILD CUSTODY MENTIONED/l0SER FAMILY MENTIONED

    Ok, so for anyone reading who doesn't know already, my grandmother (dad's mom) died on Friday morning. I am taking it pretty hard. So is my 8yo DS. She struggled for a long time with severe illness, finally was put on hospice care, and passed away peacefully. She lived 84 good yeras, had 9 loving grandchildren and 7 loving great-grandchildren. It doesn't make the loss any easier.

    I am 26w pregnant. I am super-emotional and hormonal, and I acknowledge that. But here's what happened...

    So I called my mother tonight (First words out of her mouth when she answered wasn't "hello" they were "What do you want, I'm busy right now.")

    What I wanted was to discuss the funeral/visitation/ and the fact that my DS doesn't want to go, and she totally blew up at me.

    First, she said DS is going no.matter.what. It is the respectful thing to do, there is no reason why he shouldn't go. She doesn't care how my cousin raises her kids (she's not taking hers) but I WILL bring DS. No arguments. End.of.discussion. (Personally, I'm torn. I do want DS to go, but I think forcing him to go is a bad plan. FWIW she is cremated... so there will be no body to "traumatize" him"- but like 40 or so crying adults isn't traumatizing enough for an 8yo barely grasping the concept of death??)

    Then, when I tell her my 2yo DD is not going (that I have a friend watching her) and I ask her if my 3yo nephew will be going?? She starts in about she doesn't know... it's his dad's week to have him (his dad is my bro) and he probably will because my bro will be there. And then she goes on about how there is a big difference between 2yo and 3yo and 8yo when it comes to understanding death. WTF??? I know that, I was simply asking to see if DS would have someone young around to play with if he got bored (since my cousin's kids WON'T be there and he's the only other kid in the family).

    I start to tell her that I will go to the visitation at 6 (when it starts) and my DH will bring the kids a little later and for a short while and then leave with them when they start to get bored and she inturrupts me... she starts telling me about how "she is busy" working on a slideshow of photos of my grandma for the visitation and she "doesn't have time to have 20 mundane things said to her" and "what else do I want???" So I said "Nothing that's it" and hung up. And then I burst into tears. And then I took a Xanax. She called back (I didn't answer because I was crying and didn't want her to know how badly she hurt my feelings) and she left me the nastiest voicemail I have ever received in my life... about how she doesn't need my attitude and I need to stop acting like such a bitch and she pays my cellphone bill so technically it's HER cellphone whether I like it or not.

    I know she's stressed, and it's tough because my grandmother was living with them for part of the time when she was sick and her care fell onto my mom, but what pisses.me.off is the fact that she was watching my nephew overnight tonight (I could HEAR HIM in the background, plus yesterday she told me my bro picked up a shift tonight so he could be off Mon/Tues for the services).

    So here's what I feel like: WTF do you want?? I'm too busy taking care of your brother's kid OVERNIGHT to have a 10 minute phone conversation with you about the funeral. Gee, thanks, mom, for making me feel like TOTAL SHIT.

    To elaborate a little, this already is a touchy subject with us because my brother only has half custody of his kid (every other week) and works 12 hours shifts 4 of the 7 days he has his DS so my mom keeps him overnights 5 of those days (because he has to be at work at 5am so the DS spends the night so he doesn't have to get him up at 4am to come over). So basically, on his custody weeks, my bro comes to my moms house to "visit" his kid for a few hours after he gets home from work before his DS goes to bed. Not to mention for A YEAR after his divorce he lived with my parents (rent free) and hardly ever watched his own kid, it always fell on my mom. Plus my mom paid for his divorce (several thousand dollars- he is supposed to pay back but she hasn't seen a dime yet 2 years later- meanwhile I catch shit for borrowing $400 for a cable bill which I paid back within 6 months)

    I am getting pretty tired of the "I'll have N that day" comments when I ask her to watch my kids... yes my mom helps us out too by watching my kids when I go to the doctor (which can be quite often) but WTF she ALWAYS has N on my bro's weeks. ALWAYS. It's getting pretty old for me. (She watches them all) And God forbid I say anything about it. Truth be told, I think my bro is a lousy father. So my mom picks up the slack, and constantly makes excuses for my bro. I'm getting pretty tired of it. She argues that she watches my kids too... but if you add up the man-hours, even if you combine what she has watched of BOTH of my kids, together AND separate, over the last 8 years, you will STILL not even COME CLOSE to the amount of time she's spent taking care of N in 3 years. I guarantee it. But she claims its about equal. NO FERKING WAY.

    So I guess I'm upset about 3 things. First, the way she talked to/treated me on the phone when I was trying to have a simple conversation with her about what would be going on over the next few days. Second, the nasty voicemail she left me. Third, about the fact that taking care of N has always been priority #1, no matter what else is going on. Tell my bro to man up and be a real father, already.

    As you can see, it's 5am and I am still dwelling on this. Even after a Xanax.

    I acknowlede I am emotional, she is emotional, and everyone is under a lot of stress. But does that give her the right to totally attack me for a simple phone call?

    And just to put the icing on the cake of my day... today was my 12 year wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to me. I was so upset, I coudn't even talk to DH about it.

    If you've made it this far, thank you.

    God Bless~
    Brandi

  2. Brandi,

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It stinks that your mother was that way to you on the phone. Don't know what to say. As far as the funeral, you need to do what is BEST for your children. If you think it is best they don't go, then keep them home.

    When my father died my girls were 1 and almost 3. I kept them home. I felt it was no place for them. My sister took her daughter who was 3 and I didn't agree with it. Open casket. I felt she was too little.

    Just hang in there and do what is best for you and your family.

    Hugs,
    nickx

  3. Brandi, I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation on top of the grief you are already going through. I chose not to say anything Friday night as I wanted you and your family to have a break. Hang in there and call me if you need to talk.

  4. I know that it is frustrating. Maybe this was your moms way to deal with her emotions - to lash out at you.

    As for the childcare, her taking much more time with your nephew./ I think you will have to resign yourself to this and move on. I too have inlaws who spend much more time with my nephew - they live closer and SIL is very dependent on them - to the point that I think it is unhealthy. Yes, I have been upset that they wouldn't visit my kids in the hospital and never once cooked a meal when I had a baby or changed a diaper - they did all of this for SIL and continue to do so. But, I have moved past it and realized that I cant change it, it is what it is and I need to be okay with things. This has really helped me move past it.

    Wishing you luck with dealing with everything.

  5. Brandi, I feel for you and I also know what you are going through. I also have the same thing with my step-mum. Saying that so does my step-sister. My step-mum has three grandchildren. I have one and my sister has two. My SM seems to only favour the oldest who is now 11yrs. I get up set that now I have a 2yr both her and and my father do nothing in regards to looking after my DS. Then again my step-sister gets very upset that my dad and SM only offer to look after Lucy and not the younger 4yr old.

    Every year they take Lucy away on holiday abroad. They take Lucy away for weekends etc. Yet for the other two boys nothing. Just a postcard wishing them there.

    As for the funeral I'm very sorry for your loss and you must do what is best for your family. You are the parent in this case and if your DS has requested not to go them I would leave him with his sister at the sitters house. The last thing you need right now is a traumatized 8yr old. The day is going to be very stressful for you as it is.

    Take care of yourself and come here if you need to talk.

    Suzanne

  6. Brandi ~ First (and most important) Happy Anniversary. 12 years is a long time these days my friend so please try and find a way to acknowledge and celebrate that with your DH.

    As for your Mom… I’m not so sure what to say. Putting this situation aside, It sounds like you and your mom have a close relationship (based on previous posts). She helps you and your family out in her own unique and special way. Your mom is going thru a tough stage right now. She lost HER mom and she’s grieving in her own way. Whether she lashing out at you, or someone else, she is grieving. Does it make it right? No, I’m sure she hurt you and your also grieving and pregnant so yes add emotional to the list. Try to remember that for some reason we (human nature) tend to lash out to the ones we love the most.

    As for the kids attending or not attending. This is your decision and perhaps it’s best not to run your thoughts or concerns thru her at this time. You and your DH will make the best decision for your kids. End of discussion. You will show up and pay your respects and if asked (by anyone) where your kids are at, you will simply say they are at home with the sitter. End of discussion. If you and your DH decide to bring your 8 year old later in the day… End of discussion. If asked.. you will simply say.. they’ll be here later. And when it’s time to leave. Hug your Mother very tightly and say I love you Mom I’ll call to check in on you later and when you do call her, do just that. Let her talk and help her get thru this. It’s after the funeral that really hurts.

    All the other stuff you mentioned can be dealt with at a later time.

  7. Brandi, so sorry fpr your loss.

    After my dad died, I was a beeyotch on wheels...esp. To dh. I think your mom has "chosen" you to lash out on. Totally not fair, but she's prob out of her mind.

    If you don't want your 8 yo to go, I can see that...totally your call.

    Hang in there and happy anniversary too.

  8. Ugh, that's no fun. No one ever wants to be yelled at and it always stings more coming from your own mother. I do want to say I'm so sorry for your loss and congrats on your wedding anniversary - maybe you can celebrate properly after you've had some time to grieve.

    I do think that whether you want your DCs to attend and for how long is solely YOUR decision. Do not discuss it with her further, just you and your DH decide what is best. We took our 3 year old DDs to my grandpa's funeral last year and they did totally fine since they didn't really get it yet, although they understood I was sad because my grandpa had gotten so sick. There was not an open casket (I couldn't even handle that!).

    I think your mom is just under a lot of stress and sad, and she took it out on you. Not fair, but I'd let it go. I think you'll have to come to terms with your nephew getting more attention/care/help from her and just look at it as your the responsible parent who can take care of her own child, unlike your brother. DH and I were just discussing how his parents give more financial and child care support to his sister and I was saying the same thing - good for us that we make a good living and can handle these things on our own and be more independent.

    Lastly, not to make you feel worse, but are you sure it's safe to take Xanax while you're pregnant?!

    Vanessa

  9. The kids can come over here at any time you need us!!! Big play room and organic food!

    Yes, I'd be upset too!!!! I'm sooooo jealous of those people who have the supportive parents.

  10. So sorry your grandma died. And so sorry your mom lashed out at you. I hope she will find it in her to apologize at some later (not too distant) date.

    I agree with Telly, that you are unlikely to be able to change how much your mom helps with your kids vs your nephew. So, I would just take the help you do get, and encourage a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents. (Sounds like your nephew has a difficult home situation, so he probably really needs his grandma.)

    And, as for the funeral, definitely you and your family's call. Your mom will have to live with your decision.

    Take care,
    fabio

  11. Thanks everyone. This is still eating away at me, but I feel a bit better about it now, thanks to you guys! If it wasn't for IVFC, I think I'd go totally carzy! BIG HUGS to all of you!

    Vanessa, (BTW~thanks for worrying about the baby ) I wanted to just make sure, so I called the peri Friday after she died and asked if it was ok if I could take the Xanax...(I have it for my anxiety attacks and PTSD) and he said considering the circumstances ONE 1mg of Xanax per day for 3-4 days wouldn't be harmful since I'm already third trimester. It's better than me being a crying, hypreventalating panic-attack, anxiety-attack mess. Just don't make it a habit (don't want the baby to become dependent, but one week isn't too much of a worry in his eyes).

    I know I have to resign myself to the fact mom will always have to help my brother out more, just for some reason her snarky attitude when I could hear N in the background really hurt my feelings last night. It was a very rude slap-in-the-face as to where her loyaties lie. My mom is usually great to me, we are mostly close, but sometimes she gets in these moods and she just lashes out, and I am ususally at the receiving end. It happens a lot more since my bro & his wife split (and she's taken on caring for N). And A LOT while she was caring for my grandmother. I try to understand, REALLY I do, but it just hurts every time she prioritizes my brother's needs over mine (which happens quite often). Not that I expect to be the center of her universe, but I do harbour some resentful feelings. And she accuses me of not loving my nephew because I get irritated when he misbehaves. He is quite obnoxious. But I get irritated when MY OWN KIDS misbehave, too. Don't say I hate the kid just because I dislike the fact that he hits other kids. (She likes to make excuses, says he can't help the way he is because of the environment he lives in - one week with mom, another week with dad (actually grandma)- I think this is a lame excuse and isn't doing him any good to make excuses for him) I love him dearly, and I often make play-plans and include him. But all she sees is the negative.

    My Mom is a VERY strong-willed person. She has her opinions/ideas, and that.is.that. There is NO changing her opinion. DH and I are still undecided on the funeral. We think DS will regret it if he doesn't go, but this will only be the second funeral he has ever attended in his life (and the first was years ago so he didn't quite "get it" then.) I just wouldn't feel right forcing him. But if he doesn't go... hell hath no fury like my mother, for sure. I imagine it will cause a HUGE rift.

    The visitation is tonight, and I have this lump in my gut... I don't even want to be around my mother, because I suspect, even if my brother is there, SHE will be the one handling N. I still have hurt feelings (mostly from that nasty VM she left me) But I'm going to try to be the bigger person and just set my feelings aside for the time being.

    Thanks again to everyone for the kind words of support and encouragement. I am very lucky to have such a great support system.

    Take Care~
    Brandi

  12. Congrats on the anniversary. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I went to my grandfather's funeral (open casket) when I was 6yo, because I asked, and my mother had not been permitted to attend her own beloved grandfather's funeral at 5yo because others felt she was too young. If your son doesn't feel up to attending (or you don't think he should), that should be your choice, not your Mom's. Everyone grieves in their own way and your Mom's way may not be your DS'. Good for you for sticking up for your own parenting.

  13. one more thought.... I think your mom may think you are the stronger, better-off, more settled, better organized, have it together person (and you probably are), and that's why she "chooses" you to lash out (you can handle it, according to this logic), and why you get less help than your needy brother.

    So sorry you are going through this.

    fabio

  14. one more thought.... I think your mom may think you are the stronger, better-off, more settled, better organized, have it together person (and you probably are), and that's why she "chooses" you to lash out (you can handle it, according to this logic), and why you get less help than your needy brother.So sorry you are going through this. fabio

    That's exactly what my parents think but it doesn't help me worth a damnnnnn. I'm the ship that can't be sunk but I'd love some help every now and then. If it were not for BF, I'd be bat shite crazy!!!!! I can sink and we all need help now and then. Why is it the weaker get the most help? Put on your big girl/boy underwear and get on with it!!!!

  15. one more thought.... I think your mom may think you are the stronger, better-off, more settled, better organized, have it together person (and you probably are), and that's why she "chooses" you to lash out (you can handle it, according to this logic), and why you get less help than your needy brother.I agree with this.

    So sorry about your loss. And Happy Anniversary

  16. Hi Brandi,
    I am sorry about your grandmother. I can't add more than the previous posters but you have received some great advice. I just wanted to chime in and say sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and your DS, don't worry about clashing with your mom (perhaps just give her some space) and vent as often as you want.

    Best,
    Daisy

  17. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hang in there. It sounds like you were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back the other day.

    As for the situation with your nephew... have you sat down with your brother and talked to him about his childcare choices? Mention the strain on your mom and her need to grieve and push him to take on more time with his son. It is quite possible that your mom isn't really happy with the current arrangment but doesn't feel anything can be done. Men in particular have a hard time seeing when they are taking advantage of their mothers.

  18. As for the situation with your nephew... have you sat down with your brother and talked to him about his childcare choices? Mention the strain on your mom and her need to grieve and push him to take on more time with his son. It is quite possible that your mom isn't really happy with the current arrangment but doesn't feel anything can be done. Men in particular have a hard time seeing when they are taking advantage of their mothers.

    djamel_net, With all due respect, I think that would be a big mistake for Brandi to intervene in that manner. Brandi already said that her Mother is strong willed and I think she would feel Brandi went over her head and overstepped her bounds by speaking directly with her brother about his child care arrangements. At the very least, her Mom won't see it as a good thing but just say that Brandi is jealous of the attention she gives N and that is why she is doing it. She will never see it as a favor. JMHO.

  19. djamel_net, With all due respect, I think that would be a big mistake for Brandi to intervene in that manner. Brandi already said that her Mother is strong willed and I think she would feel Brandi went over her head and overstepped her bounds by speaking directly with her brother about his child care arrangements. At the very least, her Mom won't see it as a good thing but just say that Brandi is jealous of the attention she gives N and that is why she is doing it. She will never see it as a favor. JMHO.

    I agree with Nursun. My MIL and FIL are slaves to their daughter and cater to her every whim, including full-time care of her daughter (it started when my niece was 3 months old) and cooking each and every meal for SIL's family. MIL used to incessantly complain about it and when my DH finally had enough and said something to his sister, MIL acted as if DH was crazy and had made it up. When I backed him up and said that she had indeed complained repeatedly, she insisted that we were making it up. SIL of course chose to believe her mom so she could continue to (ab)use the free extended services rendered. To this day SIL and her family take advantage of my parents-in-law (with the full blessing of the suckers themselves) but at least we don't hear phony complaints about it anymore, MIL has embraced the fact that she likes to baby her only daughter.

    Brandi, I'm sorry that your grandma passed away and that you're dealing with issues with your mom. Of course, it's up to you and your husband if your son should be made to attend the funeral. Personally, I'd respect the child's wishes. My DD is 7.5 years old and she's definitely old enough to know what she's saying. I think forcing a child to go to a funeral can be traumatic for him/her. Take good care of yourself and your loved ones.

    - Sally
    DD 7 yo

  20. Hey there--I rarely post here anymore but just dropped by... Ironically, my grandmother is also dying as we speak--probably less than a week away. She too has lived to a ripe old age and I too am taking it hard.

    About your son--he's YOUR son. You are his parent and that is who you need to answer to. Your mom doesn't get to decide--you do. Remember that someday you will have to answer to him about this. I am sure he will remember all of it since he is taking it hard. So talk with him and if you decide he needs to stay home, that is your call and you owe no one an explanation.

    As to the lashing out----that was me yesterday. I was a serious beyotch on wheels--yelling at DH. I honestly looked in the mirror at one point and thought "who ARE YOU?". I apologized profusely; he was a good sport. But he did do one important thing: he stopped me from doing it. He literally grabbed my shoulders and said "HEY, I am not your punching bag." I was half irate and I needed him to set those limits. Grief is weird that way.

    No need to answer back--I am rarely here. I just wanted to reach out as your post touched me very much. Take care.

  21. Hi, Brandi. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know this is a tough time for you. I know you've gotten a lot of good advice/support here already but I just wanted to share my experience - not exactly the same but . . .

    My best friend lost both her parents in a 12 month period. I tried so hard to be there for her and say and do all the right things. From the first loss she has to be the strong one in her family and take care of her mom and sister and make all arrangements/decisions, etc. She always seemed to really keep it together - like it didn't bother her too much, she was moving on. I thought that's ok - everyone greives differently but then a few weeks later, she picked a fight with me over something very small and it escalated and she was very cruel and mean to me and ended our friendship in a LONG email the next day. I tried to reach out to her but I was so hurt that I shut down and figured ok, relationships end. I was wrong. I look back and realize she was grieving and she took it out on me - the only safe person she could do so. I got a years worth of greiving in 1 afternoon and it was tough. We have now reconnected and are as close as ever but 2 years went by before we would talk again. I should have fought harder for our friendship at the time - she needed me. It still stings when I think of the things she said to me and how she treated me at the end so I guess I'm saying that I know you are hurt by your mom's words and actions and you are also grieving but hang in there and wait before doing anything or making any decisions regarding your relationship.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Piper

  22. First off “Happy Anniversary!” I totally forgot yesterday.

    Lots of ments…

    I imagine it’s really impossible to treat all children equally. Especially when you have one child who struggles more than the others. My parents pretty much gave (sold it for way less than the value, assuming she can keep up the payments) my youngest sister their old house. (After letting her live in it pretty much rent free for years.) I was a bit resentful when I found out, because they really didn’t help us with our IF treatments. But they did loan me some money once to get vehicle I needed for work and I sold that to help pay for the last IVF before I paid them back. Still it was nowhere near what they gave my sister. Then I realized that I’d never in a million years trade my life for hers. Like your brother she struggled with drugs (for many years) she had an awful husband who cheated on her and left her for another woman, who he got pg within weeks of leaving her. As hard as IF was on me I had Joe to help me thru. I got out and ended up with Daniel. Without IF I don’t think I would have thought as much about the unfairness of it.

    My parents live 1000 miles from us and we try to visit at least once or twice a year. When we do make the long drive down we stay for weeks. One of my sisters (her kids are on college) told me “I think mom and dad have spent more time with Daniel in the last 2 ½ years then they spent with my kids there whole life” If that is true I can tell you it’s not my mom’s fault. Back then I remember her taking my sisters kids a lot. They still do a lot with them, when the kids aren’t too busy. But yes they spend a lot of time with Daniel when we are visiting Florida because we stay at their house. I don’t think that less than 2 months a year of full time visiting is as good as 30 days of spaced out visiting. Other than when Daniel was born my parents haven’t been to visit us and they haven’t offered to help us pay to come visit them. I do get that they have medical problems (especially my dad) but come on it seems like they could arrange a week or 2 without a Dr’s appointment. Little bit of resentment there. LOL I have a lot of siblings so I could go on and on. I also have half siblings and I can tell you they got the short end of the stick.

    Here are some of my thoughts that hopefully will help you a little bit. Your nephew got the short end of the stick. Your mom sees that and is trying to make it up to him, but she is forgetting that just because your kids have it better doesn’t mean that they don’t still need their grandma. It’s clear she’s not counting the time she’s spending parenting your nephew the same way she is the time she maybe actually gets to be his grandma. But you are. Maybe if you try to think of how hard it is on her to take care of a child full time when I’m sure she’d love to just be the grandma it might help.

    It’s clear from your post that she hurt you. I’m sure she was overwhelmed and upset. That doesn’t excuse it, but maybe it will help you to let it go. I’m thinking that maybe she feels close enough to you to feel secure in letting herself lash out. She loves you and knows you love her so she doesn’t feel like she has to put up shields. That doesn’t give her the right to hurt you like that, but maybe it will help you to feel a bit less betrayed. Once all this is past I think it would be a good thing to sit down with your mom and have a talk to clear the air. Let her know how you are feeling and how your kids are feeling. Clear the air.

    As for taking your DS to the funeral. I’d sit him down and talk to him about it. Advise him that if he doesn’t attend he might regret it in the future. Tell him that funerals are hard, but they are often also healing. A lot of great stories are told about those we loved and miss at funerals. A lot of the love they left behind is felt. Then I’d let him make his own decision. No way would I force anyone to go to a funeral. Daniel is young but he has already been to a few for friends of Joe’s. I want him to understand that death is a part of life from the beginning. That we believe that it is not an ending but a transition. That all that a person was is left behind in those who loved them and that their spirit lives on. Yes we are sad, but they have gone on to something better. I feel like hiding death from children can make it something to be feared unreasonably. But that isn’t the same as forcing it on them.

    Try to forget about your mom for now. Focus on your grandmother for now. Focus on your children and your DH and honor in that way. When the time comes forgive your mom for being human. Forgive yourself for the same thing. When you need to talk you have my number. A GREAT BIG HUG!

  23. Brandi - I've been following your situation and am so sorry for your loss. Even though it wasn't unexpected, it still hits harder than we sometimes think it will. Big hugs to you...you certainly can use them. As for forcing your DS to go to her funeral, I think it's okay for him to opt out if he doesn't want to attend. My grandmother (dad's mom) passed away when I was 8. For whatever reason, my parents did not want us younger kids at the funeral and had a friend watch us. I never felt like I missed anything. They did have us at the graveside service, which was hard for me because I'd never seen my dad cry. 8yo is, IMO, old enough to decide whether to remember your great-grandmother at a service, or in your own way. It's not like he's refusing to visit her while she was still alive, but even that is difficult for some people when your loved one is so ill that they no longer resemble themselves.

    Sorry your mom is lashing out at you. It sounds like she's under a lot of stress, but that's no excuse to leave you a nasty voice mail and treat you that way. As for the situation with your nephew and brother, I agree with others that parents sometimes give a LOT more to the children who seem, in their opinion anyway, to need more. I've got 5 siblings. Things are not fair. Dh and I are on the receiving end of very little, but that's because my parents view us as being the most self-sufficient and least needy. Sure, it would have been nice for them to help out a little with all the IF stuff, as everyone else had no problems. I recall many years ago, taking a walk with my dad. He went through all of us kids and our situations, and pretty much said he didn't worry about dh and I because we'd made good decisions and we'd be fine. At this point in my life, it doesn't bother me if they help out the others more than they do us. It used to really get me, but I'm a lot older than you so I've had many more years to deal with this. It hasn't always been easy, I won't deny it, but there's not much I could do about it. One thing that I hope I've learned is to make a conscious decision to avoid doing that with my children. I don't want to do something to drive them apart and create jealousies between them. It will probably happen anyway, but I hope it doesn't.

    I hope the funeral service gives you some comfort, and I'm truly sorry for your loss.

  24. Thank you to everyone for all the kind words and support. Yesterday was hard, but I made it through with help of my wonderful DH and DS.

    DS & I had a long talk Monday. We talked about how Granny was in Heaven now, with his sister, and how she is not hurting anymore. I explained to him that at the funeral there would just be talking about how much everybody loved her, stories about her, and songs and prayers. I warned him that I would cry, that Grandma would cry, and probably Grandpa too. I told him it was okay to be sad and it just means that we love her and will miss her.

    Bless his little heart... he hugged me and said he wanted to go and hear all the good things they had to say about Granny and make sure that his Mommy was okay.

    He went with us, and was the only child there (well, actually my cousin had her 2yo DD with her but stepped out of the service because she started to fuss). He hugged me & held my hand and handed me tissues when I cried. Sweet boy. He behaved so perfectly during the hour long service and was so strong (he didn't cry- which surprised me). The reception afterwards he started to get a little antsy and act up... by the time we got to my aunt's house he was pretty wound up and acting out . But I think it was just the stress of the whole day.

    All in all, the day went as well as could be expected. After the reception DH & some other guys in the family loaded several of the floral arrangements and leftover food into a few cars, our van included. We went to my aunt's house to visit, and we got to visit with a lot of family I don't normally see. DH didn't complain once. He sat at my aunt's house in uncomfortable clothes for hours and just waited patiently while I visited with my family. He was awesome. After my aunt's house we took the bigger floral sprays to my grandfather's grave and set them on his headstone. We took a few photos and told DS & DH some fun stories about my grandfather. The day was bittersweet. And long. We got home around 8, and my friend who watched my DD all day for us stayed at the house when we got home and visited with me until after midnight. (I think she was just making sure I was in an OK place emotionally )

    As for the situation with my mom... she called Monday afternoon and acted as if nothing was wrong (which she does often when she lashes out at me) so I just drop it and let the situation go. I know she was under stress, and her behavior/body language told me she was sorry without her actually saying the words. We have a strange relationship.

    As for the situation with my nephew... my bro didn't bring him to the funeral (he actually took him to daycare that he paid for ) I have tried saying something to my mother about it in the past... it just causes tension between us. I fully admit there is some jealousy there, but you are all right... Mom fully admits that my bro "needs more help" than me so she gives it to him. My complaint is that he will never stand up and take care of business if she is always covering his ass, KWIM?

    Anyways, I just want to say thanks again to everybody for the kind words... and for letting me vent when I definitely needed it! I am lucky to have such a great group of friends here on IVFC!

    Take Care & blessings~
    Brandi

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