I don\'t want to tell

(14 posts)(13 voices)
  1. Hello everyone,

    We are not quite at DE yet. We are doing one last hail marry cycle with my own eggs but I have no faith in it at all.

    It is hard to admit this becuase I feel that most people believe it is best to tell the child, but I can't hide my feelings from myself. I just don't want to tell. I don't want the child to feel that he or she isn't mine. I don't want others to treat my child differently, especially family....and they would.

    If I weren't afraid that my child would find out someday as an adult, I would not even consider telling.

    Have any of you considered not telling? How likely is it that a child could find out? Is this just something I have to wrap my head around?

    Please don't hate me for these thoughts.


  2. Jordana... There isn't any rule that says you have to tell anyone how you conceived your child. It's a personal choice. We were not successful with our DE cycle, but we had decided to be open with everyone close to us about DE. We took a very thorough stock of the dynamics of the relationships we have with people we love, and we felt it was the right choice for us. We have no doubt that they would love our child regardless of how s/he was conceived. If we were wrong in our assessment, we really wouldn't care what they think. If they treated our child "differently", then we'd have a civil discussion with that person and lay down our laws with them. If they don't honor our wishes, then it's too bad for them. Part of our decision to tell was to let our child(ren) know that we loved them so much that we went to great lengths to get help in order to have them in our lives. We're in the process of doing embryo adoption, and we'd approach disclosure the same way.

    Disclosure is something you and your DH have to decide what's right for you. As far as I can tell, if you decide to tell NO ONE, then there isn't a way for the child to find out except from you and possibly different blood types and DNA paternity tests. The birth certificate has yours and DH's name as birth parents, and there is NO mention of any donor(s)... same goes for EA. Good luck with your decision.

  3. Jordana, to add to the good advice from Christie:

    being in the "tell" camp doesn't mean you have to tell everybody. i definitely feel as though it is healthiest for the kids to know- but i have purposely kept the info from my mother b/c she is not normal and plays favorites with her kids and grandkids- and i don't want to make it any worse on mine. most everyone else in the family whom i can trust does know- and when my parents die i won't be worried any more about such things and will be able to be more open.

    but one thing- i am not worried that my kids won't feel as though they're mine- and respectfully i wonder if that particular feeling you expressed might be explored with a therapist who knows about these issues- reason i say that is b/c if you are worried about it, you will continue to be worried about it and it might affect your relationship with your kids from your end- regardless of whether you tell them. iykwim.

    this isn't my reason for being int he tell camp- but i don't think that ultimately you'll be able to prevent them from finding out- in spite of some efforts at physical matching, my kids don't look anything like me and many many people realize this and quite a few comment. 15 years from now, in high school, i would imagine they'd be able to do DNA testing and so forth. and if you look at the kids of sperm donors that are now grown, many of them say that they always felt something was wrong.

    i hope you find a way to be comfortable with your decision.


  4. Thanks guys,

    I think I know in my heart that I will have to tell. I just wish it weren't so. I don't think I will have any trouble loving or bonding with my child if I am lucky enough to have one. I have sat on a bench in the mall watching the children, and I just know that I could fully love any one of them if given the chance.

    I just want to spare my child any fear or anxiety. But as you say, it would probably be worse if he or she sensed something and couldn't figure out what was wrong.

    My other fear is just from observation. I have a friend with one bio daughter and one adopted daughter. The both have some behavior issues although they are quite different ones. The thing is that whenever the adopted daughter acts out, people whisper to each other things like, "oh..thats the adopted one. There are often problems with the adopted ones." I mean it. It makes me crazy. They judge her differently becuase she is adopted when so many bio kids have the same issues! I don't want people whispering about my child. Know what I mean?

    I guess these are just the things that we will deal with and get over. There are people in my family who I never want to know.

    Thanks for listening.

  5. a_sourbi, I think everyone feels differently about this. I too am in one last cycle with my own eggs. If we move on to DE, I plan to tell absolutely no one including the child(ren) (I also have one bio ds). I have never even told anyone in my "real" life that we have even done ivf! I don't think there is a right or wrong answer in this. I think you just have to do what is right for you.

  6. I'm in the tell camp since I was having such a hard time getting my head around DE that I had to tell someone. My thought was that once people outside me and husband knew, there is always that outside chance someone might mention to my children down the line. However, I've always thought that I have it a little easier as my stepsister is a single mom by choice who conceived her twins via sperm donor. That way, I have a close example to explain to the kids that families are built through love in lots of different ways.

  7. Hi a_sourbi -- If I wind up doing DE, I will be very much in the no tell camp, child(ren) included. I truly believe that this would be the right thing for me. But it's a very, very personal decision. If I could swing it, I probably wouldn't even tell my husband! (I'm actually half serious).

    True, you don't have to tell everyone, but remember...once it's out there, it's out there; you can never untell. Also, if you do tell select people, those people have to be willing and able to lie for you and to do so very convincingly.

  8. DH and I talk about this pretty regularly. We are in the no tell camp - that is best for us. We know how ppl can be, and we don't ever want anyone to treat the child as anything other than our child. I have children from my first marriage and we don't ever want any speculation that they aren't reall siblings, as to us they will be. It is truly a personal choice and is completely different for everyone. For us, we know the child is wanted (assuming we are lucky enough with upcoming cycle to become pregnant) and for us that is enough. We don't plan on telling anyone, our child (children if blessed) included.

    As someone has already said - once it is out there you can't take it back. Do what is right for you and DH, and don't let anyone pressure you in to thinking you have to do something one way or the other. It is really what is best for you and your family.


  9. a_sourbi---

    I just wanted to jump in and comment on this thread. DH will be doing our first IVF/ICSI soon and have come to the conclusion that DS may be our only way to have a family. That being said, we have decided (for now) that we will be in the "no-tell camp". I (personally) have struggled with this decision for months, however, feel it is the best choice for us. Who knows? We may change our minds once we actually have a child (hopefully)...

    I\'m happy to hear that I am not alone in having these feelings.
    I am relieved to see that so many of you, regardless of what "camp" you're in, are not judging and continue to offer support.

    It feels very safe to post fears, worries, and concerns here.

    ---sorry to ramble.

    So a_sourbi---it looks like you are definately not alone!

    I wish you the best of luck, and agree with everyone here----it really is a personal choice that has to work for you and your family

  10. Hi y'all! After being married to the best guy in the world for 13 years, the only thing we were missing was a baby. We did things the right way: we got married, put him through law school, struggled like crazy to get established.

    By the time we started trying to have babies - 1st went off birth control: nothing for 3 years; 2nd went to the ob and did IUI and Clomid (4 years of it!!!) 3rd got really frustrated so quit for a year. Went back in March '09 and found out my FSH was through the roof! > 1% chance of a successful IVF with my eggs. Took me about 10 seconds to decide to do Donor Eggs and my husband was right there with me. I was adopted and knew about it from the second I could understand. I have never wanted or cared about my "bio" parents because my parents were the ones that were up with me at 2 a.m., at every cheerleading practice, at graduation etc.

    I am now pregnant with my beautiful donor egg babies after 8 years of trying and I cannot wait to meet them. They are ours in every way, shape and form.

    There is nothing wrong with being in the "no tell" camp at all - I respect your decision. I, unfortunately, know how secrets can destroy families. What if, God forbid, your DE baby is diagnosed with a disease and you are not a match to donate to him/her? Something as simple as blood? (I am B-, my husband A+ and our donor O+ so I will not be a match for my babies) How do you explain that? And if you have "friends" that would actually say something so horrible like "oh that is the adopted one/step one/foster one/DE one", you need to get new friends! We would love to be one of them!

    In the end, for me, truth has always been the best policy.

    Take care and our best wishes for wonderful success!

  11. So what it it's your family saying those things like oh it's the adopted one, the donor one...you can't exactly get yourself new family members can you???

  12. What to tell family is a tough one. I am currently 10wks pregnant with DE twins. Though I am 44 and will be 45 when they are born I am not telling most people right away (I am sure some will suspect).

    My husband and I have had long talks about how we "deal" with his family. Based on past behavior, I am very worried about what my MIL will say and do when she finds out that we have used a donor. I am nervous that I will get angry and "go off" on her. She thinks she's being helpful with her other grandchildren but she tends to interfere and give her opinion WAY more than needed. She's pretty extreme and I don't think that my worry that she will feel that her genetic connection to the children will trump my role as mother is way off base. My husband understands my concerns.

    Despite her tendancies I am of the mind that we need to tell the children about their origins early and that means eventually we will have to clue in his family. I think we won't do it until the kids are old enough to talk though. I feel that will give me time to establish my position and also give me the time to work through some of my own insecurties around the lack of genetic connection.

    It\'s making me nervous but I guess I am just viewing it as another challenge in raising donor conceived children. Hopefully what I am anticipating won't happen but I feel the need to be prepared.

    I feel very obligated to let the kids know for both practical (health history etc) and emotional reasons and I don't think I'll waiver from that.

    I do think that the choice is personal though and that feeling good about your choice is probably very important in making the children feel secure in who they are. An important part of parenting!

    Best of luck to all.

  13. Hi Ladies,

    I just wanted to chime in and tell you ladies that whether or not you decide to tell or not tell, you will not regret your decision to do DE. I have three week old b/b twins from my first DE cycle after 4 years of IF, 3 surgeries and 6 IVF cycles. The funniest thing is, the fact that they are not my genetics means absolutely nothing to me. Sure, it would have been nice to see what features they might have gotten from me, but quite honestly, they are so beautiful and I am so in love with them that I would not trade them, even for my own genetics. I carried them and my blood coursed through their little bodies, so they are every bit my babies.

    Personally, we are in the "tell" camp. My family is 100% supportive and my friends are, too. I have two beautiful stepdaughters and I wanted to share with them how their siblings came about. Their own mom is adopted and they think what their dad and I did is so cool and will only show their brothers how much we wanted them.

    Good luck to all of you and congratulations on making the decision to do DE- you will not regret it one bit!

  14. Congratulations, Olgag78.

    I am also in the "no tell" camp. We will soon be doing our first (only, hopefully) DE cycle after 8 years of IF, with 6 inj/IUI cycles, 3 IVFs, and so many rounds of clomid that I lost track. The main reason we have chosen not to tell is because we live in a very small town. The people here have probably never heard of DE. I'm afraid of how the child would be responded to in school, etc. I don't want him/her to have that stigma. As far as the child, I don't think we will tell him/her, either.

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