I Am So Numb, So Sad, So Angry

(15 posts)(10 voices)
  • Started by labterea ago.
  • Latest reply from AbhilashaSingh.
  1. loss mentioned, chemical mentioned

    Super freaking long angsty, angry rambling.

    My beta was originally scheduled for today, but I started spotting on Monday night, and by Tuesday I was having a full blown period. I knew that it was over so I called RE and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday.

    It was still dark when I left for the clinic Wednesday morning, in a city that’s 40 minutes away. I still had a band of bruises on my abdomen from all of the shots that I took over two weeks ago. I felt like I was driving to my execution. I practiced saying “good morning” out loud the entire way there so that I could walk in and say it without bursting into tears. It didn’t matter anyway. The doctor has two entire floor to ceiling walls full of pictures of his successes. Those walls always offered me hope before. That day they darned near knocked the breath right out of me. As soon as I saw all of those pictures I knew that any hope I had of not crying was all over.

    The nurse drew my blood, and I went home to cry some more. I was bleeding harder than I usually do with normal AF. She called me that afternoon and she told me that she had good news, that my test was positive. I was stunned. And confused. And frightened. And so freaking relieved. I had a chance; it was positive, and the beta number was a decent number. She told me that a lot of women bleed during the first trimester. She told me that maybe I had a disappearing twin. She gave me some hope. Despite the fact that I was bleeding, I had a chance.

    They put me on PIO shots to help stop the bleeding. The bleeding did mostly stop by this morning, and I felt that little glimmer of hope strengthen. I headed off to the clinic to have my blood drawn again. They called this afternoon with the results. Not good news. My beta dropped from 79 to 18. It has ended in a chemical. It would have been so much better had the test just come back negative on Wednesday. Now I’m going through the same mess of raw emotions all over again. I’m absolutely crushed.

    I KNEW, going into this, that I had a very low probability of success. I KNEW that 10 to 15% was really a rather dismal percentage. I KNEW that, statistically speaking, the first cycle of IVF doesn’t tend to work in women who are much younger and much healthier than I. Knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed. Bull sh!t. I thought I was prepared. Intellectually I was prepared. In fact, intellectually I STILL have a grip on the situation, but there is a disconnect, and I can’t make the leap. Emotionally nothing prepared me for the pure, ragged devastation that I feel right now. Even though I already pretty much knew, nothing prepared me for how gutted I felt when the official phone call came. I had somehow managed to carry some miniscule grain of hope right up until that phone call made it absolutely certain. Nothing prepared me for the decimating blow to my self esteem. Nothing prepared me for the desperateness of my sadness or for the depths of my anger.

    When I was cycling, when I had my retrieval, and when I had my transfer, people kept telling me to think positive. The thing was, I WAS thinking positive. I realized a few days ago that it wasn’t even forced positive thinking; I was truly and genuinely optimistic. That doesn’t generally happen with me. I don’t tend to be optimistic about much of anything. I don’t really think I’m pessimistic either—just realistic. However, this time, maybe for the first time ever, I was truly optimistic; I didn’t realize how optimistic I had really been until Monday night when I went to the bathroom. The possibility of AF was so far off of my radar that it took me a good minute to recognize what I was seeing and even longer than that to process what it meant. There was some tiny pure place inside of me that absolutely believed that this was going to work. That’s the same place that latched onto hope on Wednesday when I miraculously tested positive. How much more naive could I have possibly been?

    Of course the “what could I have done differently” question has been circling around and around in my head. I’ve gone over every single movement I’ve made in the last 13 days. There are things I possibly could have done differently, but I don’t know that those things would have made any difference. It’s not like I went out drinking and dancing. I didn’t do anything out of line. I took it easy. There was no lifting and no exercising and no cleaning the house. I took my medication religiously. I even walked more carefully. I did everything they told me to do. The embryos were ten celled, grade one with no fragmentation. My uterine lining was good. Nothing was wrong; it just didn’t work. I have to keep telling myself that. Nothing was wrong; it just didn’t work.

    I pinned the sonogram pictures of my post transfer embryos to my bulletin board above my desk. I can see them in there as plain as day. As stupid as this sounds, I would talk to them when no one was home, ask them to give me a chance to be their mommy, promise them that I’d take care of them. They were a part of me and a part of DH, and now they are nothing. I am firmly pro-choice. I know good and well that they were nothing more than a tiny group of cells. There was no conscious, no life. Yet they were MY tiny group of cells, and they had the potential to become little human beings, and I so desperately wanted them to. Now I can’t take the darned picture down. I can’t bear the thought of putting it away, because I have no d@mned idea how to mourn something that never was in the first place.

  2. I'm so sorry. I had my second BFN two weeks ago, and I could have written large amounts of your post. There's nothing I can say to help, except that I, and lots of other people here, understand.

    I talked to my embryos too. I told them all about the life they would have and how much I loved them (I know it doesn't make sense to love a collection of cells, but it's the potential child that you love). With both my BFNs it's ended with AF coming before beta, and it's horrible. I feel so angry and let down by my own body, that it couldn't support their lives. And it does feel like they were a little bit real, I know it's not like I ever knew them, but I wanted to...I felt strangely optimistic too. Although we didn't have a great chance after the first time, I was so positive about this cycle (and I am NOT an optimistic person), and when it failed I too felt so angry with myself for believing in something that wasn't true, and for letting myself hope. When I dragged myself in for the beta there was another woman waiting for bloodwork, obviously cycling, with a baby in her arms, and I pretty much lost it. I don't know what to do with the sono picture, last time we put it on the fridge, and it was horrible taking it down. This time we kept it in a file, and never looked at it, but I know it's there. Your post struck so many chords with me.

    I can't imagine how horrible it must have been to have 24 hours of hope in the midst of all that and then to have your hopes dashed again. Sometimes this IVF process makes me think that there is something very negative in the universe that enjoys making us suffer, because some of the things that happen to us during this process seem calculated for maximum pain.

    It will feel less raw than it does now. In my case I find that every day without adding extra hormones to the body helps with some of the emotions (it doesn't take away the pain, but it's a bit easier to handle as the mood swings stop). Look after yourself, and try not to be hard on yourself - it's not wrong to have hope and be positive, it's human, and maybe it made the cycle easier to bear... And it wasn't anything you did that made it happen, it just happened. Sometimes the embryos look good, but they aren't quite right, and so they can't make it. You did all you could for them, and if they'd made it, you'd have given them a lovely life. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you and dh can be good to yourselves this weekend. Take care.

  3. I feel so awful for you and fully understand what you are going through. I have been through 5 BFN's and it is heart wrenching each and every time. I wish I could say something that would make it easier for you, but I don't. Life sucks and it is just NOT fair!!!
    Try to do something this weekend that you really enjoy and can maybe allow a few moments to forget all that you are going through. I am sending you lots of hugs and always know.....we all understand and know exactly how you feel!!

  4. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I also felt like I could have written much of your post.

    It all seems so random and fairness has nothing to do with it. I don't know what advice to give you since I'm dealing with it myself and not doing the best job. I can say that it was nothing you did. I have been repeating that to myself over and over again too, because it's hard not to want to blame someone or something.

    Good luck and I hope we all find peace of mind eventually.

  5. I, too, feel like could have written a lot of your post, Amor...I had my BFN today. This was try #2 (this one was a frozen ET) - the 1st one ended in a miscarriage...and that's the one that I can really relate to your post with. I/we still have 3 more frozen embies, but I'm questioning if I really want to try again...this is SO emotionally rough (to say the least). I think I gain 20 lbs every time I go thru it.

    Anyway, I just had to respond & say I feel angry, sad, confused, frustrated...and defective. This whole thing is so hard and it seems so easy for so many others, even though I know it isn't. We are going to see the Doc on Thursday to discuss next steps and/or options. Hopefully my mental state has improved by then.

    And I hope you are feeling better too. Hugs to you...

  6. I'm so sorry. I understand all your feelings. I just got my negative today. I already knew, took a bunch of HPTs, but nothing prepared me for the sadness I was going to feel today. I am just at a loss.

    Hang in there.

  7. Quote:
    I pinned the sonogram pictures of my post transfer embryos to my bulletin board above my desk. I can see them in there as plain as day. As stupid as this sounds, I would talk to them when no one was home, ask them to give me a chance to be their mommy, promise them that I’d take care of them.
    This got me crying for you-I too did this and can totally relate to the feeling of takling to the pictures....I really have no words other than I'm really sorry you are going through this....but that doesn't quite cut it. I once had a friend explain to me that I was "mourning the loss of my unborn children, the hope they instilled of a future with them in my life". I felt that summed it up....you are mourning the possibility of what those pictures stood for. The fact that you got a positive beta due to the chemical just adds to the pain. Please take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself and reach out for comfort to those who you need most. I wish I could give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I truly am very very sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

  8. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went through numerous beta tests with low numbers over a period of 3 weeks before they finally performed an u/s and yet another blood test to confirm what I feared. It was so heartbreaking to go through those weeks of watching my beta rise so painfully slowly, willing it to be higher next time. There was a part of me that knew it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy, but I still hoped. I still prayed. And I still tried to remain positive. Then the dreaded call informing me that my beta dropped. My heart felt crushed.
    I feel so deflated, cheated, and angry. I've cried, I've drank myself into a stupor, and I've taken it all out on poor husband. I've questioned everything from my faith to my marriage. Why couldn't the first beta test have revealed those same negative results? Why did I have to go through weeks of torture?
    I still have no answers. I wish I could give you some words to comfort you but as you can see I am not doing so well myself. You are not alone and if you were next to me, I'd hug and cry with you.

  9. i totally feel your pain. but i didn't have to watch it slowly rise, it was bfn today but still very painful. especially after the 4 wk m/c after FET 4 months ago. i am so done with all of this. it is so horribly painful that i can't imagine going through it again. this just sucks. i have also questioned my faith, my decisions on even going through with all of this IVF BS, so many things.
    i am so so sad and so so angry.

  10. I just got through my first ivf cycle and got a bfn today...I cried for an hour and a half straight and then I started yelling at God...I don't understand why he won't give me this miracle???...they transferred 2 great embies but I had a very difficult transfer (my cervix going into my uterus is not straight,its a loopy shape)...maybe that's why it didn't work...I can't even imagine starting another cycle right now but I know that feeling will pass...I have disappointed so many people...I need to go away!!

  11. Dear MrsV
    I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that it didn't work out for you. We got our bfn's on the same day. You have to allow yourself the freedom to be angry. But be angry at the situation - not at yourself. You haven't disappointed anyone and NONE of this is your fault. Lean on your family and friends (both in real life and your "virtual buddies" here). Also, don't question your faith. Pray for strength and insight. Your prayers will be answered. I'm really pulling for you. Post back and let me know how you are feeling.

    So Fly Girl

  12. Thanks SoFly
    I'm better now that i started the work week...although AF came today and it was like a laugh in the face again!! And no one warned me how heavy and painful this period would be...all i can think about are my tiny babies just being swept away from me...we go next wednesday for our mini-consult with our RE to find out what happened (if they even know!) and what they will change for next cycle. In the meantime, I'm starting to research and savings programs for meds online because we've reached our max on those...any suggestions?

    I am so sorry for your negative beta...and thank you for your kind words...somehow we will get through this...and we will be better mommies because of it was this your first ivf?

  13. Dear Mrs.V

    This was my first complete IVF. Meaning that I had two cancelled cycles prior to this! I believe I fall into the category of "poor responder". I'm going to have a phone consult with my RE next week and I also had my records sent to Dr. Davis at Cornell. I just want to get a second opinion. Are you going to take some time off or get right back into it?


  14. Hi SoFly

    We are going to take this next cycle off...we just need to have a month of normalcy (what's that right??!) And figure out what happened...the more I think about it, the more I feel my transfer is the reason. My ET took 2 hours...VERY difficult...they were ready to put me under anesthesia. As soon as I get my next AF, we will start again and hopefully have a better protocol...who is your RE now? I've heard good things about Cornell...let me know what your RE has to say...we go see ours wed! Take care

  15. Right now I see Jamie Grifo at NYU. At Cornell I am going to see Owen Davis.
    I\'m just hoping that a fresh evaluation will somehow elucidate a solution for all of this!

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