I am scared

(10 posts)(8 voices)
  1. My son died in March at 8 months old of a cruel genetic disease. Our only child. you can see him on you tube "sweet baby Jaden 1". Grief sucks.

    My husband and I just got a positive pg test on Wed after doing our first PGD/ IVF cycle. We implanted 1 girl and 1 boy. (both free of the disease) The nurse said she thinks the beta number 98 suggests a singleton. I am now having nightmares about which one survived.

    My question is. Did any of you find it strange or scarry to love another child. If you had one of the oposite sex did you love them more or less or what? I am just afraid, I miss my son so much, I don't want to punish my next child for that. Did you have to do anything to adjust? Did you fall apart in the birth?

    Thank you for your help.

  2. I'm sorry no one has posted yet to you.

    I'm so happy you are pregnant and at the same time, my heart weaps for you. I watched your video last night and cried for hours. My heart still hurts for your loss. I'm SO SORRY.

    Just know that some stranger in Arizona has your baby on her mind and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

    I just gave birth to my 2nd child....2nd baby was born was problems...I LOVE THEM both just the same...I know it's not like your situation but we are moms and we will LOVE!!

    Please keep in touch.

    Jenifer
    babydustgirls.com

  3. I want to let you know that you love your children the same, try not to be so scared. Your new baby will forever be in your life and your son will forever be in your heart.

    I want you to know will pray for you and someone in Oklahoma knows everything will be alright

    Cara

  4. I hope that you are still checking this board and reading the posts that have been written.

    Please know that someone in New Jersey is thinking of you and wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy (to be followed by a healthy and happy birth).

    Even though I have not experienced what you have gone through I know in my heart (as a mom) that you will love this child completely...that baby regardless of whether being a boy or girl growing inside you is the pure LOVE your dear soul and heart needs to heal. You need (him or her) and (he or she) needs you in order to live. Once you lock eyes I think that you will resolve most of your concerns.

    God Bless you and your family.

  5. jaden's mom - first off, I'm so sorry for your loss of Jaden. One day I promise to watch your video - today I'm just not strong enough.

    I too have been wondering the same thing (though we lost our boys much earlier and certainly didn't have the time to bond as you would have) and I'm sorry too that I didn't see your post earlier.

    I find with my recent pregnancy I just don't have the same feelings as I did with my first. I think fear of another loss plays in the most for me keeping my distance (especially since we had a subsequent loss after our first late preg loss). I've been telling DH that as we near the birth I feel its important that I find a therapist especially if my views haven't altered as we progress with this pregnancy.

    I would really like to hear someone's point of view who has actually suffered a loss and had another child. No disrespect but I really don't think comparing how you feel about 2 live children is the same.

    You are not dealing with the concept of being incredibly sad for the loss of your first child(ren) while at the same time trying to find happiness and appreciation in your new child(ren).

    You are not dealing with the thoughts of guilt that one day you may (even for a second) think "thank god my first baby(s) died or I wouldn't be holding this subsequent baby in my arms" or thinking "if my first child(ren) had lived, I wouldn't have to live with so much ongoing pain of loss and even though I wouldn't have this subsequent child(ren) I technically wouldn't have 'lost' them either".

    Its a very difficult and guilty emotional roller coaster and while pregnant its been extremely difficult for me to put this unborn child in the same light as the previous ones (trying to find the simple joy in the fact that I may have a live take home baby one day).

    Again, I would very much like to hear from someone who has actually experienced a late preg loss or loss of a child and had a subsequent baby to chime in. Its not that other's thoughts and encouragement aren't appreciated, but there's really no comparison as to the feelings one deals with between a live healthy baby vs the loss of a child.

    jadensmommy - if your still checking in and have any insight that you've found elsewhere I'd love to hear about it. I hope things have progress smoothly for you and your fears have been completely alleviated.

  6. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine losing a child and then having the nightmares during a second pregnancy. I am crying over your video. Just thinking about you and the strength you must have to deal with all of this amazes me. My dh and I used PGD as well for our ds and in fact were originally pg with twins. Unfortunately one vannished at 11 weeks and I posted about it earlier regarding ways to deal with grief of a lost child. This is what I wrote.......

    Quote:
    After we lost the twin I was very distraught and just couldn't get over it until my therapist suggested I do something to memoralize the twin we lost. We planted and Autumn Harvest Maple tree in our front yard that turns bright red at the time of year we lost our twin. He was already named so I wrote a letter to him about how we would always love him and that he would be in our thoughts and with us forever in our hearts. I put the letter in the hole we dug for the tree-so the roots of it would grow around the letter from my dh and I. Now we take family photos of the three of us (dh, ds and I) in front of the tree on a regular basis. We also call that corner of the yard "Michael's Tree". It's just something tangeable that you can do to let go and move beyond the loss. It may sound silly or stupid-but it really helped me-I occasionally go out to the tree and talk to "him" and tell him we love him and that we are still thinking of him.

    I am not sure if doing something like that will help you but it is something to try--then on days when you are having trouble-instead of being afraid of taking out your grief on your next dc you could go out to the tree and say a little prayer or just tell him you love him and are thinking of him. You may also want to talk to your next child about how the tree represents the brother they had and how he is always watching over your next dc.

    I don't know-I am just feeling awful for your loss and really reaching for an idea to give you some hope. Please know that I am thinking of you and feel free to pm me if you ever need to vent or talk openly about any of this. Bless you and your family and many congradulations on your pg....it may be bittersweet right now but in time you'll get through the grief and love your next child so much. Take care of yourself. <<<Hugs>>>

  7. Hi. I am so happy that this post caught some eyes. I am now 25 weeks along and just 2 weeks ago it was finally confirmed that this baby did in fact escape Krabbe disease. Now I only have to worry about the other 10 million ways he could die!!!!!! I feel like I have only been able to enjoy a small bit of this pregnancy. I haven't even been able to name this baby and find it hard to smile becasue I miss Jaden so much that I feel guuilty about slowly falling in love with this baby. But I think I am anyway, and I am just hoping that when I see him, I will fall deeply in love with him, like I did with Jaden.

    I would say that I can identify completely with nadiafilipfa. This pregnancy is not the same and I find myself not being able to join in with the other happy go lucky, expecting mom's who have no clue how cruel life can be. If I find my self smiling about this baby one moment and then I look up at Jaden's picture on the wall and promise him that I won't ever love any one more than him.

    I am not sure what in the world to do with his room. I can't pack it up and I can't reuse his things. I don't want the new baby to take over his space.

    I have had a difficult time when EVERYONE asks, "oh is this your first child?" I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that my sweet Jaden is dead and everyone should be able to see that my soul has been ripped out. I am a very blunt person, so I usually just say , "no , my first born is dead."

    I am doing everything in my power to prepare for this little one. He is wanted. I want him to be loved on his own and not have to live in the shadow of his beloved big brother in Heaven. I do not want him to be a replacement child, because he is not. I never ever want him to look at me one day and tell me that I loved Jaden more. (exept maybe that would be great because that would mean he would have lived long enough to say that to me!) For now I call him "baby eight" because he was the eighth embryo. You can meet him at missingjaden.com. I blog on there regularly.

    nadiafilipfa- My therapist seems to think that the very desire to WANT to love this baby the right way is a great indication that I will, and if I should stumble along the way, I will be able to adjust. After all that is all life is about without our sweet babies..............adjusting. I don't think I will ever heal and quite frankly, I don't want to. We will just spend the rest of our lives ajusting to life without them. One breath at a time is all I can manage.

    Thank you for all of the love and support you all have shown. Us "childless mother's" love to talk about our children and doing so keeps them close to us. -Lisa

  8. I am sorry that you are all going through this. We lost our 1st DD in 2005, I was 35 weeks pregnant when we discovered that she would not survive and she was still born at 39 weeks.

    I supposed that I was never happy with my first (well it was actully my third following 2 early losses) as we had problems from 20 weeks but went for IVF 6 months later and it worked. Never the whole way through did I relax and even though this pregnancy was more 'normal'.

    Yes I had the same, is it your first and always wanted to answer 'Hopefully', but was usually too reserved to say anything but yes.

    My second DD was born in 2006, the delivery was a bit of a mess because I still didn't believe that anything good would come of it, but she is now here and healthy.

    I always wonder if our first DD was healthy what she would have been like, but it doesn't help because she wasn't. I also wonder if she had lived even for a short how my path would have differed, as may not have DD2.

    I don't think that I can pin point when I first fell in love with DD2, I am not sure it was instantly, I still expected it all to go away, but now after 2 1/2 years that thought is on my mind less.

    This will be the first year that we take DD2 to our first Daughters graveside and she will ask questions, on previous times she has just played. This time she will ask why mummy is so sad.

    Thinking of you all as you travel on this journey, wishing a happy ending you deserve this time.

    Diane

  9. Ladies - thank you dearly for your replies (despite this being a revived old thread).

    Lisa - I'm so glad you posted. I couldn't find any update on your pregnancy and of course thought the absolute worst. Wonderful news to hear that your little one is free of the Krabbe disease.

    So many things in your post resonated with me I can't even begin to pinpoint one item in particular. Just know that your comments are so obviously 'normal' from one childless mother to the next (I love that description and plan to use it in the future if you don't mind). Best wishes on the next 15 weeks.

    Dianne - thank you so much for your story. I'm so torn about wanting a boy or a girl. On one hand I'm afraid to cross over that line of "replacing" our boys but on the other I really want to have a piece of what 'could have been'. Seeing even the smallest facial features of our two lost boys in another boy would be so bittersweet. I appreciate your story because it not only deals with my fear of a subsequent child, but also of a same gender child.

    RR - I very much remember coming across your post when you lost one of your twins. At that time I wanted to reach out to you but thought the story of losing both babies probably wouldn't be that encouraging. In the end know that I was thinking of your and your loss and I'm so very happy for your ongoing pregnancy. Thanks for the ideas. We've planted a number of things for our boys (lilac trees, 2 tulips each year) as well as made an effort to set up a small donation gesture at Christmas time in their names. Since we lost them around Christmas and we were dealing with much of the pain of their loss during the holidays we opted to 'buy' them Christmas presents, place them under the tree and a few days prior to Christmas we donate them to the local shelters. These types of gestures certainly help with the ongoing healing process and having 'something' to remember them by so thanks for touching on that.

  10. Lisa - I don't know if you'll see this post, but I also posted a message on your blog. Thinking of you and your family on this difficult day. Hugs.

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