Husband not open to DS

(82 posts)(20 voices)
  1. Hi all,Sorry for the long ramble but I am just trying to understand his perspective. If the situation were reversed, I would like to believe that I would be willing to do DE if that meant us having a child together- regardless of whether it was genetically mine.

    This maybe one of those hard to understand male view - female view kind of things. I will give you the male view, well at least my view as everyone is different. I hope this will not inflame anyone.

    Genetic legacy and connection is so important to most men. Kind of an old evolutionary hard-wired in the base of the brain thing. It is difficult to overcome this fear and lack of connection. Men don't experience carrying a child, having it grown in them, and so on. This is why I think, with many women, the use of DE is a bit easier than for men with DS. Women get to experience that they did, even with DE, grow and produce this child, and it fulfills some or many of the emotions and feelings of bearing a genetic child. I also think this is why some women prefer DE/IVF to adoption. Also I think women are, on the average, more naturally nurturing then men.

    Now, I must say that your husband is very fortunate to already have produced genetic offspring, he is not infertile or facing that loss of connection and legacy. I would imagine this would make using DS with you about 50% easier for him. However, he probably still faces the issues/fears (old evolutionary parts of brain) that he will not “feel” a bond for this child, care for it, or worse.

  2. Crazy... never thought of it this way. thanks for the perspective. we used ds for our last cycle which was a bfn and we have 6 embies frozen. he was very supportive and actually made the decision and picked the donor... i think this allowed him to feel like he had some control over the precess. we are considering a ds iui cycle.

    as for the cost we used calif cyrobank and we had to order 3 viles as per our re recommendation... why of we were using isci??? i dont understand the need for so much but any way. it cost 1300 for the 3 viles.

    i would be intersted to know what others paid for their ds if they are able to share.

  3. We paid $700 for 2 vials of donor sperm. We did not do ICSI, the RE required 2 vials of unwashed sperm.

  4. This maybe one of those hard to understand male view - female view kind of things. I will give you the male view, well at least my view as everyone is different. I hope this will not inflame anyone.Genetic legacy and connection is so important to most men. Kind of an old evolutionary hard-wired in the base of the brain thing. It is difficult to overcome this fear and lack of connection. Men don't experience carrying a child, having it grown in them, and so on. This is why I think, with many women, the use of DE is a bit easier than for men with DS. Women get to experience that they did, even with DE, grow and produce this child, and it fulfills some or many of the emotions and feelings of bearing a genetic child. I also think this is why some women prefer DE/IVF to adoption. Also I think women are, on the average, more naturally nurturing then men. Now, I must say that your husband is very fortunate to already have produced genetic offspring, he is not infertile or facing that loss of connection and legacy. I would imagine this would make using DS with you about 50% easier for him. However, he probably still faces the issues/fears (old evolutionary parts of brain) that he will not “feel” a bond for this child, care for it, or worse.

    You have made some good points. It sometimes feels that after a pregnancy is achieved, the role of the male partner is diminished, as attention shifts to the mother. I would think that DS would exacerbate those feelings.

    -spirosm

  5. we plan on spending about $6000 but we are getting 12 vials of the one we like so we have multiple tries and/or sibling possibilities later

  6. Hi all -

    new to this thread..which DS bank do you all go to? would it have a website where you can look around whether they have donors from your ethnic background?

  7. I would caution against buying a super large quantity of frozen sperm. Many couples have had to switch donors because something just wasn't working and the switch was the change the prompted the BFP.

    Since donor sperm is our only chance at conception (lesbian couple) we actually went through 3 donors before I got pg (from three different banks). Friends of ours also did not conceive until they switched donors. Now they have leftover vials of a donor they didn't use, weren't successful with, but have to pay for storage for until they figure out what to do with it.

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