spirosm--I have to say that, though I don't agree with your attitude (and what difference would it make--you feel as you feel, I know!) I admire your clarity. I doubt that your wife actually feels that you are not special. But I get your point.
Killinga, I have read your thread over the days (weeks?) with such interest, such empathy, and deep sadness for you and your husband. Having been in your shoes, so long ago now, hearing you describe the pain you are both going through brings up my old wounds so freshly. It amazes me how the sting of IF is so easily resurrected.
My former DH was sterilized by chemo, so once we knew that, there were three options--no child, adoption, and donor. I jumped at donor and the chance to be pregnant, and I think he was so stunned, and so grief-stricken at his own lot in life, that he just went along with it. I suspect, now that many years have passed, that he, too, would have been happier to just let it go or adopt; that doing DS was deeply difficult for him. He had already been traumatized by cancer, and becoming sterile must have made it seem like a cruel joke that he had survived. He became so withdrawn and pulled away from me; our marriage became deeply lonely for both of us. Though we sought counseling, it really didn't get to the deeper issues, and once our names came up on the donor waiting list (in 1985, there was no cryopreservation, we had to go with fresh DS through a hospital program), I became even more obsessed with getting pregnant.
He was thrilled with our son and loves him a great deal. But I finally had to leave that empty relationship, when our son was 9, and their relationship has really struggled over the years. I wonder sometimes if it is only his (ex-DHs) emotional unavailability, or if he feels that our son is not really his. They are *very* different; our son is brilliant and intellectual and kind of unusual; his dad (ex-DH) is smart but not an intellectual, and kept trying to teach his son to surf and play baseball. It quickly became evident as our son reached adolescence that his dad had (and has) no idea who he is, what he is really like. It breaks my heart sometimes. I'm proud of my son because now that he is reaching adulthood he is making an effort to spend time with his dad and bond in whatever way he can. He sees him as his dad, he grasps his weaknesses, he even understands to some degree why our marriage didn't work out.
Sorry, this must seem like I'm just rambling and hijacking your thread. I guess my point in writing is to tell you that if you and your DH cannot come to terms on this topic, I would humbly advise you NOT to pursue the pregnancy just now (unless you are old enough that you really don't have time). As spirosm pointed out, this issue will not go away unresolved. Though your DH could probably come to love any baby that came into your home, the unresolved feelings about himself and your relationship WILL affect your future.
I'm sorry. This probably isn't much help. I wish you the best.
Emily
Christopher 21 (the light and joy and heartache of my life)
Lizzie and Katie 4y 10m (not my bio babies, but oh, how i love them)