Husband not open to DS

(82 posts)(20 voices)
  1. Has anyone had the problem of wanting kids but your husband has been completely against using ds? We found out that he can't have kids, but he is against anything other than biological. Is there a solution to this problem?

  2. Thanks for the reply.

    My husband and I talked last night about the situation and he said he is not open to anything that is not biologically his. At least right now, that means no donor and no adoption. I tried to explain to him that situation that we are now in, he can't have children and I need to have some. He began to say that maybe his opinion will change in a few weeks. I have made an appointment to go see a counselor about this subject to see if we can speed his decision up a bit. I can't and will not stay married to a man that stands in the way of my only dream of becoming a mother. If a husband is going to do that, than I don't feel as though he is taking my needs and my feelings into account.

  3. killinga... it's not easy position to be in .... to be the female partner in a MFI situation. Having a baby is a very female thing... but dealing with MF is very difficult. I'm currently preg with donor sperm embryos... my DH has NOA - no sperm production only spermatids... we tried twice with his sperm and nothing. Very , very sad, as you can understand. We put the only two embryos back (donor sperm embryos) one was day 4 on day 5 and one was JUST becoming day 5.. and both took. Am 11w3d. My DH could not be MORE thrilled. It was VERY hard for him... very. But he is adopted... he wanted to have children and wanted to have mine at the very least... it is not easy to get there.

    There are a few more threads on here you can read through.. it might help.

    This one is very current and on the Male Factor thread.
    Hypertension & low fluid

    There are lots more on this Donor Sperm thread.


  4. killinga...

    I know where you are coming from. My DH & I went to see a specialist today to see our options. DH had a failed reversal, so we have to do IVF or use donor sperm. Cost wise I think donor sperm is the way to go, but he also is not sold on that. I'm at the point that you are at... if we aren't going to try I'm going to have to leave the marriage. DH has 2 kids from a previous marriage, but I need to experience being a mother too!! It's strange, but they gave me an internal ultrasound today and I got excited thinking... WOW! This could be for a real baby one day perhaps.... It's hard and it consumes your mind!

    Marilyn... that is wonderful that you are pregnant and your DH is thrilled. Was your DH against it at first?

  5. hi harokal,
    well, no, he wasn't against it... but we both wanted to try IVF/ICSI with his spermatids from mtese as long as I (and he) could tolerate it. We did once, then second try, half and half with donor sperm. I guess it was gradual.
    We were told right at his diagnosis that if was IVF/ICSI or donor sperm. That was March 1/06. June he had the mtese. Sept/Oct BFN#1. Dec/Jan 50/50 cycle. It was the months of October and November that was SOOO hard on us. Lots of fighting, me going crazy, lots of crying, researching... he wanted us to be happy... I was willing to suffer through another IVF and another if he wanted me to. We felt the best compromise was the 50/50 cycle.

    So, it was gradual. He was never against it. He's thrilled to be having our babies... no matter what. As some background, he has been dealt some major challenges health-wise in his life before this... and so I think he has a 'I will rise above this, too'. It was my first real challenge in life (I've been lucky) so it hit me harder.
    This is a REALLY hard journey. But the balance between what both spouses want and need is really important. A marriage will have a hard time lasting without that balance.

  6. M:

    I'm finding that with my DH again!!! He's 48 and feels he's tooo old to have another baby. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage. I'm 32 and never had a child and have dreamed about it. He told me today that he needs a couple weeks to think about it, but I have a feeling he'll back out. It hurts SO badly that I hear his kids call him Dad, etc. and I don't have that!!! It's soo much!!!

  7. hi harokal... do you mean that after few weeks of thinking about it that he'll back out of doing donor sperm?? Is there any chance that you would do IVF/ICSI? Cost, i know, is a huge factor. Just thinking that if he's willing to go through the vas reversal attempt, that maybe he'd be willing to go through a tesa to get enough sperm for a couple of ivf cycles?
    The age difference and life experience diff (i.e. his been there, done that feeling with children) must really make it hard.

    Keep me posted on what transpires over the next couple of weeks. Like to be there for you anyway I can.

    Its not a easy road to travel, let alone without support.


  8. dimopoulos ~ My dh was also not keen on the idea of using ds. We did a vas reversal (he never had any kids previously, but one of his ex-wives couldn't take the pill...she went on to have an 'oops' baby when single - grrrrrr!..anyway, I digress...). The reversal was sucessful for awhile as far as sperm being present. Mind you, this was in 1986, and I don't think they tested for anti-sperm anitbodies. After a couple years, there was no sperm again (and the doctor looks at the file and says, 'hmmmmm, we never froze any?'). I actually suggested using a needle to extract sperm, but I was before my time....they weren't doing TESE at that time. ( think he stole my idea and is making million$$$$$$)

    I suggested DS but dh said no way.

    About 10 years later we heard about TESE and went to see an RE. Waited a couple of years (stupid I now know) and then did my first IVF at age 40. Didn't know that I had uterine polyps (which act like an IUD) and had a chemical - though they just said it was negative.

    Did a ZIFT cycle, 2 DIUI (A bit late at age I still unknowingly had the polyps). Went to a clinic for a cycle with donor blasts and that RE found and removed the polyps. BFN....went ahead and did another cycle with my own eggs and dh's sperm at a month shy of 44. Why, I'll never know.

    Finally did a DE + DS cycle (plus acupuncture and Ivig to treat immune issues) and have a dd who will be 3 in July. Dh an I love her as if she had our doesn't make a difference. I think maybe it is a bit easier to deal with since she is not 'half' dh's or mine, if you know what I mean.

    It would have been a lot easier and a LOT less expensive to use DS when I first proposed it, but it is what it is. I have to believe that dd was the child meant for us...and that we were meant to wait 17 years to have her!

    I can't say what changed dh's mind, since he did finally agree to 2 DIUI cycles. I think once we started in with treatment and had 2 failed IVF's, he either saw how much I wanted a child, or he realized how much he wanted one.

    I don't know that you can change a person's mind, and who knows why we feel the way we do about certain things? DE was suggested to me after my first failed IVF and I wouldn't consider it at that point. It took me several years and several more failed cycles to come to that point.

    I hope that counseling will help you sort this out. Will dh be going with you? It is not an easy thing...and I understand how hurt you can feel when your partner doesn't support your need to become a mom. I don't know if this helps, but I was in your situation years ago when the only thing available was DS and he said no.

    Good luck, and I hope things work out for the best.

  9. well just to update everyone.. We have been going to counseling, but nothing has changed. We are undergoing our third ICSI cycle, with PGD. The retrieval is tentatively scheduled for the 16th of july. If that doesn't work, and DH still is against anything.. then divorce is definite. I am so depressed and angry now, that I am just constantly yelling at him and crying all the time. I just want/need this to work so badly.

  10. Hi! I just wanted to pop in and offer some support. We are going to be doing a split DS/DH cycle in August and it was not an easy road to get there. My DH has said on many occasions that he knows if he doesn't agree than that is kind of it for our marriage. I feel like you, that my destiny to become a mom is not something I can be flexible with. Whether it be via DS, adoption, or any other means - either DH is along for the ride or not but the train is moving and he knows it.

    We are not a couple where I have much say in everything but this is a dealbreaker for me. Does you DH know how strongly you feel?

    I know it can be hard to get your guy to counseling but is that helping at all? We have a great therapist (male) who has really helped DH sort out why he cares so much whether he has a genetic link or not to a child. For a lot of people you have to dig deep to get beyond that but if your dream is to be a parent, that can be achieved without genetic links.

    I know I'm probably saying stuff you already know but I just know exactly how you feel. It took a LONG time for us to get where we are with DS and as it is my DH wants to know nothing and have nothing to do with it in the sense of cost, choice of donor, etc. Do you think it would help if you said you would take care of everything and have DS there as a back up? I told my DH that we don't have to find out if it's his or a donor until after the baby is born and by then I'm hoping if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant than DH will love that baby already and won't care as much about the genetics.

    Anyway, hang in there - you have a lot of support here to help!

  11. I posted on your other thread in the Parenting section. My DW and I might need to use donor sperm, and we are not in agreement about it, even after many discussions and a joint therapy session last Friday. In my case, I have a problem about the resulting genetic inequity . I am open to donor embryos and adoption, but she really seems to need a genetic connection. I don't know that this can be solved outside of a separation. This is so sad to write about.


  12. spirosm-

    I can sympathize with what a tough spot you are in and wish you find peace in your decisions. It's not easy. I can tell you what my DH and I talked about in our discussions. One is that wouldn't you rather have some known genetic material going in than none? Meaning, at least you would half know what to expect with your wifes genes. The other is that the gene pool is very big and you very well might not get a child that looks like you or acts like you (or even close) even if it was your genetic material. The last thing I would ask is why do you care so much whether it is your genetic material or not? DNA has nothing to do with being a parent. A parent is someone who loves a child and gets up in the middle of the night with them, watches their soccer games, helps with homework, etc. I don't mean to sound harsh but I don't get it. We tried a donor egg cycle before determining it was likely a sperm issue and although part of me was saddened by a genetic loss, it was in no way going to impede my choice to have a family. You need to do some soul searching. Good luck!

  13. Sorry if this appears harsh/dumb etc, but I dont get it either. I mean I dont understand the concept of being open to Donor embryos but not being open to donor sperm - or is it a case of "well if I cant have it (ie genetic connection) then neither can she, in which case is this not a tad selfish/childish?? Or am I totally missing the point here?
    I am now happily pg (with donor sperm) and am no longer with ex-partner (for unrelated reasons). We had TTC for a while and had already decided that should the fertility 'issue' be on my part then we would use donor eggs and if on his part we would use donor sperm. Like lyons, we were happy to try and have one set of 'genetics' in our child - regardless if it was his or mine. Had that not 'worked' then we were also totally open to donor embryos/adoption.
    Everyone is different, but I definitely would not let anyone stand in my way of pursuing DS if indeed that was the only option of trying for a 'genetic' child, so I totally 'get' why dimopoulos you feel that divorce might be a distinct possibility. I feel your partner is totally entitled to not agree to the DS route, but you are also equally entitled to go for it.

    Best wishes to All

  14. I agree that a genetic connection is not necessary to be a parent, but I am concerned that having one parent with a genetic connection and one without is unbalanced. I feel that subconsciously the parent with the connection is the more "real" parent, and the other is an outsider. I realize this is controversial, but that is how I feel. Adoption and donor embryos allow for balance between the parents, while donor sperm and eggs do not. If that is selfish or immature, I apologize. I have no illusions of enlightenment. Best wishes to all.


  15. I know every person is different, but I had a few friends tell me that once you become pregnant those issues start slipping away as life and parenting starts to take over.

    If you are ok with donor embryos or adoption, what does your wife have to say about that?

  16. I'm glad there are other women out there heading towards divorce over this. My DH and I separated in October over having a baby. My DH had a failed vasectomy reversal and is not sold on donor sperm. He uses the excuse of being old now (he is 48, but I'm 33). I get SO angry at him because he has 2 children from a previous marriage, but won't give me the experience. I'm just so resentful and jealous at the same time! I was hoping and praying that I'd be moving back there in a couple months because my lease is up and I would be pursuing pregnancy. On Friday he told me he still doesn't know what he wants and needs more time! I've been soooo patient, but can't anymore! My dreams can't be crushed like this! dimopoulos... I know exactly where you are at emotional wise. It's the WORST thing to feel!!!

  17. my heart goes out to all that have to deal with this difficult decision, we had our 1st IVF/ICSI with DS back up, transfer was thursday. DH had done TESE on retrieval 7/2, but unsuccessfull. he was always okay with having DS back-up, he says it's not the genes that make you a parent, but how you raise it as a family, the love is what counts.
    for us, it was clear we'll try, this is our first child we're trying for.

    I probably would understand too if DH would not want DS and in that case we would just adopt. it's very hard but I think each human being should respect the other's decision, even if it's hard to understand...or try, if you can't live with it, then you can't.

    I know many many couples whom used DS or DE, one or both, they say once you have the baby, you don't even think about the genes thing anymore...

    good luck with whatever you decide and becoming a mom!

  18. hi everyone,

    Just wanted to say I know how hard the decision to go DS is with your husband. We did a 50/50 split on our second round. My DH had successful mtese.. but both times we didn't have any to transfer on day 5... only two to transfer on day 5 of ds. It was a very long, hard road. Can't even describe to those who've never been in this place. My DH is adopted... not to say that made his decision any easier or harder.... but he understands how much his parents love him and his brother... and he's very attatched to his father, who passed away when he was a teen. My DH is a remarkable man... cannot imagine all that he has gone through in his life... and he deals crises much better than I. I still worry about how he'll feel about the babies when then arrive... but that, interestingly enough, comes from my biological bias. It's all I've ever known.... so I naively think that the bio tie must be so impt. I have learned a lot from my DH.

    I am 27 weeks preg with g/g twins... and we are BOTH DELIGHTED!!

  19. I agree that a genetic connection is not necessary to be a parent, but I am concerned that having one parent with a genetic connection and one without is unbalanced. I feel that subconsciously the parent with the connection is the more "real" parent, and the other is an outsider. I realize this is controversial, but that is how I feel. Adoption and donor embryos allow for balance between the parents, while donor sperm and eggs do not. If that is selfish or immature, I apologize. I have no illusions of enlightenment. Best wishes to all.spirosm

    I can understand how you'd feel that way. Just as my dd might some day say to us, "Well, you're not REALLY my mother," in a marriage with some problems (and IF causes a ton of stress, as we all know), one partner might say, "Well, you're not his/her REAL father/mother." Those remarks can never be taken back and would be the most hurtful things I could imagine hearing. If that is how you feel on the subject, then it's probably best that you don't use DS. It is not for everyone and you are entitled to your feelings. At least you are being honest with yourself.

    My dh did not want to use DS when it was the only option for us. I'm talking way back when the only thing available was another vas reversal because TESE had not yet been invented. Even if it had been, we ended up needing ICSI anyway. Fast-forward to when I was 41, had two failed IVF's, and THEN he decides to agree to DIUI. Not the greatest odds. Not to mention that if we'd done DIUI way back when I was young, we'd have spent maybe $500....not the $100,000 that we did. No, it's not all about the money, but I wouldn't have had to endure all the failed cycles and waste a lot of time.

    We did end up having to use DE because by then I was 45. Due to a lot of issues with dh, we also did DS. The most expensive cycle by far, but we were successful, so it was worth it. I do have to admit that neither of us has to worry about the lack of a genetic connection as far as one being 'more' the parent than the other. I would also not be opposed to donating embryos if I have any...IF I can do an FET. That's our big deal-breaker at the moment.

    Bottom line, you do what is right for you. If you know that you cannot handle having a child that does not have a genetic connection to you, then that is how you feel. Being a woman, I understand how strong the desire is to have your own child. It took a lot for me to come to terms with using DE and to grieve the loss of my genetic child.

    Just today it was reinforced again. I was showing someone photos of dd taken on her 3rd birthday. He said, "She must look like your husband, because she sure doesn't look like you." It hurts. I would be nice if she DID look like dh....maybe she does a little because we did photo matching for the DS, but who knows.

    I'm rambling and not making much sense anymore. Just wanted to say that I can see both your side and your dw's side. DS is probably one of the least invasive and least expensive "fixes" for IF. Many people would love to have to "only" use DS to have a child. If we'd done it back when I wanted to, we'd have a 19 or 20-year old, not a 3-year old, and we'd probably have more than one child. Just things to think about.

  20. I cannot comment on those of you who are locked with your husbands in a disagreement about whether or not to use DS. I can't judge since we did not get to that point, but I can share with you that we disagreed on this for some time and he eventually came around to the idea of using DS. It was a matter of a few weeks of discussing it and comparing to some of our friends who have adopted children (either through adoption centers or from previous relationships). This was enough for him to realize that there isn't much of a difference if we both really want a family.

    We now have 2 kids from our first IVF cycle from DS. The first is 4 yrs old and the 2nd is 2, and we are now trying for a 3rd. In the last 4 years, there has hardly been a time that we mention "donor" or anything like that. We truly see them as our children--both of ours. It helps that both kids have come from that first batch of embryos 5 years ago so they look alike, and so will the 3rd (should it work out for us!). Plus, to the outside world, they look like us and no one questions it. We've told our immediate family and closest friends but no one EVER brings it up. No one thinks about it either.

    We can't imagine having done this any other way and we are grateful that we used DS. I know my husband has no regrets and feels as much a parent to them as I do. I am honest when I say that I have never thought of me as a "real" parent and not my husband. It never crosses my mind now or years from now.

    This is simply my first-hand perspective on it. I know I was fortunate that my husband agreed to use DS and, on top of that, that IVF worked for us. When you feel like you had so many obstacles in your way (both male and female infertility), you are truly thankful of having a child, anyway you can.

    Just try to think about what's most important to you and follow your heart.

  21. We had innumerable failed IUIs and three failed IVF/ICSI cycles where only 3 or 4 eggs fertilized out of 16-20. All along, my doctor kept asking if we wouldn't consider donor sperm. DH wouldn't consider it. Finally, it was my turning 40 and going into full on panic mode that forced me to put my foot down and insist we try this route. DH was not happy with the idea at all, but he did want children and he realized that we were running out of time.

    We mixed donor sperm with DH. I got pregnant on the first try with IUI, but we lost her at 37 weeks. Then DH said he didn't think he was open to trying with a donor again. I was devastated. Luckily we were seeing a counselor so we were able to work through that quickly and try again.

  22. spirosm,

    I was wondering how you and you DW are doing? Have there been any changes? How are you holding up?

  23. spirosm,I was wondering how you and you DW are doing? Have there been any changes? How are you holding up?

    We started a new cycle today. The second day ultrasound is tomorrow. DW and I are keeping it low key. Neither optimistic nor pessimistic. Honestly, I don't really feel anything right now. Things are just happening, and I'm going along with them. How are things with you?

  24. well, things are not that good with my DH and I. I had set a timeline for him to decide whether to use donor or to get a divorce and on that date.. he chose Divorce. Then after at the counceling session, he said that he just need more time. So after a lot of thinking on my part ( and a lot of crying and yelling) I have decided to give him 6 months. The problem I am still having with giving him that extra time is that he is not saying that he wants to be ok with using donor.. he is saying he doesn't know if he can be ok with using donor.

    I am very confused, hurt, angry and I feel betrayed, in a way. We are going to a RESOLVE conference tomorrow dealing with donor issues and hopefully something will come out of it.

    I am glad to hear that you guys are proceeding in some way. Is it a donor cycle? How are things on that front?

  25. No, we are using our own gametes. I really don't want to do donor anything. Hopefully this cycle will work. Are you still going to counseling?

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