How many of you would

(32 posts)(24 voices)
  1. be open to "open" embryo adoption?

    Just wondering.

  2. We have 6 frozen blasts and I hope to do an FET this year. If we are successful and have some remaining, I hope to do an 'open' adoption. I just think it would be neat to be able to contact or follow dd's 'siblings', if there were any.

  3. We're a same-sex couple using donor sperm. We've been trying with my eggs for a while now with no success, so we we've been considering embryo adoption. Unfortunately we haven't found any organizations with open donation policies that appear to allow same-sex couples to adopt embryos, and no individuals so far willing to allow us to adopt either. If we were able to adopt embryos through an open donation scenerio, I would think it would be a very neat thing to be able to share information and photos and perhaps even get together occasionally as the children grew up.

    -vesna1961

  4. I would be very open to an open donation. Or closed with the option of a meeting when the kid is older.

    There's the information/history/future medical conditions aspect. But also, being single, I sort of look at open donation as sort of expanding my (and my hypothetical kid's) family. I'm not exactly expecting invitations for dinner, but it would be nice to have that connection.

    ...Lisa

  5. I have two embroys frozen. In a year we are deciding for sure what to do with them (use or donate). DH feels very strong that if we donate (most likely) that it be an open adoption. We are not looking to interfer. We just want to know who their new family will be.

  6. I am a recipent of embryos and I have conact with the donor I send photos and emails through out the year.I am wanting to do it again but this new clinic is closed adoption.

  7. I have an open adoption. We adopted 14 frozen embies 2 years ago, and finally have the timing and finances in the right spot to be able to do a FET. Our transfer is set for May 16th! I talk/email about once a month with our donors. She sends me pics of her daughter so I can see what my kiddo(s) will look similar to. She is going to follow our cycle, and is praying that is works!

    vesna1961- Look into miracleswaiting.org. They don't have any restrictions on same sex couples.

  8. Another vote yes here. I have two boys adopted domestically and have fully open adoptions in both cases. The birthmothers are out of state so visits aren't the norm, but we speak often by phone and I regularly send them pictures and letters. We're hoping to find donated embryos and would only want an open adoption. We'd want this child to have the openess the others do, and frankly, the openess has worked out so well for our family that I simply can't imagine it any other way.

  9. Thank you SO much for voting and giving me your feedback, I sure appreciate it. I am a single woman too, who has 5 embies frozen from my first IVF. I am done with my babies and would only be open to donate if it was open. I too do not want to interfere. I am open to another single woman, a same sex couple, married, whatever..just open! I am so happy that I got your feedback, because I did not know if the open idea was even doable. I feel so much better!
    Betsy and AIdan 13mo

  10. I'd be very interested in knowing why people wouldn't want to have an open agreement - it's so useful for ongoing medical information and gives you leilabess to answers you would never have leilabess to otherwise. I guess I don't see a downside to having that for your children...?

  11. leilab ~

    I also can't understand why anyone wouldn't want an open agreement, but there are many who never plan to tell their children that they used DE, DS or donor embryos. Just my personal opinion, but I think that's a recipe for disaster down the road.

  12. I say this as someone who was told I need to think about whether I would want to donate by my clinic today. Since I have all indicators of being a good responder, they think I have a chance of having extras to freeze. If we have twins or more, I would want to adopt out all frozen emby's.

    I would want a thorough history about the adoptive family. BUT I wouldn't want contact after the donation was completed. I know how thorough I would be in requiring financials, etc. that I would have to feel good about the family and would want to leave it at that.

    If I had to adopt an embryo, I would do an open adoption but would prefer a closed adoption.

  13. The way you described it is about what you'd want from them before choosing them, but think of it from the child's perspective. Even if you don't want contact yourself, what if your family developed a medical history from this point on that would be relevant for your own children's doctor and by extension the embryos you donated, or what if that child needed more extensive medical history for a medical condition they were being treated for. Would you make it impossible for them to get that information, or would you be willing to provide it? If the child were having emotional issues later in teen years and asking questions of a biological family were important to their emotional health, would you answer those or would you be happy that the child had no leilabess to those answers, ever?

    I think for me, it's not about an ongoing relationship with the family, but it's about respecting that the child is biologically from a different background and that there is sometimes information that a child needs that might be available only through contact with you. It's no skin off my back to be able to provide those things to another family and only benefits them, it doesn't mean we're going to spend all our vacations together or whatever. An anonymous donation forever removes the possibility of that happening. Open adoptions can be "almost closed" and have no contact except through an intermediary and only under certain circumstances that you specify, but still leaves the door open for that child's needs to be addressed. Just another perspective on it to consider - once the door is closed, it's closed forever.

    It's interesting because, after having children, my perspective on this changed. I know how many times knowledge about what my husband's family or my own family has going on has helped me parent my children. Although I don't plan to offer it to my recipient, it is here if she asks.

  14. I answered no and then i thought about it and it would be yes

  15. I voted yes mostly because my child may want to know. I haven't adopted embryos yet but we are likely to move in that direction if the opportunity arises. Our DS was adopted and although we don't have regular contact, we know his birthmother. We know of but don't know his birthfather and I sometimes wish I had some more information to tell DS about him. We are currently living in Spain where donor egg is very possible and relatively inexpensive. BUT, the donors must be anonymous and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.

    Anyway....good luck with your decision...
    Somxay

  16. I'm negotiating an open embryo donation with my wonderful MiraclesWaiting lesbian recipients right now. I have been writing about the process at embryodonation.blogspot.com/

    As someone else said, "open donation" doesn't mean we'll spend our vacations together. It just means they can ask me stuff, we can make sure to keep each other up to date on medical issues that might affect each others' kids, and their kids have the option to write to me or meet me one day.

    Here are the terms from the contract that we have agreed to that cover openness. As you can see, it maintains anonymity and in no way dictates to the recipient parents how to raise their kids.

    >>3) you have to notify us of any child(ren) born from these embryos, their gender (and their first names, so our kids can avoid dating them!)
    >>COMPLETELY AGREE TO
    >>
    >>4) if you get kids from these embryos and the kids have any health problems you have no notify us immediately. We have to do the same with our kids who are your kids' genetic siblings COMPLETELY AGREE TO
    >>
    >>5) at least once a year you have to provide us with a picture of your child(ren)'s face(s) and an update on their progress COMPLETELY AGREE TO
    >>
    >>6) I agree to be a "knowable" donor: your kid(s) have the right to contact me at age 18 if we have not had direct contact before then. I have the responsibility to keep my address current with you or the lawyer to facilitate this
    >>COMPLETELY AGREE TO
    >>
    >>7) you have the responsibility of informing your child(ren) that they were conceived from donor egg and donor sperm and that their donors are of _______ genetic ancestry and that they have the right to contact me when they turn 18
    >>COMPLETELY AGREE TO

    It's incredibly traumatic for a child to find out their parents lied to them all their lives and pretended to be genetically related to them. Kids always pick up on secrets like that in families. The info will inevitably come out eventually as inconsistencies like blood type incompatibility arise. And what happens when the kids' grandparents come down with some disease and the kid worries s/he will get it too, not knowing s/he is not genetically related to the grandparents?

    I would never dream of donating to someone who would choose to pretend to their children from embryo donation that they were genetically related to the parents. I understand that people want to have a kid and forget they had fertility problems, but let's consider what's best for the kids, not for the parents' egos.

  17. This is an article about a sperm donation - she knew it was from a donation but it was anonymous. Obviously this person has a lot of anger about it. I wonder if that influences anyone either direction in telling/not telling and in open/anonymous donation? I wonder if it scares away any anonymous donors in thinking that they may be tracked down?

    washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html?nav=hcmodule

    I thought it was interesting to consider whether the author would have felt more secure being able to leilabess information about her donor throughout her life and figure out the answers to her question - or if the issue was that she was born in a single-parent household on purpose. I figure all kids are angry about something that their parents did, but as an embryo donor (we did a semi-open donation), the identity questions and her focus on it through the years made me think of this thread.

  18. (dd ment)

    Hmmm, I read that article and it seems to me that most of her anger is directed towards growing up without a father. Most donor children wouldn't call a sperm donor their "father" (at least I hope not). The fact that she actually seems to want a relationship with him, not just information about him, speaks to that. She also seems obsessed with the importance of DNA...as if all of her personality, hobbies, and abilities come from that....But, that may also be more common in people raised in single parent households who only have one role model. The woman in the article wanted the donor to be a father to her, whether she will admit it or not, and it's not fair to him to expect that.

    And that brings up another interesting point....in "open donations" (I strongly dislike the term "adoption" when it comes to this)...what if the recipients tell the child, the child wants this sort of relationship, like this woman did, but the donors don't. The donors may be willing to answer questions, but don't want to take that "group vacation," meet more than once or twice, have "sibling playdates" or get together for Thanksgiving dinner. But the child is missing something in his/her life, for whatever reason, and has daydreams of a relationship with this other family, esp. once the ball starts rolling. It opens up another whole can of worms, with the child feeling rejected. The woman in the article could handle it (presumably) because she is an adult but what about a 7 year old or 13 year old? Also, I don't think it's particularly healthy for children to have a relationship with two different families. leilabess to information is great but no one has ever convinced me that fully "open adoptions" where the genetic parents act like relatives, is in the best interests of the child. Seems to me it would cause more confusion for everyone than anything else. Thankfully it doesn't seem to happen very often, even with infant adoption.

    We used a clinic to have donor embryo dd (mainly because that was the simplest and least expensive route to take and we were at the end of our rope) and there's no way to turn back the clock now, but even if there was I would hesitate having a completely open donation (with meetings, letters, etc that involve the child) because I don't think it's always in the best interest of the child. In some cases it may be, but it depends on both families and all the people involved. I really liked the sample contract that someone posted above, except for possibly the part forcing me to provide letters and updates. I would probably happily do that on my own, out of thankfulness and respect to the donors, but wouldn't like feeling forced to, and it doesn't benefit the child in any way.

    Bottom line is there seems to be pros/cons to both "open" and "anonymous" donations. It's too bad ART clinics don't take a more active role in facilitating some degree of healthy contact between the two parties, if that's what both parties want. I think then a lot more people would be willing to donate their embryos and it would be the best thing for the resulting children.

    Rachel

  19. as we recently decided to do donor embryo (just got on the listless than 2 weeks ago) i have also been reading these sort of articles. i assume the posted article is the same one from the 18 yr old that i read a few weeks ago. i agree with the previous poster than maybe she is angry because she has "no father." but like my husband and i have said, why is donor embryo different from traditional adoption - a child would still have a mother and father - just not genetically related.

    my husband and i differ greatly on the open/closed donation thing. i am all for open donation, probably because of all the reading i've done on open adoption. my husband wants completely anonymous donation. he wins, only because that is the only option through our clinic. i'm not sure if we did this another way if i could convince him to change his mind. but like i said, not an option anyway.

  20. DH & I were not open to an "open embryo adoption". Somehow things completely changed around Christmas.

    When our agency started doing all our agreements, both couples (us & DP) were asked about "hiding" contact info. For whatever reason, neither of us felt the need to black out that info.

    When I was doing Christmas cards, I decided to send a card to the DPs with a letter of thanks. I asked our agency to mail it to them (at this point, I really wasn't sure if they would be comfortable having us mail them directly).

    When I returned from a business trip a few days before Christmas, there was a photo card on my laptop that my DH had opened. It was a photo of the DPs twins. The bio siblings of our future children. I lost it. The DM (donor mom) also wrote a very sweet note of encouragement and hope for the success of our cycle. She included her cell & email.

    Ever since, we have been emailing with each other at least a couple of times a week. She's described the twins' personalities, sent me special prayers (we are the same religion) and given me tips on how to get th/the 2ww. We've even exchanged recipes and had a friendly NFL playoff rivaly (we're now rooting for the same team as our faves got booted).

    DH and I talked about it and maybe it's because our future children (God willing) won't have any relatives their age that we're ok with this budding relationship. Our lives will certainly be interesting.

  21. It's quite fascinating to me how differently this discussion is going from a very similar one on one of the DE threads. there, more than one poster was completely against even telling the child s/he was the result of DE, so of course, open would be out of the question. and things got a little heated and ugly. i won't go into it- you can check for yourselves.

    but what exactly is the difference, that would make people think so differently about donor embryo versus donor egg??

    i am very happy that our donor egg arrangement is open, if we or the donor initiates contact.

    any thoughts?

    pilma

  22. i think it is because neither me not my husband are related to our embryos. he/she/they will look nothing like either of them, especially since they will have blue eyes and we have brown eyes.

    i, too, find the discussion very interesting. we plan on being completely open with everyone - well, everyone that needs to know - family, friends, dr's etc. i am disappointed that ours is completely anonymous, but there is nothing i can do about it.

  23. We have a match from Miracleswaiting and we are open. It does not mean co-parenting but just that we know each other, we are able to communicate, etc. It is not that she is another parent for our possible child. I do feel that it is important just because we need to know the medical history, our child will have to understand about embryo donation. It is not something that can be hidden, it does not lead to confusion in most well adjusted children on adoption so I cannot assume that it will lead to confusion with children of donated embryos. I would have a harder time with closed adoption/embryo donation since there are a wealth of abandonment issues there. I make my decision off my family's history/reaction. My mom was adopted and her parents pretended that she was their own child. She did not know she was until after she had married and needed to get her passport - in Jamaica they do not give out a new birthcertificate. Then, and only then did she know. It has caused some issues with her and though she is not as angry anymore she does have some abandonment issues. I would rather my child know that the donating parents cared enough to ensure that they went to a good home than to say they just gave the embryo away and did not care who it went to. Does that make sense?

  24. We also found an open donor embryo match through miracleswaiting. At this point, after all the reading and thinking I've done, I'm only interested in open relationships.

    FWIW I'm a former egg donor and had two failed donor egg cycles before moving on to embryo donation. I've read as much as I can find on what's important to donor offspring and everything seems to point towards openness.

    We are all very clear as to our roles and the donors' roles but I think it can only be a good thing for our (potential) children to have as much info as possible. And to not have any stigma associated with how we're building our family.

  25. We have a semi-open agreement with the donor couple. We communicate through a social worker. At this point there aren't any requirements of us as far as what we have to provide (pictures and such) or any notifications that we have to make. But, anytime there is anything that either of us wants to know, or wants the other couple to know, we simply contact the social worker who then asks the couple if they want to receive any information, then she forwards on the info.

    I really like this arrangement--no doors are closed, yet we still feel like we can have our own private lives. We do plan on being completely honest with our child through age appropriate discussions as they arise. Everyone knows that I'm pregnant with an adopted child. Our situation may be a little unique in that we have known genetic problems (DD only made it 7 months), and so family and friends would have been very concerned to learn that I was pregnant again and that we all may have to go through losing another child. I definitely want our child to have the option of knowing the donor couple and genetic siblings when she is an adult. I think it may be a bit much for a child, though.

RSS feed for this topic

Reply »

You must log in to post.