How Can DH Be So $%^&$# Stoic?

(5 posts)(4 voices)
  1. I don't want him to be strong for me. That doesn't help me. I want him to be sad with me. I want him to be angry with me. I want him to freaking MOURN with me. I don't want to feel like I'm walking through this all by myself.

    Why isn't he sad?

  2. I wish I could answer your question but i'm still trying to figure out the answer to this question myself. My DH is the same way and I just don't understand

  3. They just don't react the same way we do... we get through our grief (in my opinion) by living it fully, playing it over and over in our minds, talking to girlfriends or whoever, until the pain fades and we get through it.

    Men seem to bury their feelings, they are much better with compartmentalizing things. I couldn't work at all after my miscarriages, I showed up for work but literally was a zombie. DH functioned just fine.

    Yet, years later (our losses were in 2001 and 2004), he still doesn't like to revisit or talk about our losses or our IVF days, and I feel like I dealt with the grief in a healthier way, like I'm somewhat stronger as a result.

    It's likely that that your DH's are devastated, too, just not able or willing to show it. And that can lead to stress in the marriage - I'm so sorry.

    I'm sorry for both of your losses...


  4. It's likely that that your DH's are devastated, too, just not able or willing to show it. And that can lead to stress in the marriage - I'm so sorry.

    I agree, you really need to let DH deal with the loss in his own way, you can't force it. How would you feel if he told you that he didn't like the way you mourned your loss? I know I was devastated when DH questioned how I was dealing with things.

    When we suffered our 24w loss DH insisted that we 'celebrate' their lives rather than be sad. We both had a really difficult time accepting how the other person dealt with it (though I was more willing to accept that he would deal differently, he had a hard time with the way I handled things...thought I was 'too' depressed, that I mourned 'too' long).

    It was very stressful on our marriage and months 3-10 following that loss were very hard times in our marriage do to the expectations we had of each other and how we thought the other should feel (counseling helped but only because we both laughed about how much we were wasting our hard earned dollars - I recommend finding a counselor that fits you. Ours jaded us too much to try finding another one).

    The irony is at about the 10th month, DH once again started talking about them much more frequently and differently (he was no longer afraid that it would trigger a crying episode from me) and those talks generally resulted in him crying and mourning while I supported him.

    Men deal with it differently and the only thing you can ask your DH is to support you the way you need to mourn and be supportive of him the way he needs to mourn. Most of all, love each other as much as possible. You both lost and you are the only two who lost that much.

    Many hugs.

  5. Erica and nadiafilipfa--thank you ladies. So much.

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