have 5 day old, and older dd giving me super hard time!

(12 posts)(11 voices)
  1. New baby dd is home, and my precious older dd age 3 1/2 is giving me the hardest time. I am recovering from a c-section, have a cold, and am sleep deprived. Just coughing while having this incision has been really painful. Baby was up about every hour and a half last night. I feel awful and the guilt for the older child is tremendous. My parents are here, but dd wants me and is really acting out and I am holding in tears all the time because I feel so bad for her, and because I arm so tired and feel so crappy physically.

    I am an only child and always wanted a sister. I am so happy for my girls to have each other and I know from my last c-section that everything goes back to normal eventually. I just need to get by these first couple weeks.

  2. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I didn't have any issues with my older DS when I brought home the twins but I understand that most people do so it is very common. It's a period of adjustment for everyone. Is she willing to be a helper? Bring you diapers & wipes, pat for burps, fold laundry?

  3. I don't have older children, so I can't comment on that. I can say that the coughing with a c-section incision hurts horribly--even with the pillow I'm sure you're using. Would it be possible for your Mom or your parents to get up with the baby (maybe not if you're bf) so you could get potentially a good night's sleep? 64 is right on with the \"helper\" suggestions I think (or at least this is what my Mom did with me for both of my younger sisters). I really adore the little one (even now and she's 38 ) and I was almost 4 when she was born.

  4. I can totally relate. My new baby is now 7 weeks old, but when we first brought her home, our older girls (4 years) were acting out like crazy. It's still going on with one of them to a certain extent, but the other one is much better. Try getting her to help with the new baby - get diapers, wipes, whatever it takes to make her feel included. Also, if you do have help, hand off the baby for a bit and try to spend a little time with her whenever you can. I know it's hard, but it does get better fairly quickly. Good luck!

    Congratulations on the new addition!!

  5. The age of three in my opinion is a pretty difficult one! My dd was also 3 when baby sister was born. I didn't have a C-section though so that adds a big degree of difficulty.

    Can you maybe play a game, read books, or watch movies with her for a little chunk of time every few hours? Other than that, can the parents take her to some fun places? When you're more mobile, maybe bundle up and take some short walks with her and the baby?

    It's rough in the beginning. I can remember having the baby in the bjorn (which was my best friend with child#2) and my DD crashing on her bike and screaming her head off and me trying to console her while the baby was strapped to me..oh but it will get better - I promise!

    Maybe a new baby doll for her to take care of?

    Also, whenever you're feeding the baby, the older child is magically and suddenly hungry...so have lots of easily accessible snacks & drinks ready for the 3yo! Like bags of goldfish crackers etc.. I also would have DD pick out a book and sit next to me and hold it and I'd read it while feeding the baby...so they're both getting attention at the same time.

  6. So sorry. I was in the same place last year, close anyway with a newborn and 21 mos old son(and c-section - bfing so getting up ALL night - and DD who spit up volumes).

    I agree with all pps so I wont repeat but i will just tell you something that helped me get through those hard times - your older daughter WILL adjust and wont remember these days a year from now when she has a playmate. There were times when I felt like I couldnt give everything to each one - its impossible. But just do the best you can - and dont be too hard on yourself. I wish I had taken this same advice last year. It will get much easier for all of you real quick. Hang in there!!!!

  7. thank you. I am breastfeeding, and new baby is totally predictable during the day - about every 3 hours. Then at night she is up every hour screaming her head off. That is another thread. Thank you for tlling me it will get better. I will frepeat this to myself over and over. I am so tired, the room is spinning.

  8. Can your parents take your older DD out for a little bit each day? Maybe to the library, a children's museum , playground, etc? Getting her out of the house might help. It will give you time to rest and do what you need to do with the baby and after being out of the house for a bit she may be more content to snuggle down with you to read a book or something. In addition to a change of scenery and hopefully some exercise, it will also give her some time to be the center of attention with Grandma and/or Grandpa which might help.

  9. ginocorfiatis, even though you know things will get better, it's not much of a consolation now when you are in the thick of it.

    When we brought our son home (girls were 22 months at the time), we tried very hard to keep their old schedule in tact. So, yes, perhaps your parents can take her out to the park, or to a play group, or whatever it was that she was doing last week before the baby arrived.

    The c-section pain is bad now, but try to limit your time on the stairs and take it easy. After a few days, you will feel better.

    I didn't BF, but can you increase your feedings during the \"wake hours\" and then perhaps she can go longer in the evening?

    Hang in there!

  10. We have just been going through this w/ my dd. She's 3y6m, and ds is now 3.5 months...
    When he was first born, she was excessively whiny, acting out -- all the typical stuff with a new baby. I tried as much as possible to spend one-on-one time with her, which seemed to help. The first few days, when I couldn't really get out of bed, she climbed up into my bed & we watched a movie together -- a special treat for her -- while dh took the baby. Then, as I was able, I started doing \"dates\" with her, at least 1x/week, where just she & I would leave. (I made sure to feed the baby first, then we could go for a couple of hours.) While she definitely still has many episodes of 3-yr-old whining, it seems to be better after some alone time. (She also has \"dates\" w/ dh 1x/week.)
    I'm still feeling so guilty, like you described, and I just hope that she will someday grow to love her brother, and not ask to send him back (which she's already said a few times ).
    Good luck, and hopefully it will get better soon!

  11. ginocorfiatis-I can completely relate to your feelings and the teariness and guilt feelings for your older child. My first DS was 22 months when I brought home DS2, and, while we didn't have huge acting out, I had an extremely difficult time dealing w/not spending time w/him. A huge part of it for me was postpartum blues-I cried at the drop of a hat. I just sobbed when my husband took DS1 to the petstore to get our dog groomed---DH told me DS loved the fish and was running up and down the aisle pointing at them--and of course I just balled because I 'missed' him seeing the fish at the pet store. I was so used to experiencing everything with him and I couldn't fathom how I could possibly divide my time. BUT-here I am 3 months later and doing very well!! Once you've recovered more, your new baby will just hang out while you're able to play w/your older DD. And, your older DD will come to love all the extra attention right now w/your parents. It all balances out, but in the beginning it can feel overwhelming!! Hang in there!!

    I second the recommendation of throwing some toys/books in a bin and having them on the bed w/you or, near where you nurse. My DS flips through books or plays w/cars while I nurse. But, he also loves to sit RIGHT next to me and say hi to his brother.

    DS1-2 years old
    DS2-3 1/2 months

  12. ginocorfiatis,

    Oh gosh, how I can relate! First of all, you are being way too hard on yourself. In all honesty, I felt like the first 3 weeks for me was all about learning how to breastfeed, recover and coming out of a mental fog where my little ones were suddenly \"big kids\". We didn't have any help other than DH and it really rocked the twins' world that suddenly momma could not help (primarily b/c I was ALWAYS bf'ing).

    Things really did get much better around 3 weeks once I could start helping within the nightime routine. One day I just told DH I was going to figure it out, and I figured out a way to bathe all three and from there although crazy, it did get easier.

    DVR was my best friend in those early days and we sort of had to wean the twins off it after Brennan was older and feeding less. We watch really very little TV now, but back then they probably watched about 3 DVR'd cartoons (PBS, 20 min) a day. I followed the contented little baby book routines and was really able to stagger the babies' schedule with the twins which allowed me time with both 1:1 (he would go down at 12, them at 1, he would wake up at 2, they at 3). The CLBB also really helped with the nightime stuff, just in case you are looking.

    I guess the thing that helped me the most was just sticking to the twins' shedule and riding out the first 3-4 weeks ginocorfiatis. I remember several times calling my mom in tears b/c I had yelled at the twins (which I never did before!). Wow how that has changed going from 2-3 kids LOL!!!

    Really though, just take it days by day. I have come to the conclusion that BF'ing is a HUGE committment, and although I'm so glad I stuck it out, it really further challenged that whole transition for me and the twins.

    Liam and Tiernan 3.5
    Brennan 9.5 months

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