Feel Horrible For This....

(2 posts)(1 voice)
  1. hi. ive never posted here before. i have a beautiful dd after 3 yrs ttc and a vanishing tin early with her. had this been my 1st pregnancy, maybe it'd be sort of different. we took a huge risk with her w/ a great response to the meds (inj.)

    this time, i was scared of that happening again, so i was only on clomid (i'm 5'6'' 110 lbs, hard to hold one baby in me lol), and i was SMART this time, because i knew i'd never wanna put myself into the place of deciding on this hole s/r thing. i've always been prolife. so its even weirder for me to have these thoughts. i judge noone on their choices, i admire that noone here judges anybody else, & for those who made the decision you seem content in it, (long run i mean), i just feel weird cause we are talking about twins not beyond here, i know that is much more risky all around, and yes i plan on having the CVS test..i do NOT know what i would possibly decide if both came back normal, but i guess i'm jumping the gun a bit....

    did i mention, nope i didn't..the dr just told me yesterday that somehow, iam having TWINS. like i said i as smart, thinking, i'd rather wait longer, and go thru more cycles, and have one last child, then end up pregnant with multiples and be petrified. ironic as it is...here i am. my dr told me one egg was immature and would NOT produce a viable egg / baby, and that i was working with only one 'ify' egg, so i didnt think id be pregnant AT ALL.

    when i was it was such a miracle we were elated, but my worst fear, though i find them adorable, amazing, heck wish i as a twin, i just know it is not right for my family. a big chunk of why we ttc-ed for a second was to give our sibling the gift of having a sibling, (husband wasn't even 150% sure on it, as i was, so let's just say he's not pleased with this new news of 2, which makes this all the worse for me), back to dd.. she requires alot of attention we are soo bonded, me & her, that the thought of one more to add to it, scared me for her sake, and i wondered how the early days would be for her, but we would make it all work, but now, i feel like, i've done her wrong here, and who would she be now? miss lost in the crowd? sister to 'the twins'? certainly as not my intension. i can't help but admit, since it is early i do hope God makes the right choice so i do not have to, but if it doesn't, i'm really scared. could time change, i mean this just happened yesterday..yes, but i find myself in more fear now, then joy of the pregnancy in general, i feel badly about that, and wish i could snap my fingers and change this. i know people say what is meant to be will be, but ..i just don't know. i've been through so much already.

    1st off, let me just say i lost a son due to during birth trauma, he lived with many problems, including hydrocephuls, CP, and daily seizures...just awful, prior to his passing, and my 2nd child, was born premature and did not survive but a few minutes, after birth. it took me 10 yrs just to try for one healthy child for us, after such awful experiences, i feel cursed, so you can imagine my fears now, thinking about two and how all the risks go up & up. i get heart flutters (mitral valve prolapse), have a narurally high resting pulse of 100+, get high BP, gets real high during labor, my husband is older, $ and just fears of everything just scream..1 baby for us, which is scarey enough after such losses, but God somehow, someway, despite my best efforts which i also feel bad for saying, but everyone i guess knows what is right for them, thought differently. i did everything to put the risks down for both baby and myself, and i failed. i know i should be happy but it's impossibly hard.

    it's still early so who knows what might happen, secretly i hope God knows best and would handle things more naturally. i don't know if iam as strong as you other ladies. but if not, i just don't know, i guess i'll have the cvs and see where that takes us, if God says they are to be. medical reasons would help me to rationalize, i just fear going for two and losing two and how i can't go through anything like losing a baby again!! it's scarey enough but when you double the risks, and quadruple the worry.

    i just hope noone here resents me for having the feelings i have at the moment. maybe one day i'll resent myself but this seems like the only place i can be honest about how im feeling right now. thanks.

  2. ps- casey miranda we went thru treatments also, iui, 6 of them...i wanted to write you but it says you don't accept emails, so if you see this, i'd love to chat with you..we have much in common, and i'm actually sadly hoping one comes back not normal so my decsion could be made much more easilly. BEST case scenerio is that nature takes its course *praying*.

    1 is definstely best for our family and myself in every way to but the thought scares me to death, and maybe losing the other, or down the line..i did everything to not be in this situation, yet here iam. i don't consider this to be abortion, because i believe every woman here genuinely cares about their babies, and us just stuck in a position they never imagined. dealing with infertility...i'd never have an abortion, the thought makes me sick, i hate that word, but i do want a pregnancy just not a multiple one,, which yes i feel horribly guilty, some would adore it, and idk how i would deal with it, i gave up my family, friends, my home, everthing to not abort my baby at 18, with an abusive man as the father, and not a nickel or supporter to my name, with a dire ending, but i loved him and always will desperately. he taught me love, strength, and things in myself i never knew existed. he had purpose.

    my parents are very religious but hypocritically pushed abortion on me but i didn't cave. am i weaker now? idk, maybe in certain ways, im jut more realistic. i could never end my pregnancy right now thru abortion and simply try again...disgusting, so it's nice to find a group ho uses a different term, cause SR IS DIFFERENT, and will understand all my feelings. i hope u see this.

    thanks, shel

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