Donor discussion

(12 posts)(5 voices)
  1. Hi girls...

    DS may be a route that DH will be taking in the near future.
    I was just wondering if any of you had originally decided on disclosing/not disclosing such personal information with friends/family/DC and then after you found out you were expecting, changed your minds(?)

    If yes/no could you please explain...
    Feeling very confused over everything and just trying to get a better perspecitve from more experienced women.

    Thank you to all....

  2. bumping thread....

  3. Hi Tootsie

    I am almost 6w and have changed my mind about three times a day, every day for the past two weeks.

    Aside from still being in complete shock from a BFP (I thought this was my closure cycle) and sick from fear that my beta is lowish, I am also consumed with confusion.

    I had always thought I would just be open about it but there are now two reasons why I am thinking otherwise.

    Firstly after 18 cycles between myself and four eggs donors, I just want to look forward to a normal pregnancy without having to explain myself and I also want to put all the pain of the journey behind me and not think or talk about it and embrace my new future.

    Secondly, I can't forget what a psychologist told me during donor counselling. She said that it should actually be considered as the child's right to decide whether people are told or not, i.e. you tell the child (that is a given for me) but are not obliged to tell anyone else until the child is old enough to make the decision.

    Apparently in recent years it has been noted that some older kids don't care that they came from a donation but express that they would rather it had remained their immediate family's business and no one else as they just feel that their personal business has been violated.

    Sorry if I have confused you more but sometimes it just helps to express mutual confusion.

    Cheers and good luck


  4. Goldie---I want to wish you a warm congratulations after 18 IVF's....I really am happy to hear that the end of your IVF journey is near.

    We don't know yet whether or not we'll need the backup DS, but want to be prepared in any event.

    I understand your feelings in wanting to just embrace your new life, moving forward.

    Good luck with your little bean.

    Anyone else have any feedback?

  5. Tootsie- first of all, congratulations on the bfp! I had gotten my bfp on a fresh d/e cycle. At first we thought about NOT telling anyone but we have told people that we feel would be supportative. I think that if we didn't know the donar we would have most likely NOT disclosed. However my friend is the egg donar and so we chose to tell 'some" people. The only people who don't know are people not close or that I feel can't be supportative. My mother being one of them. So her and her side of the family don't know we've used an egg donar. The Key for me was to find people who are supportative. We will tell the baby when she's older that she was concerived through an egg donar and any siblings as well. We'll tell her before we tell others that pass "judgement' I've felt bad that I've lied to my mom and her fauily but..... I felt I had no choice. My dad and dh's parents and family have been so awesome!!!! If you would like to talk more, feel free to pm me. Good luck

  6. Hi gals---

    I just went through IVF #2, first was cancelled after trigger b/c dh's mTESE failed. We had no back up. This time around we have dh's brother as our known donor back up. Had ER and mTESE Thursday and they didn't find any swimmers. Out of the 20 eggs retrieved, 16 were mature and 9 fertilized w/ICSI. Praying our 9 embabies keep growing strong. ET is tomorrow. As far as disclosure...we are definite on telling the child. We don't want it to be something that we keep from them until they are older, rather we will weave their conception into their birth story. It has been hard for us to figure out who to tell etc. Our immediate family on both sides know and all have been TREMENDOUSLY supportive. IMO, it is no one's business, but I also feel that this is not some dirty little secret I am trying to hide. I have 4 friends that know we used DS. Other than that, no one else will know until my child has the capacity to understand and share their story with others. My fear is that people will judge and feel sorry for us or that my child would always be the "donor" baby, which I don't want. A life is a life...a precious gift from God. I don't want him/her being a donor child to trump that. It shouldn't, but you know how people can be. Dh and I are excited, though I am naturally anxious about many factors. Sorry that I am just rambling feels good to talk about it. Many hugs to all and prayers.

  7. Tootsie- first of all, congratulations on the bfp!

    natasa.mudresa---I'm not. I'm not having ET until late october/early november.
    DS is for backup---not sure yet if we'll need it or not....

    ucenik--so happy that you were able to move forward with your cycle.
    I have been rooting for you for months, and will continue until you get your BFP.

    I love to hear about how everyone handles things--from full disclosure to none at all. I can't tell you how helpful it is to hear other people's story---it gives me clarity in way that I can't even describe.

  8. Sorry Tootsie- I knew that, ugh guess I didn't reapond the first time properly, sorry, but Good luck on the upcoming cycle. I feel that it take estraordinary people to decide to go the donar route. I think it also shows character. We've been trying for 13yrsa and when the baby gets here, it would be shy of 14 years of trying for a baby for us. I know for me, what was the hardest for me to acept until I got to the donar stage was that I'd gotten pg with my own eggd and without medical intervention, How come I wasn't able to get pg again???? Then when our re/ob recommended d/e to us, it took me a while to come around to that. Once I did and after our failed ivf was done, then it was easy to move on. If you plan to disclose before you disclose to the child, I'd rely on people I trust. We kow our donar and are so grateful for her donation of the eggs.

    Goldie- congrats on the bfp! and yes that's a lot of cycle to go through, we never did as many ivfs as you but we did numerus cycle with iui and different kinds of drugs. Good luck with the pregnancy and enjoy! Sounds like you have the same reaction I did when I found out I had gotten a bfp. I'm now 23 wks pg.

    Just- Good luck tomorrow! Do you find it makes is more surreal that you know the donar? I know we sure do our donar is a friend of mine. I remember asking her and remembering how nerve wracking I felt for the time it took for her to make up her mind. Then there was more deciosns she needed to make along the way. It took us just shy of 2yrs from the time I asked her to my bfp. We've told her she can be as much or as little in the pregnancy and baby as she wants. She has come to an u/s I'd done 4 wks ago. She's most likely going to be there for the delivery if she'd like. She has said that she'd like to be "aunty" to baby which is fine with us since my sister is an alocholic and is someone I'd rather not have around the baby much.

  9. Hi Ladies

    Thanks for starting this thread Tootsie, it's helping me too. I hope I didn't rave too much.

    I realised after reading the other ladies' posts that I need to clarify something. I didn't mean not telling anyone at all.

    My sister and their DHs know, and also two close friends so we have a wonderful tight knit support group, as will our child. S/he made need aunts as an extra shoulder if confusing times come along. I hope to anticipate that.

    I was referring to not disclosing to other relatives, friends and wider public. Some have strict religious views, but ultimately I just don't understand what obligation we have to tell everyone. All sorts of people often keep private things within a close circle, why should donor issues be any different?

    ucenik please accept my very best wishes for tomorrow. Good luck and please let us know.

    I want to let you know also that I empathise with your comment:

    "My fear is that people will judge and feel sorry for us or that my child would always be the "donor" baby, which I don't want."

    I have noticed too often that when people talk about couples with either an adopted or donor child they often say "oh they have three (eg) children" and then go on to point out that "such and such was an adopted or donor child" as if they are different in some way. It's not mean to be nasty but there is a definite insinuation of difference which I'm concerned could be incidiously damaging to the child when they are younger. Kids overhear their parents talking about others as if they're different and make assumptions which could be fodder for bullying. I think it's important that the child understands from us that just because we had to take a slightly different route the outcome is no different.

    natasa.mudresa - thank you for congrats. I have first US tomorrow and am sick with anticipation!

    Cheers to all


  10. Hello,

    I hope you dont mind if I jump in!

    Can I ask all of you if your IF was public with all of the close circle of friends?

    We have chosen to keep all 3 cycles (1 MC, 1 BFN, 1 chemical) I dont think I would be able to handle all of the sympathy and Pity!

    I am also finally going ED and should have transfer Nov. Did the people you shared it with help at all??


  11. Gold- good luck on u/s today! Do you have a due date yet? Mine is January 23rd. I'm getting anxious to meet her! I'm curious to know who she looks like, dh, donar or what????

    Jake- our if was kinda public but the d/e has been more sensored. My dad and his gf know but my mom doesn't becasue she wasn't willing to be supportative about us persuing it. So.... to keep the child from experiencing unpredictable behavour from my mom, and her family, I've chosen NOT to tell them. I've told some friends but not all. our situation is different from most because we know the donar. Good luck with you cycle if you'd like to tell, I'd consider people who will be supportative and understanding.

  12. Hello ladies

    Claire I was open about cycling even when I did the first few donor cycles, I just kept the donor part between a few close confidants.

    However, the last few times I just found it too exhausting to talk about and only told those closest. It was better not being asked how I was going all the time, so I really can relate to what you are saying.

    I never imagined I would have to do so many cycles, I just thought it was going to work straight away. I would have kept it quieter had I realised.

    My mom knew about earlier cycles but not about the later cycles or donor ones. She gets far too anxious and then stresses me. She doesn't know about this positive yet but will be so happy when I tell her. I'm saving both her and my sanity by keeping it quiet until I am 12 weeks and things look safe.

    natasa.mudresa, thanks for your concern. Unfortunately my scan showed 6 days behind. I have had a very nervous week but I am now willing myself to be calm and positive, as a few other ladies have said is not that uncommon to be this behind. I have been told on several occassions my uterus has acute retroversion so maybe that made bub harder to see.

    I was only wondering today what she'll look like (I am absolutely convinced it's a girl). She is due to delight us in mid-May.

    The only arrangement I could find was an anon egg donor through my clinic but I do know that she has my frame and colouring which is great, and it's DH's sperm so I can't wait to see what she looks like!

    Best wishes


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