Disclosure poll

(13 posts)(10 voices)
  • Started by smarotsolaki ago.
  • Latest reply from natasa.mudresa.
  1. I'm new to IVF and have recently learned that DS may be a route that DH and I will be taking.

    That being said, I'm curious how some of you have handled the "disclosure discussion" with your children/future children.

    I'm conflicted on whether to fully diclose this information or keep it between DH and I.
    I was hoping some feedback may help me to feel more comfortable with whatever decision I come to....

    I understand that this is a very personal choice, and one that only I can make for myself and (hopefully) future family. I'm hoping some input will help me make a better informed decision.

    Please include your reasons for disclosure/not diclosing.

    Thank you for your help.

  2. We've decided to tell our child - doing so gradually according to our child's ability to understand over the years. It will then be our child's choice whether to share this information.

    We already have a blended family so we think its important to emphasize to all of our children that family has to do with our special bond and not necessarily with a genetic link. Families can be made in all sorts of ways.

    We have written our contract with our donor that will allow any potential child resulting from this donation to contact her once the child reaches 18. We figure, if we are going to tell the child, we want him/her to be able to put all of the pieces together. We also have a two way agreement with the donor that both parties will disclose any serious genetic/medical issues that may arise to the other party.

    Good luck in your decision.

  3. I just gave birth to twin boys via DE on July 2nd. I have to say, it is the most amazing thing and the end result to a long, painful journey over the past five years. That being said, I would go through it all again to get these little angels. The funniest part is, I have no feels of disappointment whatsoever of their not being my genetics. They are my babies, and had my blood flowing through their little bodies while growing inside of me.

    We plan to disclose to the children, and our family and close friends also know. Like SmilingIrish, I have a blended family (two stepdaughters) that I love very much, and it was important to me that they know the background of their brothers. Their mom was adopted to they have very open minds and the love they feel for their brothers has overwhelmed me. I feel that it will only show my boys how much their mommy and daddy wanted them that they would accept such a special gift from a very kind and generous stranger. My clinic does not inform donors whether or not a child resulted from their donor cycle. I hope that this does not impact my children, but two of my closest friends are adopted and very close to their families and never had a desire to meet their birth parents. So, we will take it one step at a time.

    Good luck to you!!! If you have any questions about DE process or anything, let me know!

  4. like the two pps, we will disclose to our children, and have already disclosed to close friends and most family. we will also take the route of giving bits and pieces as developmentally appropriate to the kids, but i have to respectfully disagree with the idea that it should be the child's option how/when/where to tell- imo this is a huge responsibility for a child- who will not have the ability to predict or even understand people's reactions, the long term implications, etc etc. as parents, we will be making that decision for our children.

    i feel strongly that this should not be treated as some embarrassing secret, but as just another way to build a family. i also think it serves a public service function, b/c so many women are so incredibly naive about how long their childbearing years will last.

    finally, in this day and age, there is an extremely slim chance that the child who is not told won't somehow find out- in a high biology class, for example, when they've invented instant DNA tests or something- and children who get the news unexpectedly and find they've been lied to all along are going to have psychological ramifications that are significant.

    you can look at some of the research done on kids who were born from donor sperm and are now adults- and how those who were not told felt when they found out. devastating for most.

    there are lots of women who know a lot about DE/IVF on these boards; feel free to tap our accumulated knowledge base

    GL to you

    pilma

    ETA we used a donor who was willing to be contacted- those were the only ones i considered- when my kids are older, i'd like to take a trip to meet her. not when they're wild toddlers, though!

  5. Amen pilma

  6. Won't bother typing my reasoning out because pilma did a better job of saying exactly what I meant then I would have done.

    Molly

  7. If everything works out, we plan to tell our child(ren) about the donor. I think they are entitled to know the truth and I would never want them to find out from anyone else. It's our story and we should be the ones to tell it. For that reason, for now, we are only telling DH's parents. I think we will talk about needing help having a baby from the get go so it's less of a surprise when we have our discussion. We come from big families and I would be worried about our child accidentally hearing from somebody else. We'll let our siblings & people in our life know as needed once our child knows so there is no confusion.

  8. Thank you for all the responses.

    I just wanted to add that if anyone wants to PM me with their story/reason
    I\'m happy to hear it.

    Keep the votes coming

  9. bumping pole

  10. As an alternative view - we are not telling anyone. No one knows right now outside of me, DH, our RE and my OB. No family, friends, no one.

    My DH and I are very private people (don't confuse that with not being very social ) We simply don't believe it is anybody's business how our children were conceived. Also - if we do change our minds on telling our kids we think they should be the very first people who know.

    As far as eventually telling our children (now 2 1/2 and 3 1/2), they are quite simply our full children in every sense of the concept. So it just doesn't matter. Frankly, the chances of us all doing at home tests where we compare our DNA is not foreseeable. And we could never contact our previous donor if there were some highly unlikely medical situation so knowing couldn't help them in that way either.

    That\'s our thinking. It is a very personal decision so I also understand other POVs as well.

  11. bump, bump

  12. I agree with pilma. we're telling for two reasons. First, I'm afraid that if DD found out when she was older, she would feel like we weren't honest with her her whole life. I don't want her to have the wind knocked out of her when she is older. (Although it's important that she hear it from us.) Second, I think it's good for the process to be proud about it (to family and close friends at least) and treat it like it is no big deal. We have a very open family and very loving (and large). This works or us and our situation. I understand that it may not work for everyone and I totally agree that some things should remain private, too, so I see that side. Just thought I'd post the tell perspective.

  13. We plan to tell dd and any other siblings that arise from d/e. At the momen some family know and others don't. My mum's side don't know but my dad and dhe's side know. I have told a few close friends whom I know are supportaitve and my boss. I am close with my boss. So... that's how we'll keep it.

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