Did anyone move to DE even though OE "good on paper" (m/c ment)

(12 posts)(8 voices)
  1. Hi Ladies,

    I hope I am posting on the appropriate bd, and please feel free to redirect if I am not.

    I wanted to ask if any of you made the decision to move to DE, even though your cycles and OE appeared "good on paper," but you still did not have a success. I am in my 4th cycle with my OE and have had 4 m/c (5 if you count my twin m/c) and am still unexplained, and seem to have really great cycles on paper. However, my body is getting really tired and beat up from all of the stimming as well as the many reproductive surgeries and D&Cs over the last year. Also, I have a lot of concerns about doing many cycles, as I worry about ovarian cancer etc. Accordingly, am contemplating DE and I am wondering if anyone is/was in the same boat. So I guess the short question is, whether it is common to move to DE even though OE cycles still look good?

  2. Hi Trina
    Yes. We moved to DE even though I produced at least 10-13 eggs every cycle which lead to near perfect (looking) blasts on day of transfer. You can take a look at my older posts for more details. We started cycling at 37, near 40 now. I know that most of my eggs are bad, even if they "look" good. We just felt it was time to move on.
    PM me if you would like. We are in our first DE cycle at NYU now.

  3. Trina- I "talk" with 2 women on here under the age of 34 who looked good on paper, but never got pg with oe and moved to de- both now pg and doing well.


  4. Mine were also great on paper, I guess. I did a several fresh cycles and had around 10 - 12 mature eggs each time, 100% fert, all eggs went to blast and I had plenty to transfer and freeze. 100% rate on defrost too...

    Yet, after 12 transfers, I had had a couple of chemicals and early m/cs, and a termination due to severe birth defects at 16w. Prior to doing IVF - I had a couple of early m/c's in my early 20's and a molar pregnancy.....

    We had done all our cycles in Japan so PGD wan't an option and when we moved back stateside I was 35ish.... We consulted at SDFC and decided to move straight to donor egg rather than try OE with pgd...

    So sorry for your losses....

  5. Ladies,

    Thank you so much for all of the information. It is really helpful and give me hope.

    BBE-I am really sorry for your losses.

    bigbird-Thank you for sharing your story. I will PM you.

  6. Trina, i didn't have eggs that were good on paper, or anywhere else for that matter so the decision to move on to DE was easier for us than for someone in your situation. that said, we want to have a few kids, we want them to be healthy, we want them to have a healthy mother, and we wanted our lives back. we knew DE wouldn't be a slam dunk for us because we have a severe MF challenge and i have immune issues. we decided two yellows and a red, so moved on after three cycles w my eggs. also, my mother and one of my sisters are breast cancer survivors and i didn't want to mess anymore with all the hormones in my body.

    i'm so happy that we made the switch to DE. we got our amnio results this week and all is good, 20wks pg w a little boy and 7 frosties as back up or for siblings. DH and i were talking about this last night, we didn't realize it at the time but we were basically in a fog during that whole ttc period. it was so confusing, depressing, all consuming, frustrating, jading, hopeless, helpless...i don't need to tell you, you know how it goes. now that the whole fog has lifted it's such a good feeling. once we made the decision to move on, and it wasn't easy as DH really didn't want to, but we just focused on finding the best donor for us and within 3 months we were cycling with her.

    i hope this doesn't sound like i'm bragging, i know we were incredibly fortunate, and i know you've been to hell and back ttc... but while we went through all the back & forth with whether or not to use a donor, once we made that decision, and moved forward, we just felt so much more at peace. and now that we got the amnio results, and we finally (and only at 20wks) really believe that we might actually be parents soon, we're in a much better place. i feel fortunate because DE was an option for us, living in the US and we could afford it, vs my eldest sister who ttc for years and eventually gave up. we don't, even for a second, worry that the baby can't look like me, or my folks, or have my genes or all the other stuff i obsessed about before making the switch.

    to get back to your egg question - one of the reasons we were 'fortunate' is because my eggs were just so off, SIRM kept photos of them to show how crazy they looked...and when we brought photos of six of the eggs, one of which Dr T thought was normal, to our consult with Dr Davis - Davis couldn't figure out which one was supposed to be normal . both he and Dr Sher and an RE at CCRM said they had never seen eggs that were so 'strikingly abnormal'. it was soooh crushing at the time but the message was so definitive it helped with our decision.

    i hope that your current cycle works and you don't need any of this advice, but if not, don't beat yourself up if you want to move on to DE to increase your chances of success...and don't worry that you won't find a donor or find peace with using a donor. you will, and we'll be here to help you along the way.


  7. Hi Trina,

    I am in your boat as well. I have great numbers and make great looking embryos. The only trouble is that they don't make babies! I had one more cycle paid for out of a package of three and we decided not to use it. I realize that over the years I have harvested about 60 eggs, and done six transfers of "perfect" looking embryos. When I finally decided I would never do it again, I felt a huge sense of relief. Looking through donor profiles, I started to feel excitement again for the first time in ages. I can honestly say that I no longer care about passing on my genes. I do care about the added expense but there is nothing I can do about that.

    I suggest browsing through some of the agency websites and looking at donor profiles. I found a few that I really liked and one that just spoke to my heart. Looking at this woman and reading her words, made me feel like she was already part of my family. It is hard to explain how you can have that kind of connection from afar but trust me, its possible. Right now, my doc is reviewing her medical records and will soon report to me whether he approves of her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

    Good luck to you and to everyone else!

  8. Trina -

    I'm going to echo parts of what a_sourbi and mairead said - once I made the decision, it was such a huge relief, knowing that my chances of success are astronomically higher with DE. None of my doctors had really recommended DE - for an old lady (lord, I still can't believe that at 42, I'm considered an old lady), I had pretty good cycles, produced just enough good-looking embryos and they happily would have cycled me for a bunch more times. But I just couldn't emotionally take it anymore. My last m/c did me in - the thought of putting myself through another fresh cycle with that at the end...

    I cried when I first started looking at donor profiles, I was so happy. All these wonderful, lovely women - I was (and am) ready to have a baby now. Enough rolling the high stakes dice.

    On the other hand, even though I'm firmly committed to my DE decision, the loss of a genetic connection still stings me incredibly. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever lose the sadness about that. I'm it. I don't even have a partner who can contribute his genes. It hurts hearing my family talk about how my nieces look just like me when I was little. I cry sometimes when I look in the mirror. There's a very strong resemblance in my family - my sisters and I are unmistakable as sisters - everyone comments on it. It just feels so incredibly unfair that they are able to pass down this connection, and I never had that chance. But I'm hoping that as with all of the losses that we have gone through, time makes it more bearable. And ultimately, I reconcile it all with a knowledge that my child will be my child, genetic connection or not - he or she will pick up my/our familial traits and also surprise us all with his/her uniqueness.

    You may also want to search for a post on this board that I really loved - about how with DE, while someone else provides the blueprint for your baby (the genes), you provide the raw building blocks and the labor - every cell that that baby is build out of is from you. For me it was a very comforting thought.

    Mairead, congrats on getting past 20 weeks - I'm glad things are going well.

  9. Hi everyone,

    Its funny, one thing I never regretted was that my child won't look like me. I have NEVER liked my looks. I can admit that here. Since you can't see me, you all are not obligated to say things like...."Oh but you ARE pretty... you have an unusual quality" UGH! The mirror has never been my friend.

    There are other things I really do want to pass to a child. My passion for music, my sense of humor, my love of games. Reading donor profiles helped me so much because I found women who shared these traits. I found women who I would have been happy to call sister....or daughter. I saw that I can still pass the important things to my child, both through my love and teaching and through my choice of donor. I also realized that I will not be passing down my family history of mental illness, epilepsy and glaucoma. So while, I am not able to give my child my genes, I will be giving her the genes of my choice. And there is great comfort in that.

    Luck everyone.

  10. Mairead, congratulations! Very exciting..and I completely agree with everything you said.

    Trina, I started IVF with my own eggs at age 30 after ttc for a year. My husband is 10 years older than I am and has two beautiful daughters from a first marriage- naturally, it made me want to have children with him even more. I have stage IV endo and only had discovered that during the infertilty workup, which led to an emergency lap (the first of 2 within two years and between cycles). The embryos I produced during my first two cycles were not perfect but were not bad; but they never went to blast. After two BFN's, I went to Cornell for three more cycles and actually had some embryos make it to blast but with no positive pregnancy tests. My RE there really could not give me an explanation but thought it could be that my eggs were damaged from the endo, even though my levels and response to stims were always good. I pretty much shut down at that point and stepped away for a year.

    I was so sick of my life being in limbo from infertility- it totally consumes you, as you know. I had to give it one more shot and went to IVF NJ. After reviewing my chart, Dr. Darder told me that he would not cycle me with my own eggs at his clinic. After transfering so many embryos and never having a positive result, he had to conclude that my eggs were no good. He suggested that I go to Cornell again if I wanted to try again with my eggs, since I had the best looking embryos there. He gently asked me to consider DE and gave me some information to look over once I was feeling better. A few months later, I did. My husband and I decided that at the end of the day, we just wanted a child together and I really wanted to experience a pregnancy- and that was it. From that day, I was on board and I was at peace.

    I had a myomectomy to remove a uterine fibroid prior to the cycle just to give us an even better chance. The second donor that sent to us was "the one"- my husband and I just knew. The cycle was easy and I finally got to hear those words, that I was pregnant...with twins! With TWO blasts on ice! I enjoyed every moment of my pregnancy and never gave the fact that it was DE a second thought. It was my blood running through their veins and they were growing inside me. The day they were born was the happiest of my life and I am 100% their mommy!! It was the greatest decision I ever made and I was actually upset that I had not made it sooner. I never thought at 30 years old my eggs would be bad...but at 35 (and after 6 fresh IVF cycles and 3 IF related operations) I finally had my babies. We joke that they are the most expensive babies on the planet after all is said and done, but I would do it all over again, even all the heartbreak and disappointment. Furthermore, I would not trade these two little boys for anything- even a baby with my own genetics! They live with me and grew in me and as they grow they will take on certain traits of mine. And it's funny- some poeple look at them and say that one looks like me! Today I had one of the boys with me at a baby shower and someone commented that he must look like my husband because he doesn't look like me at all. My mom and I just looked at each other and smiled. I was surprised how unaffected I was by the comment. Do I ever wonder what they would look like with my genes? Sure, I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind. But it was only once or twice and then gone. (And honestly, they could not possibly be any more beautiful than they are so I am glad that they have my donor's genes!).

    I am sorry that this is such a long post. I just wanted to let you know that of the three RE's I went to, only one mentioned DE to me. And I was just ready. Once you make the decision and commit, it really does bring you peace, just like Kate and Mairead said. Good luck to you, and just embrace the process. When I look into my boys' faces, there is no doubt that they love their Mommy...and that is all that matters.

  11. Ladies,

    Thanks so much for sharing all of your thoughts and experiences. Mairead and Olgag78, your stories are very inspiring and give me a lot of hope. a_sourbi, I wish you much luck on your journey. Kate, my vet buddy, I hope to have a front row seat for your journey and happy ending.

    I will definitely keep you all posted.


  12. Congrats Olgag78, that is such a wonderful post. it is amazing how once we finally get good news we focus on the future and forget about all the pain, and cost. i'm so happy for you!

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