Considering DE, thoughts welcome on pros and cons

(11 posts)(7 voices)
  1. I'm 41 and going to do another round of IVF. Odds are tough, and the cost is becoming important. Our MD friend says DE could be a possibility. This is just a brand new question, thoughts welcome on what you guys considered.

  2. Bendaoud- this is a good thread to read through.

    I am not an "optimistic" person. I am a realist. So- this is my opinion with not knowing your IF history- sorry if I am too candid. At the age of 41 your chances of conceiving a child thru ivf are low, not impossible- depending on your fertility history and why you are doing IVF. At one of the BEST clinics in the country TAKE HOME BABY rate for your age category is 29%, not bad, but not great, but if you aren't at the BEST clinics then your chance probably falls more in the 5-15%, again don't know your diagnosis, just your age and nothing else.

    At the BEST to GOOD clinics donor egg success rates ( take home baby) range from 60%-80% for all age ranges. Even at some of the local clinics success is still around 45-60%. Those odds are WAY better than using own eggs.

    Of course the cost of donor egg is more, at least 5 k upwards of double an OE cycle. You have to WAIT to cycle usually, you have to find a donor that fits your requirements etc.

    However- ifyou do cost analaysis and have done multiple ivf cycles with no take home baby- you would most likely ahve spent less doing a donor egg cycle- b/c success rates are so much higher. ALSO- at good clinics you can qualify for shared risk no matter your age using donor egg, where as you would be disqualified using your OE b/c of age.

    The important thing is knowing the "why" you haven't had success with your OE's. Making sure, there isn't something going on in your uterus, blood etc, like clotting issues, immune issues, elevated killer cells, etc etc etc B/c even with the best donor eggs- if there is some issue not addressed in your body- then you can still have a negative cycle.

    Hope that helps- if you care to share more about your history then may have more info for you.

    I think the major hump for donor egg is that you aren't getting your own biological child. But knowing friends who have gone thru donor egg, when they took home their babies- they didn't care- they were their"s in every sense of the word. Being a mommy is not about genetics or biology, it's about that connection you can't help but have when you love and care for a baby.

  3. All excellent information, thank you. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who did DE and loved or regretted it ? We are going to try again with OE, but may consider DE next. Looking forward to hearing from people, and what went through their heads in their decision making process.

  4. i wish you well on your journey. for myself...i did many rounds of IUI with DS then skipped to DE/DS because i wanted the best chance for a healthy baby (i will be 44 when s/he is born) after a few losses, which i assume to be due to my age and genetic changes. i consider my baby to be my biological child but s/he will not have half of my genes. our bodies are connected feeding each other, the air i breathe, the food i eat, the water i drink, it all supports this new life. it is amazing to think about how this life came to be, a true miracle.

  5. I had no choice but to do DE, dx with POF at 35. I worried I would not feel as though the child were my own, disconnected maybe, but once I was PG, I was so in awe of that little guy moving inside me, those worries were mostly banished. Once he was born, they were fully gone. Now 10 months later, I look at my son and feel nothing but an incredible, overwhelming love and gratitude. To struggle to give up that bio link is normal, but I chose to look at it like this: DNA is just a strand of 4 randomized proteins... waking up to reassure him, laughing with him over each new discovery and loving every inch of that fat little baby... that's what makes you a parent. I'm his Mommy, through and through, I only regret I didn't do it sooner.

    Best of luck with your decision.

  6. This is very stressful and difficult, so it's great to have other people who understand. When you add on the time and $ pressure, it becomes even more difficult.

    For all, what do you know in terms of the IVF with OE statistics for me, about to turn 42 ?

    We met with our doctor this afternoon and it became obvious very quickly that DE is successful, but if we don't have to go that route, we don't want to.

    Wrestling with this decision, and need to decide one way or another in the next few days. All inputs and experiences would be welcome to be heard. Thanks in advance.

  7. just read the thread agin, and jenga states 29%, sorry all. We've talked this over so many times our heads are swimming. Even still, any outside, objective input is welcomed for sure !

  8. momtobe4 - I was in your shoes a few months back. I posted a thread (Jenga also mentioned it below). Those replies guided me in my decision and it is ultimately your own choice.

    This reply by mairead36 hit home (btw, I was given less than 5% chance with my OE)


    "for me i just focus on what i can get out of DE and not what i'm giving up. i've got a 10+% chance of success w my eggs and maybe an 80% chance w DE. hello, no brainer. sure i'd love to have my 'own' kids but that's highly unlikely. in the mean time, i want my life back!!! IF completely and utterly sucks and is literally sucking the life out of me. i'm obsessed and can't focus on anything else."
    Our IF journey was killing my spirit. Every single day was about IVF. I quit my job last Nov 08 to focus on IVF #3 in March 09. I did everything I was "suppose" to do to improve the cycle (acupuncture, chinese herbs, 20 supplements a day, stress-free, yoga, exercise, healthy diet, warm food/drink) but it was our worst cycle. Depression sank in... hated the world and felt that the world and God was against me. I obsessively read the boards all day long but never posted. One day, I just took the chance and asked my question "desperately needing input - OE or DE." Who else would know, but women who are facing the same challenges. I loved and appreciated their raw honesty.

    Honestly, if I were in my early 30s, no liver issues and filthy rich (or have IVF insurance coverage), I would keep doing OE IVF even with a 5% chance of success. I wouldn't care if my stomach was permanently bruised from all the shots, gained 10lbs per cycle, lost all my hair because of DHEA just as long as there was a chance of having a baby. But that's not my world.

    I am a happier person since I've accepted moving on to DE. I've found peace between my mind and my heart. DH was always for it and supported whatever I wanted. DE is giving me the chance to experience pregnancy and a child or children that DH and I can raise together and be a family. My only loss is not trying.

    Goodluck with your decision, it's definitely a tough one.

  9. Wow, this forum continues to amaze me with the honesty and compassion found here. Exactly the type of thoughts needed to be considered, THANK YOU !!!

  10. I do also just want to restate what Les_petits_debr said: 29% take home baby at 41-42 is a statistic that you will only find at a few clinics. Take a close look at your clinic's numbers first. The drop off from the best clinics to the average clinics is much steeper as women age past 35.

    Your success over age 40 is also really dependent on the number of embryos you can produce at that age. Some women, like me, will have ZERO chance of having a baby at 41-42, while others have a remarkably good chance. We don't all have the same chance, unfortunately....which is something I would like to spend my life explaining to any woman over about 25 who will listen.

    You should consider having your AMH tested. Some of the best clinics are running internal numbers regarding chance of success over 40 based on AMH.

  11. Hello momtobe4-

    I'm also getting ready to start a DE cycle (well, start the process, that is).

    Someone else said something that made sense to me (sorry, not sure who it was at the moment, but it was good advice) -- each step you take isn't a commitment. Just get started and you can always change your mind if you are not ready.

    I'm honestly not totally 100 percent sure how I feel about it all, but I'm surprisingly calm. I am quite sure I want a baby. Chances with my eggs are slim.

    Back to your original question, about starting to think about DE. I've had success in OE, which is the only reason I've hesitated with DE. I wish I had moved sooner on this because I am approaching 42.

    Good luck,

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