Anyone getting ready for another cycle?

(156 posts)(18 voices)
  • Started by estradafeio ago.
  • Latest reply from riccardomorri.
  1. Hi everyone. Thanks for thinking about me and the continued checking in.

    We\'ll we've entered into the proverbial beta hell. We do have a positive beta though the clinic is calling it borderline \'low\'.

    I've had a hell of a time with POAS and though I've been peeing on them like a mad woman, its been a mixed bag of results there too and that coupled with the low beta makes me think that it may be a non-viable pregnancy.

    Essentially we've had a + POAS for 6 days prior to beta (and a few negative ones in the mix right before beta) and if the HPT's are right, then our beta is not doubling, not even close.

    I hope I'm terribly wrong about it all but in the meantime I've done my fair share of the 'crazy women' act for DH to seriously think I've gone off my rocker. Ideally I would have waited to post anything until we got our second beta but since (with the labs track record) that may not be till Monday or Tuesday I figured I may as well give you all a glimpse of the crazy woman too.

    I've already mourned this pregnancy even though I know I'll do it all over again when/if we hear our second beta results (apparently they don't call if it doubles fine but I'm going to track it down on Monday anyway).

    deb, thanks for the clarification. We have another cycle already scheduled for Jan (end of) so we may have good timing in further supporting one another.

    Please, I'm not looking for any 'hopeful' stories or false platitudes. For starters, they just won't change the whats going through my head and on another note (as I've heard a wise woman write on these boards) it hurts less to fall from a chair then from a cloud.

    PS - hi to everyone

  2. I've been secretly following your progress. I don't know why, but your words always make so much sense to me. Beta hell sucks, I've been there. Just know that we're all here, sometimes silent, but definitely cheering you on! Keep us updated!

  3. Hey Play-I'm sorry. I'm still thinking of you guys everyday. That is one of the wisest sayings I have ever heard and to whomever said it , thank you. I am sure I will be using it frequently Hang in there for the next few days-I know how awful the waiting game for either way-that's how I was last week-at least if it didn't work, I wanted to know so I could start drinking!!!!!!!

    You\'d think with all they can do now for us "fertility challenged" they'd have come up with a better system of getting results quicker

  4. Play

    Im sorry, and as always we, your fertillity challenged friends, are here still praying, and thinking about you and here for any venting you may need to do.

  5. Play - I'm sorry. Fasle platitudes... I remember not wanting any of those either, so I'm not going to give any. All I'm going to say is....Cry! Cry an (expletive) river. Cry all the tears that your body needs to release, and help wash away your pain.

    I also hope you are terribly bloody wrong, but you are supported regardless. January it is then! We'll have the best support system available.

    Cathy - You are so right about the drinking thing. I really don't understand why technology hasn't advanced enough for us to have results sooner, but I'll save that for another post.

    Debbie

  6. Hi Everyone......

    Play, how're you holdin' up?

    Busy-Any news yet?

  7. cathy - how're you doing?? Are you getting ready for your vacation?? I hope you very much enjoy yourself.

    Jazzy - how are you doing? Thanks for the PM.

    Busy - you must have some answers by now?? When's your beta? Good luck.

    AFM - I haven't heard from the clinic but that could mean 1 of 2 things. A. they haven't recieved our second beta (keeping in mind it took 3 days for results and that's after I chased down the results) or B. things look normal. Either way I decided I didn't want to know. All weekend I felt so detached and sort of relaxed because I knew there wasn't going to be a call. So I decided that I just didnt' want to know sooner than later the possible fate of this pg. I learned long ago that the limbo stage really is better than knowing (of course that's because knowning has always meant the worst case scenerio for me ).

  8. Play-I'm glad you're feeling okay. Its all so stressful, maybe you're right about limbo-I always looked at as being horrible, but I definately do not feel better this week knowing I'm not pg....

    I haven't started packing yet, but def can't wait to get the hell out of here friday. Saturday (6th) was my twins' due date-so, I am having a very tough week on top of work stress (training 7 new people on becoming a 911 dispatcher-not easy). I was feeling crappy like the weather her in Chicago today and got home to open a xmas card from the cousin I mentioned previously on board who are now like 10 wks pg and they signed it with their names, his 2 girls from prev marriages name and a cute giant "?"......my day has been made.

    I sobbed for a good hour and can't even cry anymore. I'm going to start packing tonight to make myself feel a little better, maybe drink a little and hope friday comes soon......I am thinking of getting some real help after the holidays. I keep telling yself I'm normal, and everyones always telling me they don't know how I do it etc, etc, that I have handled everything so well, but I feel like I am going through life pretending. I always feel like I'm acting happy for someone else, or trying not to be bitter or angry )or at least not show it) and I don't think I can do this for another 40-50 yrs (hopefully).

    Do any of you ladies feel this way?????

  9. Cathy - I completely understand and relate to your post. It doesn't matter where I am or how much someone suffers, I'm totally beyond being able to muster up any type of excitement for them when things go well for them.

    My sister is due (with her second) the same time the boys were due and I lie in bed at night thinking about how I would react if she lost the baby. From the bottom of my heart I know wouldn't be able to offer her any sympathy. I just don't have it left in me to have any emotions for anyone but myself...and even my emotions for myself are lack luster and when I do feel anything its generally bone deep sorrow over the loss of the boys. I even commented to DH the other day at how emotionless I was about our 10w m/c. How everything else has been so incredibally bad that that loss ended up being so minor. I hate myself for feeling so little about the third child we have lost.

    I think for the most part I have stopped being happy, but to DH's relief I've also stopped being clinically depressed (that lifted for the most part in September). Essentially, I'm just numb.

    I think getting help would be a good idea. On Saturday I seriously thought about going to the walk in clinic to ask for anti depressants. I just couldnt' get myself out of this mental funk I was in.

    I do notice that when I'm tired I feel worse. DH and I have agreed that anytime I feel slightly depressed that I go have a nap asap (I work from home fortunately). I think that has been one of the instrumental changes that have lessened the moments of depression. Hopefully you getting away will have the same effect.

    I hope your babies would-have-been-birthday wasn't too hard on you. I had you in my mind on the 6th. Take the time to think about them as much as you can. For me it brings back memories of how much I miss them but it also allows them to live a little bit even if its just in my mind and heart and that (giving them just a little bit of life) for me is just as good as therapy.

    Take care and many hugs

  10. No call yet from the clinic. I'm starting to breath a bit easier...

    Busy, how are you doing?

  11. I felt so sad reading your posts. I just feel so sad for what we have had to endure. I burst into tears (I've mastered crying) when I received my IVF schedule for my next cycle. I have such mixed emotions as I start to go through this IVF cycle. I am so afraid. My pregnancy (before it ended) was the worst and best experience of my life. I had hyperemesis so I lived in the local hospital on an IV, and was fed through a tube since I couldn't eat or drink on my own. But I would go through hyperemesis all over again to achieve this dream. I don't want to vent all my frustrations to you, but I really feel sad today.

    I just sitting at my desk wondering why it has to be so hard. My ovary is so painful since it's hydrosalpinx, which doesn't help, and I am trying to pluck up the courage to go and get my prescription for cytotec as I have to take it before my next cycle. Even an IVF transfer can't be easy for me. Since my cervix is pretty much closed, NO ONE can do a transfer unless I am either dilated or use cytotec to soften my cervix. Anyway, I'm sorry if thats too much information.

    Take care, Deb

  12. Play- im glad that no news is good news.

    Cathy- hang in there- Fridays almost here. And cry all you need to cry- you deserve it. You are handling the situation well but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t really suck. If you need to go talk to someone by all means do it- its just one more tool to help you cope.

    Deb, vent away. we understand.

    Warning- bipolar rant ahead
    Afm- I’m 11dp 3dt and have been torturing myself w hpts. I have gotten a faint + 4 days ago at the 10 minute mark. its gotten very slightly darker, but its not showing up sooner (on one brand ept, its not showing up at all). I know better, but I’ve been testing every day. So yest I was convinced it was a bfp, today I’m convinced it’s a chemical.

    However, as neurotic as im being, I postponed my beta from Friday to Monday. My husband has a conference in Miami and they are putting us up in a gorgeous resort till sat so here we are. Im really glad I listened to my logical side about this bc if im preg fri, ill be preg Monday- and either way I get a mini vacation and I get to hang out w some friends I wouldn’t see otherwise.
    Thanks for letting me rant.

  13. Deb-I'm sorry you're sad. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I know how hard these "funks" are. Nothing helps. I wish you so much luck on your next cycle.

    Wow busy-we really are a pretty negative bunch aren't we. We've been through so much, we're not even excited by pos HPTs anymore?!??!

    please enjoy your mini vaca and try to enjoy. Good luck monday.

    Play-good luck, I hope your results come in positive and I return from my trip happy, relaxed, fulfilled and getting good news from you ladies!!!!!!!

    Talk to you all after the 20th!

  14. Cathy.
    You are 100 % right- I am being ridiculous! Thank you .

    Have a wonderful trip

  15. busy - your allowed to be as pessimistic as you wanna be. We all earned the pessimism the hard way. In saying that though, congrats on the first hurdle. For me, a bfp is as exciting as making it to retrieval now a days. Its pretty anticlimatic and though I'm very happy and incredibly greatful that I'm at this stage, I just can't get 'excited' about it. So, know that if anyone understands the lack luster joy of a bfp, its this group.

    Cathy - have a great trip!! Please bring back many, many fun stories for us. (I'm jealous that your getting away)

    jazzy - how are you?? as always, thinking about you.

    deb - I'm sorry IVF as well as preg is such a painful experience for you. One of the simple reminders I am able to take with me from our loss is how wonderful pregnancy was for me. On one wonderful level my body agrees with it, then on another obviously horrible level, my body has rejected every pregnancy thus far. Its bittersweet but at least I can take something from it. Again, I'm sorry its so hard on you.

    Have you been on the cytotec before?? Some women have bad reactions to it but when I took it for my m/c it seems I had a pretty mild reaction to it. I hope it isn't too bad on you and I'm sorry that something like ET is such a gong show for you.

    Everyone, take care and be good to yourselves this holiday season. We all deserve something wonderful so much and it pains me that so many of us are heading into this season with so much pain and fear once again. Many, many hugs.

  16. My sister is due (with her second) the same time the boys were due and I lie in bed at night thinking about how I would react if she lost the baby. From the bottom of my heart I know wouldn't be able to offer her any sympathy. I just don't have it left in me to have any emotions for anyone but myself...and even my emotions for myself are lack luster and when I do feel anything its generally bone deep sorrow over the loss of the boys. I even commented to DH the other day at how emotionless I was about our 10w m/c. How everything else has been so incredibally bad that that loss ended up being so minor. I hate myself for feeling so little about the third child we have lost.
    Yep, I know the feeling as we've had 2 chemical losses after our 24w 4d loss and they pale in comparison. I don't really mourn them because...well, to be frank, they didn't keep me up with heartburn all night or kick me each morning on my drive to work. I didn't hold them in my arms for the 27 minutes of life they had or watch them squirm on the u/s screen 8 or 9 different times. So I am very detached and disconnected from them as any sort of "life" which is probably bad, but true. I hope things are going well and that you have some good news on your end to share, PLAY.

    CATHY...I missed bidding you "Farewell" before your trip, but I'm sure you are living it up right now. I'm totally jealous!

    To the rest of you ladies...hope the holidays treat you kindly and that your upcoming cycles bring the success we all deserve!

  17. Have you been on the cytotec before?? Some women have bad reactions to it but when I took it for my m/c it seems I had a pretty mild reaction to it. I hope it isn't too bad on you and I'm sorry that something like ET is such a gong show for you. QUOTE]

    Play – Yes, been on cytotec several times before and also had a mild reaction the previous time i.e. I had hives after taking the pm dose. This time around hives were replaced with severe headaches. For me this was a much better experience compared to waking up covered in hives. I’m feeling great today thank goodness

    Cathy – Hope you are having a wonderful time. I’m snowed in because of a blizzard; wishing I was on a cruise.

    Busy – Enjoy your time in Miami. Wishing you tons of luck for Monday.

    Jazzy – Thank you for your wishes for the holidays and future. Also wishing you all the success for your upcoming cycle.

    AFM – Taking cytotec brought back some painful memories. I had to take cytotec before my d&c as my cervix wouldn't open to m/c naturally. That didn’t work and so I had to have a second d&c, which also didn’t work. So, to cut a long story short I had to wait 4 more months to m/c naturally.

    On a positive note, something truly wonderful has to come from these experiences. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season, and a new year that brings lots of joy. What are you plans for the holidays?

    Deb

  18. busy - any news on beta??

  19. play, thanks for asking.

    well on sunday- the hpts were negative- so i was prepared when they called me on monday. its a bfn for me. Im doing ok though.

    im going to take 1 cycle off and do a frozen cycle i think.

    play, how are you doing?

    Deb- im sorry that you have had to endure so much. good luck with your cycle

    cathy- i hope you are having a wonderful time.

  20. busy - I'm so sorry to hear your news. It always seem so completely unfair to both live it and read about others. Life just sucks sometimes and I'm so sorry that your dealing with this.

    Take care of yourself and when your ready to vent, we're here for you.

    ((HUGS))

  21. PLAY...is no news good news on the second beta? You have got me on pins and needles, lady!

  22. jazzy - hoping no news is good news. I'm riding it out...in no hurry to find out anythign bad.

    Yup, clinic hasn't called me. They're supposed to send a perscription to my pharmacy (looking to pick up today). If its sitting there waiting for me, I'm considering it another good sign.

  23. jazzy - hoping no news is good news. I'm riding it out...in no hurry to find out anythign bad. Yup, clinic hasn't called me. They're supposed to send a perscription to my pharmacy (looking to pick up today). If its sitting there waiting for me, I'm considering it another good sign.

    Hi everyone,
    Does anyone mind if I join this post? I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I can sympathize. I had a chemical pregnancy with a frozen blast transfer in September. I just found out yesterday that my Fet blast transfer in November that had resulted in a BFP with a heartbeat seen at 6.2 weeks had to heartbeat or fetal pole at 7 weeks. How devastating. I had a cold last week and I also had some chinese food with MSG in it over the weekend. I am worried that I caused this miscarriage. I didn't realize that MSG is so detrimental for a pregnancy.
    I have had 2 successful pregnancies through IVF in the past, but I am worried that I may not be able to get pregnant again. I am hoping to start a fresh cycle in February or March. Has anyone had a miscarriage and then had a viable pregnancy with a future IVF. Best wishes to everyone and happy holidays.

  24. bungkaras - can you turn on your PM please.

    Thanks

  25. just wanted to wish you all a merry christmas and a happy (successful) new year

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