Am I crazy to try again? On the way to IVF#5 at 43

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  • Started by lagaluga1987 ago.
  • Latest reply from lagaluga1987.
  1. Hope and Anam - Good to hear from you. Thanks for your Myrto thoughts.

    Baby - How are you? I hope you're more together than I am.

    AFM: This is the worst 2ww I've ever experienced. Today is 7days past my 3DT. I've already POAS, even though I knew it was too soon. I'm not sleeping well, I'm anxious and moody, and I have another migraine. My step-mom found out I went to Denver, and told the step-family. My dad warned me that they will be asking me questions on Christmas Eve. Ugh! So, I get my beta Thursday afternoon, which has an 85-90% chance of being negative, then I have to face step-family that just don't get it. I asked my dad to tell my step-mom that I will not be receiving questions on Christmas Eve. Of course, I'll still get the looks, but whatever.

  2. I asked my dad to tell my step-mom that I will not be receiving questions on Christmas Eve. Of course, I'll still get the looks, but whatever.

    \"Whatever\" is right... You're entitled to your privacy in regards to your IF treatments! Besides, it's Christmas, and they should respect your wishes. I'm hoping for a great Christmas gift for you and Baby. I'll email you the Christmas card I made for Dr. C last Christmas when my beta was on Christmas Eve, and we were out of town, and he didn't want me to get my beta when I'm out of town.

    Baby... Good luck with your beta too! Everything crossed for you!

  3. Dear sadkiab,

    Hang in there! Just 3 more days! It is really important that you try to sleep and eat well. Maybe DH and you can try to go see movies or you can rent movies and just get your mind off any worries. I know how hard the 2ww is, and time can not pass by any slower during this period! May your dream come true and may all the efforts pay off for you!

    Maybe you can ask your DH to talk to your step mom and make sure that she doesn't ask any questions you may not want to answer? If someone gives her a heads up, I am sure that she will respect your wishes.

    Good luck and warm hugs,
    Hope

  4. sadkiab, i'm sorry that you are feeling so crappy during this maddening time. I'm also sorry that your privacy has been invaded. This torture is much worse during the holiday season for sure. If it makes you feel any better, I'm up a few times a night to pee, which is usually the PMS drill before AF. I am also moody and BAH DAMN HUMBUG!!!! Hang in there, xoxoxo

    hope, hi, and happy holidays. Sounds like you are doing well and ready to enjoy the festivities.

    anam, best wishes and happy holidays to you. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

    skanavi xoxo

    Okay, I haven't been focusing as much on the 2ww thanks to the new job. It has been a great distraction and I really like the people here. I will be off Thursday and Friday and my beta is Saturday. I don't know if I can hold out on POAS or not, but I probably should because I KNOW when I get another BFN, which I totally expect, I won't be celebrating.
    I have my usual migraine and cramps, exactly the same as the last times.
    I\'ve already had a chat w/my RE who was still optimistic and he assured me that since we are going away next month and will be unable to cycle, I can do a timed cycle, just shoot up the drugs, trigger and baby dance. I'm SURE it's a waste of time, but at least that way I'll feel like I'm not completely out of the game thru February. I'm sure DH won't mind.

    I\'ve had a terrible skin issue, I'm sure it's from the meds. itchy bumps that look like tiny little scabs all up my right arm and shoulder, and now DH says it's starting around my POI injection areas. How nice! Anyone else ever experience it? It will look great when I bare my arms on my trip next month, like I have a disease

  5. Christi, Hope, and Baby - Thanks for the good wishes.

    Baby - I have gotten bumps from the PIO shots before. Some cycles are worse than others. The progesterone pill also caused me to break out.

    Christi - My local IF friend, I may be needing your shoulder to cry on soon.

    AFM: I've POAS'd several times over the past few days. This morning I saw an imaginary line, but it's not really there. It's only there because I wish so much it were. Tomorrow is beta, a day early than it's supposed to be due to the holiday. I've been pretty fragile since the weekend. I do think it's basically over for me...it's either a chemical or a BFN. I will post when I can.

    Take care everyone.

  6. My beta was 8. Since it's still in the \"Myrto\" zone, they want me to stay on the meds and re-test day after tomorrow. I guess that explains the very very faint line I saw yesterday, and the stark while stick today. Yesterday I guess my HCG was probably right below 20, and began falling in the past 24 hours.

    I am not surprised at all, and for several days I've imaginined how I would get through today, especially with it being Christmas Eve and having to put on a happy face with family. I made it through the day, mostly from just being really numb and going through the motions.

    If insurance covered IVF for me, I'd do it again. Unfortunately, this journey is over for me though, and my life from this point on will never be quite the same.

  7. sadkiab, good luck on your beta, i hope you have good news. Either way, please know that you have support here. If you need to chat, pm me your number and I will give you a call or give you my number to call. I am alone tonight as DH will be working. Truth is, I want to be, to relax. Hope I can congratulate you, but if need be, I will listen if you need a shoulder to cry on over the phone.

    I was going to buy a hpt yesterday and my mom asked me not to. She doesn't want to see me miserable over the holiday, she asked me to just wait until Saturday's bw. I have pretty bad cramps and headaches, just like every other cycle. I'm anticipating another BFN and have already ordered by my meds for the next round.

    Hope everyone has a great holiday, and sadkiab, I really hope you get an xmas miracle!!!

  8. Hi sadkiab,

    I am still hoping for a better result when you re-test on the 26th. I think that it may be too early for you to test today. I hope that you are surrounded by your family and those who love you during the holidays. Let's wait for a couple more days and see if the test result will be different. Regardless, I wish you a very merry Christmas. I'll check back in with you in couple of days. If you need someone to chat with , please feel free to PM me.

    Hi Baby, I wish you good luck with your upcoming testing!

    Warm hugs,
    Hope

  9. sadkiab, I'm so sorry, I sent you a PM and hope to hear from you when you are up to speaking. (((((()))))) big hugs

    Hope, thank you for your wishes.

    I\'ve been up since 6:30am, and I can't bare to wait until tomor's beta. I'm on my way to walgreens to pick up the evil stick to confirm this was a negative for me for the 7th time.

    I hope everyone else is doing okay and enjoying the holiday if you are able to.

  10. Of course it's negative! How can I expect anything different? I'm a gluten for punishment obviously. Don't even know why I should go for BETA tomorrow, just a big f--king inconvenience.

  11. Baby, I'm so sorry, I just sent you a PM. Keep us posted on things tomorrow.

    Hope, Thanks for the good wishes. I think my beta of 8 yesterday means that it is absolutely non-viable. Also, I've lost all of my symptoms (bb's and twinges), so it would definitely take a miracle at this point.

    AFM: I'm holding up okay. Things haven't really hit me yet, but they will. I have delayed reaction to things like this. I had coffee this morning for the first time in weeks.

  12. Baby... I'm so very sorry. That really sucks. I hope you're still able to enjoy the holidays.

    sadkiab... 8 is still pregnant. You know... When I was going through beta hell earlier in the year, Dr. C sat me down and told me that implantation isn't an exact science. He said sometimes you can have late implantation, and sometimes the communication between the implanted embryo and HCG is flawed so that your body isn't picking up the proper level of HCG. Anyways, he's seen 0, 9, 12 betas on day 14 post ER make it into healthy babies. It's rare, but it does happen. He said it's all in the progression of the betas, so he kept me testing every 2 days for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, mine didn't turn out well. But, one of the ladies in my DE group had a beta of 13 on 14dper, and the betas doubled every 2 days. She's now 8w pg with a strong heartbeat. Honestly, I really didn't believe Dr. C when he told me. I thought he said it to make me feel better, but it really does happen! I don't want to give you any false hopes, but I hope it doubles today and 2 days from now, etc...

    Thinking of you two and sending you lots of hugs...

  13. sadkiab, thanks for your pm. I'm hoping for a miracle from you today w/bw result.

    chrisityen, thanks for everything.

  14. Sorry that I was away for a few days and could't get on line.

    Hi sadkiab, I hope that your beta will keep increasing and that the miracle will happen! I know that it's hard to be kept in an uncertain situation where you don't know for sure which way it is going. Let's hope that what happened to Christi's friend will also happen to you! Keep our fingers crossed very tight for you and please take good care and regardless what happens, I hope that you stay strong.

    Hi Baby, we haven't heard from you and just hope that you are ok. We are thinking about you. I know it is hard to have to go through what you have gone through. Hope that you'll give yourself some time to recover and heal.

    Wishing you all a happy new year and may the new year bring us better luck!

    Take good care,
    Hope

  15. Baby, How did things go today? I was thinking about you today.

    Christi, Thanks for letting me know what Dr. C told you. I will keep it in mind, but I don't want to get my hopes up when things look so bleak.

    It looks like I'm in for prolonged misery. I got the results of my second beta late today. It's now 26. The nurse said something like \"Well, I'm not going to cheer you on, or blow smoke, and you've done this enough to know that it's probably not viable, but we want you to stay on the meds since it increased.\" I had some bright red heavy spotting this morning, and all symptoms (bb's and twinges) have been gone since Wednesday. I was hoping that this was going to be quick, and really expected my beta to be 2 or something. They want me to go back for at least a 3rd and probably 4th beta.

  16. Sorry, I've been MIA, just suffering through the holidays and glad to be working to stay distracted.

    hope, nice to hear from you. What is your next step? I hope the new year somehow manages to give us all our dreams, although I'm getting closer to giving up on mine.

    sadkiab, is your next BETA today? I am staying cautiously optimistic for you and hoping for a miracle right now. It will give me more hope. I'll be checking news anxiously from you. Hope you are okay.

    I never went for my BETA, why bother, I know it didn't work. Negative HPT on XMAS and then I checked again on Sunday. I stopped the progesterone on my own after XMAS, last thing I need is to pump myself up w/more of these horrible drugs and make myself feel even more depressed. Still no AF, just spotting for days. My RE said I can do the HCG when I come in for day 3 BW.
    I've decided that maybe I will just do an injectible IUI or better yet, injectables and sex. Poor DH never gets it anymore, so at least for him it will be a bonus, for me it will be an infection. I know it would never work, nothing ever does, but what the heck!
    I have an appt w/an immuno ob/gyn that is going to see if DH is right and my body might be rejecting the embies, I know it rejects his sperm.
    I don't know why it took me 7 failed IVF's to finally turn over this last stone.

  17. Hi sadkiab, hope you are ok and we are thinking about you.

    Hi Baby, sorry about the negative. Maybe it's a good idea to take a break and try something different other than IVF and you never know, it sometimes works better than IVF.

    AFM, I may try one last time in Feb. But at this point, I really do not have much hope for myself seeing what you ladies have gone through. I have to seriously think about my next step and decide whether it makes sense to even try one more time. This is all very hard obviously....

    Take good care and warm hugs,
    Hope

  18. Hi, I'm sorry I haven't posted. It's just been difficult writing about this torturous stuff.

    Baby, How are you holding up?

    Hope, I'm sorry that you're questioning cycling again. It's a tough decision, something that I went back and forth on as you may recall.

    Christi, I'll see you tomorow, my friend. I'm looking forward to it!

    AFM: My 3rd beta was 89, and the increase was quite a bit less on the 4th beta yeterday - 217. My E2 was also very low...129, when it should be greater than 300, and my P4 was 49. The nurse said the low estrogen could be due to the failing pregnancy and has added Estrace 2x per day to my regimen. I've had bright red spotting off and on a couple of times. The nurse doesn't really expect this to turn out well, but there is a very very small amount of hope. She said she has never witnessed a beta like mine produce a successful pregnancy. They're checking my E2/P4 on 1/4, but are not ordering another HCG test. I'll now have to wait for the u/s in a couple of weeks, unless I m/c before that.

  19. Baby - You have 11 antral follicles on day 3? I realize have a big lead follicle, but still that's very impressive.

  20. sadkiab, I'm sorry this has been such a mind torturing roller coaster ride. I am still cautiously optimistic for you and am really hoping that my gut feeling is right, that this is it for you and it's going to work out.

    hope, good to hear from you and big hugs to you too. Hope-fully we will see our dreams come true in 2010. I don't think you are making the wrong choice, sometimes it takes a while to find that good egg and why should we believe it doesn't exist for us? I guess it's a matter of endurance.

    I went in for day 3 bw today. E2 is elevated as usual and I have 11 antral follicles with one already at 14mm. I think my body is just a big fat mess.

  21. hope, thanks, I hope this year is kinder to all of us.

    sadkiab, I didn't realize you were testing tomorrow, please keep us posted, I've been thinking about you often. Hope you are doing okay.

    Monitoring showed only 3 follies, I'm doing a natural cycle, perhaps an IUI that may fall on Sunday. Go back for monitoring on Thursday.
    Talk about going backwards

  22. Hi sadkiab, good luck on tomorrow's test. I know how hard it must be for you to go through these days not knowing what the end result would be. Let's hope for a miracle for the new year and with all the efforts you'd put in, you deserve one!

    Hi Baby, I agree with sadkiab that 11 afc is very impressive. If you want to do a cycle, maybe you can talk to you RE about keeping the lead under control while waiting for the rest to catch up? Or maybe your body really needs a rest after all that you've gone through. Whatever your decision may be, we are really hoping for a miracle for you in 2010 as well!

    Yes, let's hope that the new year will be a little kinder to us all, ladies!

    Best,
    Hope

  23. Baby, so sorry to hear about your negative. You are such a trooper jumping right back in again. Three follies is great for a natural cycle! I never had more than one when I did a natural IUI. Does it look like it will be Sunday?

    sadkiab, what a stressful time! Just read an article in the paper today about happiness. It basically said people are more able to be happy during adversity than they are during uncertainty. When I read your updates--Myrto betas, rising, but yet not as high as they like to see, I thought about what an uncertain time you've been going through, not even knowing if you should be celebrating or grieving. I hope you get clarity soon, and that its joyful news.

    Hope, how are you feeling about your upcoming attempt in February?

    My update: Gave myself my first PIO injection today! Took me about ten minutes standing there with the needle in hand, trying to get up the nerve to stick it in my hip. I finally got myself to do it, but its going to be pretty tedious if it takes me that long every time. I've been on estradiol 3x a day now for 3 weeks. I'll take the PIOs 1x per day for 5 days and then have my second endo biopsy on Monday. My RE is hoping to see that the PIO meds have corrected the hormonal imbalance in my lining. If so, then I can proceed with another cycle.

    Just before the holidays I was feeling quite sure I wanted to go for one last IVF with my OE. But just when I think I've finally come to some closure about what to do next, I find myslef shifting again. So most recently, I am feeling more like I want to just get off this hampster wheel, and that I would like to just go for another donor embryo cycle. The estrogen that I've been taking really affects me though, so I don't actually want to make a final decision about my next cycle until I've had a chance to be off the meds for awhile.

    So, I guess after the biopsy, I'll probably take Feb off to let my body rebalance. Then make my final decision and cycle in March or April.

    Anam

  24. Hi sadkiab, I hope that you are doing ok and I am thinking of you. I hope you are all right.

    Hi Baby, good luck on the natual cycle. Do you think that you'll do nc IVF or IUI? Wishing you luck.

    Anam, I hope that you can get through the biopsy soon and get your life back to normal. I know that it's a big decision to make - use OE or not. I am seriously debating and I don't know at this point whether I'll do the final cycle or not in Feb. It's hard...

    Warm hugs,
    Hope

  25. sadkiab, I hope you are okay and have some better news for us.

    anam, good luck on your biopsi Monday. I'm sure by the time March rolls around, you will be certain in your decision. Congrats on your PIO shot! I was the same way both times.

    hope, how are you doing?

    I gave you all the wrong info. This is not a natural cycle, it's a timed cycle, meaning I was just shooting up the Gonal-F and that's it. Plan was to just have sex, even though it will irritate me to death and never work. Turns out I'm doing an IUI tomorrow. I just couldn't walk away from the last BFN and then go away on vacation this Thursday completely hopeless so I squeezed in this cycle. My E2 rose better then last months cycle w/o the menopur and saizen. I'm sure I'm wasting my time, but wtf, sitting around crying w/o doing anything is a waste too.

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